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Let me tell you a little story about that time I cried. A lot.

Today, I was supposed to go to the dentist to have some fillings done and I was all worried I’d vom on his hands. Seriously. That was my biggest concern.

When I wrote last night that I didn’t have much to say, The Universe said “SUCK ON THAT!” and gave me a whole lot of something to write (and cry) about. Like a broken toilet.

See, there was that one time I broke the toilet. And then there was that time I got unexpectedly pregnant and couldn’t go.

And then last night we heard the Bubbles of Doom.

Don’t know what the Bubbles of Doom are? Allow me to explain.

The Bubbles of Doom happened the first time we had issues with our toilet pre-reproduction. I was in the shower one morning getting ready for work and heard “Bloop…bloop bloop…bloop” from outside the shower. I stuck my head out of the curtain and saw bubbles coming out of the toilet’s poopshoot. So I told Dan. So he consulted Google. And the next day our drains wouldn’t drain and we learned that the pipe from our house to the street was clogged and we had to open the cap on that pipe where water and toilet paper and…uh…gross things…flowed out into our yard thanks to the relief in pressure provided by opening that cap.

Awesome, right?

So then we hired a plumber who came out with a camera that he inserted into that pipe and we learned that a tree had roots that were searching for water. In our sewer pipe. (And maybe fertilizer, too, but I don’t really want to think about it like that. Because gross.)

He cleared out the pipe, charged us $300 and said we’d need to get the pipe replaced at some point. Which we did not do. So after I had Joshua and had that massive, ouching, toilet-breaking poop, we had to rent a pipe auger and do this all over again. Still without replacing the pipe afterwards.

Since this pregnancy began, I’ve noticed the toilet pulling its usual shenanigans and I’ve said “Hey, you know? I think we’re going to have to snake the sewer pipe soon.”

And then last night? Bubbles of Doom.

We were brushing Joshua’s teeth and draining the bathtub and the toilet was bloop…bloop bloop…bloop-ing and Dan and I looked at each other and were all “Alright, toilet! You’ve spoken!”

And after Joshua was asleep we realized there’s a toilet conspiracy in our house.

I heard Dan say “Hey babe, this toilet’s been overflowing in here.” So I ran to the front bathroom but there was no water and no Dan. So I went to the master bedroom and our master bath. And I almost immediately burst into tears.

See, I peed in the master bath toilet while Joshua was in the bathtub. And I flushed. And I didn’t think anything of it. And perhaps my neglect of said toilet caused it to become a backstabbing pain in the assets and seek revenge on me for not…I don’t know…cleaning it often enough? Only using it at night and when the front bathroom is occupied? Being a nicer human being?

My bathroom floor was covered in 2 inches of standing water and that same water was pouring out of the door and all into my bedroom carpet. The water reached at least 5 feet out of the bathroom door through the carpet and carpet padding. There are no baseboards in our bathroom (yet) so water was seeping underneath the walls and into the garage and my closet.

I burst into tears. Like, down on hands-and-knees crying into a pile of laundry hysterical sobbing. It seemed irrational to cry and my head was going “This is stupid! Stop crying!” but my female-ness said “Cry! Cry until you can’t cry anymore!”

So I did. And every time I went back into the bedroom, I cried again.

Dan got the water mostly Shop-Vac’ed up (greatest Christmas present ever, Mama) and when I started crying again said “Is there something you can do to occupy yourself…you know…in another room?” then set about tearing out the carpet padding. Except he got a little zealous in his attempts to dry up the floor and also cut out the wet carpet (which could’ve been dried!) so now in addition to augering out the sewer pipe (again) having that @*##&@*&&@* tree cut down (finally), and having the pipe replaced, we also have to recarpet our bedroom.

And I cried about that, too.

To top things off? Now that I’m in the 2nd trimester, my “regularly scheduled programming” has returned. And I can’t use the toilets.

Going to the dentist has never sounded so fun.

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I’m fairly certain I would not survive a zombie apocalypse

Monday 24th of October 2011

[...] Season 2 premiered last week, we were elbow deep in the Great Toilet and Carpet Nonsense of 2011. We watched the first episode while we were pseudo-camping in our living room floor last week and [...]


Friday 14th of October 2011

I feel your pain. We had to have our plumbing replaced about the same time in my pregnancy three years ago. What a pain in the ass. And it's begun backing up again. Three times in the last two months. Shoot me now.

Super MomEO

Monday 10th of October 2011

Oh, how awful for you. And yet you've managed to retell it with such a sense of humor -- because when you're done crying, you just gotta laugh. And now you get new carpet in your bedroom. :)

I've awarded you the Versatile Blogger on my blog:


Wednesday 12th of October 2011

The carpet in there was only three years old :(

But yes, laughing is better than crying.

And thank you for the award!

Denelle @CaitsConcepts

Monday 10th of October 2011

As if pregnancy hormones were not enough, things always seemed to go wrong one on top of the other every time I was expecting. Oddly, the only one that was a perfect pregnancy turned out to be the most misbehaved toddler ever in the history of man. So perhaps the others will be alright. ;)

Yes, get rid of that tree!! But make sure you get rid of it all or those roots can still cause damage, even if it isn't the kind you might think (like at our old house, where they rotted under the ground and provided housing for 40 billion ants that invaded the house in the summer and swarmed in piles (yes, piles) all over the front walk and porch. I should have bought stock in insecticides that year. =


Wednesday 12th of October 2011

Ants! EEK! I hate those bastards!


Monday 10th of October 2011

Oh, Miranda. I'm so sorry! I can relate as far as our former house goes. One problem after another. And I was pregnant during most of them!

Have a good cry, girl. And a good dentist appt. :)


Wednesday 12th of October 2011

There have been no small repairs on this house. None. And I rescheduled the dentist appointment for next week. Again.

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