When I was in the hospital after having Joshua I was in pain. And then I had a meltdown over my “soft GI” diet of meatloaf. And the nurses kept loading me up with Percocet at regular intervals. And Colace. And gas pills.
Lots and lots of gas pills. Chewable ones. And they stuffed a supply of Colace and gas pills into my overnight bag when I checked out. Where they were promptly forgotten about once the ceaseless baby screams began.
It seems having your intestines placed outside your body and then replaced back inside it has a way of 1) giving you major problems with gas and 2) moving around all the poop that’s stuck in your shoot so that it gets even more stuck. And Percocet counteracts the effects of the gas pills and Colace.
WHO KNEW?
If I had known what was coming, I would’ve gladly scarfed down nothing but soft foods after having Joshua. And I would NOT have forgotten to take the Colace. Or the gas pills. Regularly.
Because y’all–it took me two weeks to poop after I had him. (Oh yes, I’m going there.)
Two. Weeks.
I was miserable with the not pooping. Miserable, I tell you. And Joshua? Was a freaking pooping machine.
I think I was a smidge jealous.
Until I finally pooped. And then I never wanted to poop again.
I’d managed to get the screamball to sleep and I was managing to enjoy a moment of free arms.
“I think I have to poop,” I announced, which is a not-uncommon announcement in this house.
And I went nervously off to the bathroom to wage a battle with my colon the likes of which I will never forget but wish I did not remember.
I sat down and grabbed a magazine. And nothing much happened. So I gave it a little effort and then? Then it started happening.
Oh, boy did it.
And it got stuck. And too…uh…solid…to pinch off.
Believe me. I tried. But no. There was no half-done and come back later to finish the job.
So I pushed. And nothing happened. So I pushed again. And harder.
At this point, I had abandoned the magazine to the stack in the basket. The supermodel smile of fake happy from the cover taunted me. I scowled.
Save This Post for Later
Drop your email into this box and I'll send you this post so you can read it when you're ready.
I grabbed the corner of the vanity for leverage and I pushed like I imagine I would have if I’d had Joshua the good old fashioned way. I breathed. I wished there were stirrups. I was all arms and legs reaching out for leverage, butt firmly planted on the toilet.
I felt like I looked like that scene in Dumb and Dumber only without the viscosity and sound effects.
In the moment, I realized the hilarity of my situation, as painful as it was. Though perhaps only funny to me.
And I kept pushing. And sort of laughing. But the laughing had the opposite effect I was going for.
I pulled myself together. I put on my game face.
Finally, with one last bearing down, it was free. VICTORY.
I exhaled.
And then I looked. Because I’m either disgusting or weird or both. And there in that toilet was what I can only describe as having the same circumference as a soda can.
That is the only moment where I felt the teensiest bit of happiness over having had a c-section.
Only a little, though.
Two days later we had to rent a toilet snake from the hardware store to unclog the pipes.
Things with my plumbing, both types, have never been the same.
And next time I won’t forget the Colace.
This week’s memoir prompt asked us to recall “The first time I ________-ed after ________-ing.”
I believe the first that I chose is obvious.
And hopefully it made you laugh at with me instead of scramble yourself to your Google dashboard to unsubscribe.
I hope.
I have heard these horror stories, but was so thankful to not live it – even with a c-section.
And yes, it made me definitely laugh with you. =)
I might hate you just a little bit right now. Maybe.
Bahaha! You make me laugh, because we’ve ALL been there! Thanks for being candid and putting a funny face on a not fun experience. 2 gold stars for you!
Oooh! Gold stars! Shiny!
OMFG I have had this conversation with SO MANY postpartum ladies – both c’s and vaginal delivery.
I could not BELIEVE that they froze my fucking insides, took them out, put them back in and then insisted on shoving me full of Colace and Gas-Ex, while simultaneously feeding me CHEESE and ACETEMINOPHEN and BROCCOLI and COFFEE. What the FUCK were they trying to do? Kill me?
Be HAPPY it took you 2 weeks to drop a deuce. While I don’t envy the soda can size and the issues you had pushing it, I had a 3 days old uterine/abdominal cut and a fear for my life. IT. WAS. NOT. PRETTY
There are a few moms who actually have POSTS on this ha. I love it.
