I came here to say something awesome and all I got was this garbage

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That title pretty much sums up what’s in my head right now. Garbage.

Stress. No motivation. Worry. Laziness. Questions. Confusion.

All of that.

This post? A bit of word vom. So grab your splatter shields. I’ve already pulled my hair back.

That decision to grow this family has firmly become a decision to wait. There is too much going on right now and too much that needs to happen first for us to bring another baby into this.

There are things that need to be done to this house and those things take money. Babies? Also take money. And if we ever have any hopes of having a BIGGER house? We need to put that money to use in ways that make the most sense long term.

Somehow I’m something very much like sad about this decision.

Not sad that we’re not going to have another baby right now, but sad that we’re not already at the point where we COULD have another baby if we wanted to have one.

Does that make sense?

Basically, I’m saying that sometimes it sucks to be so damn practical and cautious. But that’s me. Practical, cautious, rational, logical. All of those things that cause me to think through the major decisions before forging ahead at full speed. Which are good things, I know. But sometimes? I want to be irresponsible and crazy and stupid.

Which is why I have to decide what to do now that the Lady Times have shown up. Finally.

Do I go back on the pill? (Responsible.)

Do I keep charting and use back-up? (Also responsible.)

Do I throw caution to the wind because I don’t really ovulate very often anyway? (Completely irresponsible as not preventing is basically the same thing as trying. Which we are not.)

I’m inclined to not go back on the pill as I think the hormones have jacked me up. But I really like the option of not waking up at 5:30 to temp every day.

Another damn decision to be made.

And speaking of decisions, one decision I made? Stop stressing over Joshua’s eating habits.

Yes. Yes, I know. I JUST obsessed over this. I know.

But you know? I think I just woke up one morning and realized–AGAIN–that I cannot force him to eat. Or try foods. I can put them on his tray and maybe he’ll try them. But maybe he won’t. Whatever. For the past two days he’s been living off of a steady diet of saltine crackers. He’s happy until bathtime. He’s sleeping well. So whatever.

I should worry way more about his obsession with Thomas the Tank Engine movies and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse repeats and how to get him outside more.

But it’s HOT here, y’all. Like, open-the-door-and-the-hot-outside-sucks-my-breath-out hot. Too hot to be out for longer than about 15 minutes unless there’s water involved. And we don’t have a kiddie pool. Yet.

And the toddler? Not so much with the understanding of “It’s hot out here and unsafe and we have to go inside and please don’t have a meltdown because if your body hits the pavement you will melt into a puddle of toddler goo on impact.”

I am a lame and lazy parent and not really deserving of the awesome child I’ve got. Much less another I could lazy parent.

And while we’re on the topic of lazy?

Do you know the last time I went to the gym? June 6th.

My gym doesn’t have childcare, so I have nowhere to put Joshua unless I strap him on my back somehow and use him as resistance while I ellip. And I think maybe that’s not the wisest or safest option.

I could go in the evenings, but Dan’s not home until nearly 6 (or after) and then it’s time for dinner. And then it’s time to clean the kitchen. And then it’s time for bath and bed for Joshua and then? Then I’m done. Then it’s 8:00 (or after) and I want to veg on the couch with a bowl of ice cream or a bottle glass of wine and do nothing. Even though nothing? Is pretty much what I’ve been doing for most of the day.

See? I told you this post was garbage. Happy Monday.