Welcome back to State of the Weight Wednesday.
Being healthy is about more than just the number on the scale. It’s about living life while getting healthy. SOTWW is about making small changes you can live with.
There’s really a lot of food happening right now and almost none of it is very healthy. Call it comfort eating. Call it unhealthy associations. Call it lack of willpower. Call it whatever.
I’m calling it grief.
My goal from two weeks ago was to be more conscious of the choices I’m making. Well. I’m aware of them. All of them. And I can’t seem to stop myself from making poor choices because of where I am right now.
I haven’t really had much of an appetite for the past week, but the things I’ve wanted to eat have been junk. I’ve actually craved junk food above anything else I could possibly choose to eat. Chocolate, brownies, muffins, wine. I’ve eaten meals because I know I have to eat something substantial and not because I’ve wanted to eat real food. And I’ve eaten those meals in addition to all the junk I’ve consumed.
I feel like absolute crap and it’s like I can’t stop because I need that comfort emotionally.
I finally woke up this morning physically hungry which I’m taking as a good sign, but then I looked at the clock and realized we had to leave the house and had coffee instead of real food.
I’m trying to take care of myself in the best way that I can right now while also taking care of the kids and life and it’s really hard. I’m struggling with the knowledge that being healthy is something that will help me prevent an outcome like the one whose aftermath my family is in the middle of while really just wanting to wallow in my grief for a little bit.
I’m sleeping hard at night but I don’t wake up feeling rested in the mornings. I can’t shake the fog out of my brain and wake up and the crash that inevitably comes is a hard one where if I were allowed to sit still for a minute, I would fall asleep sitting up.
So, yeah. I have a lot on my metaphorical and real plates right now. There’s a lot of doing that has to be done and a lot of doing that I don’t necessarily want to do.
I’m not giving up on the goal of making my life a healthier one. I’m just sort of stuck in an emotional bog where I’m eating my feelings.
I’m still exercising though, so that’s something. Going to the gym and getting on the elliptical is an escape. I can push my body physically to take the edge off of the hurt my heart feels. Until everything else falls into place, there’s at least that.
Current weight: 198 (Not terrible, all things considered)
Weekly goal: Make sure I’m taking care of myself
Weight goal: 31 lbs total; 9 lbs to go
What were your successes last week? Setbacks? If you’re blogging your own State of the Weight journey, link up, and visit the other links on the list. If you’re not blogging it, feel free to leave your success and/or setbacks in the comments!