I didn’t know they froze them! WHA??
They were not feeding me cheese. And I do not remember broccoli. But the meds? Yes. Tons of those.
Also? No envy here of the uterine cut. But this ordeal? Gave me hemmies. I went through an entire pregnancy and didn’t get hemmies. And after? Yep. Dammit.
OMG OMG – hilarious especially because I’ve been there. I actually sat there for 45 min, in a zen like state trying to will that bastard turd out of my body. I was actually picturing myself giving birth to it and I tried using imagery like a flower opening up and blooming as means of convincing my sphincter to cooperate, mind over matter, right? After my 2nd c-section, i popped that colace like it was candy and it wasn’t nearly as rough.
BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. AHAHAHAHAHAH.
I got to “flower opening up and blooming” and died. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.
omg hahahahaha
I so get you. I. SO. GET. YOU.
I wish that you did not so get me. Truly.
Oh! You went there! Like really, really went there! In the funniest way possible- Kudos to you! 🙂
Oh yes. I went there. I said I would and I did.
And so far? People are still laughing. YAY!
It’s comforting, in a weird way, that this happens to other moms too 🙂 Luckily, I had lunch at Golden Corral the day my daughter was born – needless to say, as soon as I got home, the bathroom and I had a meeting. Then the baby started her debut. I had been swallowing those colace pills like crazy (oh yeah – and my cat got one too – that was a fun experience – me showering for the first time at home, husband bringing 18lb, rabidly-frothing-from-the-mouth cat to me and putting him in the shower with me to figure out what was wrong) and on that 3rd day, I remember finally mustering up the strength to poop. I came out to the bedroom, and joyfully announced to my husband “I pooped!!”…… pretty sure I haven’t done that since I was 3 🙂
He put the CAT in the SHOWER with you at THREE DAYS POSTPARTUM?
I cannot even imagine.
I am also pretty certain I came out of the bathroom walking pretty funny and wishing we had a blow up donut for me sit on.
Yep – in the arms, in the shower, saying “I think Jack ate something” as he’s drooling excessively, so I proceeded to use the shower arm to rinse out his mouth and then pour hydrogen peroxide down his throat. Then I just locked him in the shower to let him puke the next 10 minutes. Made for an exciting day 3 🙂
My mind cannot comprehend this level of crazy.
i am dying.
LOL! Poor you!
::sigh::
Poor me.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!!
Oh, I love you for this. Pregnancy can be a real pain in the ass…(pun intended)
It so can be. So.
This sounds like me during pregnancy. I couldn’t buy a poop. This was funny….but in an “I’m sorry you had to do it, we can all laugh together, right?” kind of way. 🙂
It’s exactly funny in that kind of way. Because really? We’ve all been there at some point.
I am laughing OUT LOUD! For years I had a constipation problem due to an undiagnosed Hypo-Thyroid problem. I feel your pain…when you got to go, you got to go!!
You DO. And I hate that “half-done” feeling anyway. But this? There was no chance for that to happen with this one.
OHmyWORD, this post and the comments have me rolling! Which is good, ’cause I hear that kind of movement keeps things in the chute moving. =) After I miscarried last year, after the d&c, and with all the pain meds, etc., it took me almost 2 weeks to poop. Oy. During this pregnancy, poops are hard to come by (pun intended), so often when I go into the bathroom I’ll announce “Pray for poop!” Sometimes it works and we cheer. Sometimes it doesn’t and I want to cry. Now I might think of this post and laugh =)
I was lucky not to have constipation issues when I was pregnant, but now I know that whole “I can’t poop!” and wanting to cry thing. Now that I’ve had this experience, I have problems I didn’t have before. Or didn’t realize I had before.
There is poop talk on the regular in our house as well. It’s not often that I get to discuss others’ poop though. Thank you for sharing? 🙂
You’re welcome?? 🙂
I could have written this same post. My mom yelled at me for not taking a stool softener and told me that I had it coming. ha! 🙂
HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?!?!?!
I honestly don’t even remember if they TOLD me what I was taking. Or they did, but I was in a pain-induced haze and didn’t remember. And who can remember ANYTHING when your baby just screams all the time?
Next time, I will start taking them the minute I get two pink lines on a test.
