Today, I was supposed to go to the dentist to have some fillings done and I was all worried I’d vom on his hands. Seriously. That was my biggest concern.
When I wrote last night that I didn’t have much to say, The Universe said “SUCK ON THAT!” and gave me a whole lot of something to write (and cry) about. Like a broken toilet.
And then last night we heard the Bubbles of Doom.
Don’t know what the Bubbles of Doom are? Allow me to explain.
The Bubbles of Doom happened the first time we had issues with our toilet pre-reproduction. I was in the shower one morning getting ready for work and heard “Bloop…bloop bloop…bloop” from outside the shower. I stuck my head out of the curtain and saw bubbles coming out of the toilet’s poopshoot. So I told Dan. So he consulted Google. And the next day our drains wouldn’t drain and we learned that the pipe from our house to the street was clogged and we had to open the cap on that pipe where water and toilet paper and…uh…gross things…flowed out into our yard thanks to the relief in pressure provided by opening that cap.
So then we hired a plumber who came out with a camera that he inserted into that pipe and we learned that a tree had roots that were searching for water. In our sewer pipe. (And maybe fertilizer, too, but I don’t really want to think about it like that. Because gross.)
He cleared out the pipe, charged us $300 and said we’d need to get the pipe replaced at some point. Which we did not do. So after I had Joshua and had that massive, ouching, toilet-breaking poop, we had to rent a pipe auger and do this all over again. Still without replacing the pipe afterwards.
Since this pregnancy began, I’ve noticed the toilet pulling its usual shenanigans and I’ve said “Hey, you know? I think we’re going to have to snake the sewer pipe soon.”
And then last night? Bubbles of Doom.
We were brushing Joshua’s teeth and draining the bathtub and the toilet was bloop…bloop bloop…bloop-ing and Dan and I looked at each other and were all “Alright, toilet! You’ve spoken!”
And after Joshua was asleep we realized there’s a toilet conspiracy in our house.
I heard Dan say “Hey babe, this toilet’s been overflowing in here.” So I ran to the front bathroom but there was no water and no Dan. So I went to the master bedroom and our master bath. And I almost immediately burst into tears.
See, I peed in the master bath toilet while Joshua was in the bathtub. And I flushed. And I didn’t think anything of it. And perhaps my neglect of said toilet caused it to become a backstabbing pain in the assets and seek revenge on me for not…I don’t know…cleaning it often enough? Only using it at night and when the front bathroom is occupied? Being a nicer human being?
My bathroom floor was covered in 2 inches of standing water and that same water was pouring out of the door and all into my bedroom carpet. The water reached at least 5 feet out of the bathroom door through the carpet and carpet padding. There are no baseboards in our bathroom (yet) so water was seeping underneath the walls and into the garage and my closet.
I burst into tears. Like, down on hands-and-knees crying into a pile of laundry hysterical sobbing. It seemed irrational to cry and my head was going “This is stupid! Stop crying!” but my female-ness said “Cry! Cry until you can’t cry anymore!”
So I did. And every time I went back into the bedroom, I cried again.
Dan got the water mostly Shop-Vac’ed up (greatest Christmas present ever, Mama) and when I started crying again said “Is there something you can do to occupy yourself…you know…in another room?” then set about tearing out the carpet padding. Except he got a little zealous in his attempts to dry up the floor and also cut out the wet carpet (which could’ve been dried!) so now in addition to augering out the sewer pipe (again) having that @*##&@*&&@* tree cut down (finally), and having the pipe replaced, we also have to recarpet our bedroom.
And I cried about that, too.
To top things off? Now that I’m in the 2nd trimester, my “regularly scheduled programming” has returned. And I can’t use the toilets.
Going to the dentist has never sounded so fun.