That was the MOST uncomfortable poop of my LIFE! I hadn’t even met my daughter yet, but all the High Risk Ward nurses were coming to congratulate me, and I was on the toilet. Yep, I pooped with at least 5 people in the room. And it hurt…and I had stitches…and they pulled…and I bled a LOT. Ahhhh memories! 🙂
I want to laugh. But, I mean, you hadn’t even met Britty yet. And the stitch tearing.
But the mental image of the revolving door of congratulaters while you’re doing your business kind of cracks me up.
I couldn’t laugh, because I’ve been there, and will be there again in a few short months. Believe me, the first thing I’m doing when I return home is popping Colace. I will not be repeating that horrible, horrible experience. I may even research a safe way to empty before my c-section to further help the after experiences. Just remembering makes me want to cry again. 🙁
Dude. I’d be taking them looooooonnnnnggggg before hand. And Miralax. And Benefiber. Next time? I will be loading up on that shiz before I have to repeat that experience.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! You are awesome Miranda, truly.
Can you tell I love me a good poop story?
I couldn’t poop til 3 days after I had the baby. I had to go immediately after actually, but was so afraid I’d bust the stitches, I barely tried to push. I was desperate. And then day 3? I said, screw it and went. And it hurt like a bitch. But by golly, it felt good.
I would never write that on my own blog, so I hope you don’t mind that I did in your comments LOL
You and everyone else, it seems! I never imagined this many people would willingly read a poop story!
OMG. I can totally relate. I still remember VIVIDLY about my first major poop after Jolie was born AND THAT WAS ALMOST 6 YEARS AGO!
It was large. And stuck. And very, very solid. I was almost in tears & it brought back all kinds of flashbacks from the delivery room.
I honestly thought “If this is what natural birth is like, I DO NOT WANT IT.”
Except I do.
Oh my god, this brings back awful memories! This last c-section was the WORST. When I finally started going after having the baby, I wanted to DIE it was so painful. And when he’d wake up to eat in the middle of the night, I was scared to pee because I would start to poop and wouldn’t be able to stop and I would want to die AGAIN. OMG SO PAINFUL.
I think I went this time and then didn’t go again for another two weeks because I was so scared. And scarred.
hahahahahaaa Oh… oh! I think I might love you for posting this. I had trouble after Babies 1 & 2, but it seems after that nothing can actually get any more screwed up, so 3 & 4 I only had trouble with peeing (that was so bad with my first that I begged for a catheter and never even felt anything but pure relief). Which wasn’t made easier by the nurse who insisted on being my audience.
Mommyhood is so glamorous, eh?
Glamorous. Totally glamorous.
Not.
omg ahaha i had been warned about this and was petrified.. i made sure i kept up on the softners and it was tooo bad but i am still using the softeners 4 weeks later because the one time i forgot. not pretty!!!
Use them. Use them forever! At my 6 wks pp visit, I had a hemmie! SIX WEEKS AFTER HAVING HIM.
How very not fair.
If it makes you feel any better, my first BM post baby hurt so bad that I passed out. Literally, passed out. Husband found me on the bathroom floor pantless and banged up. It was fun explaining the bruises on my forehead/shoulder/knee.
AAAHHH!!!! OMG. The mental picture? Cracks me up. In that “I really shouldn’t laugh about this” kind of way.
Sorry about the bruises.
oh no she di’int!
oh yes she did.
with her soda can poop post and telling it like it is. clogging pipes. rock on with your bad self.
(i promise i haven’t been drinking…just in a rather good mood)
Oh yes. I did. I most certainly did. Colace should sponsor me now.
Oh word! The part where your sewer pipes even got plugged…that’s where I went from loving this post to super loving this post. Great post…and to add to the puns in the comments…you’ve got guts to write this with all the awesome detail. You said above in the comments that you can’t believe this many people willingly read a poop story. I don’t think we did. It was like I really wanted to stop reading…but I just couldn’t. haha 🙂 You sucked us all in with some great story-telling. 😉
I am so loving that people are loving my post about poop!
Hooray!
Oh man, I’m sorry, but I am laughing with you. I didn’t have that issue after my c-section (though I was worried I would) but I can just imagine. Love that you went there.