I spent most of the first trimester of this pregnancy in kind of a dark place.
I didn’t say anything to the doctors, and that was probably stupid.
I didn’t say much here, and that was stupid, too.
I didn’t say much at home, and that was stupidest of all.
And then I started to feel better.
I thought “Oh, hey! That was just a first trimester thing! I am so better now! Hooray!”
And then, inexplicably and out of the blue, I started to feel bad again.
Maybe it’s the time change. Maybe it’s the weather. Maybe it’s lack of quality sleep. Maybe it’s being caught up on The Vampire Diairies and only having one episode a week to occupy my time now.
Or maybe the wiring in my brain is just faulty and shorting out. Broken.
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But I cried yesterday. And today. And I might cry again tomorrow.
I feel completely crushed by the weight of life and living it. By the everything of it all.
I hate that knowing I may never be free of this is a truth for my life.
That this–depression–is my life. Or at least part of it.
I hate this.
If you're reading this in the middle of it:
I wrote this in 2011. Postpartum depression and anxiety haven't changed since, and neither has this: You are not alone, it is not your fault, and you will get better.
Some days are going to be bad ones. Those days don't mean you're a bad mom. In the worst moments of my postpartum depression I said one line to myself so often that I eventually had it tattooed on my wrist: Finish each day. That's all you have to do today. Finish it. Tomorrow you get to start over.
If you need someone right now:
- 988 — Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. Call or text. 24/7.
- 1-833-TLC-MAMA (1-833-852-6262) — National Maternal Mental Health Hotline. Free, 24/7, English, Spanish, and 60+ other languages.
- Text HOME to 741741 — Crisis Text Line. 24/7.
- If you or your baby are in immediate danger, call 911.
For support that isn't an emergency:
- Postpartum Support International — call or text 1-800-944-4773 (Spanish text: 971-203-7773), 8am–11pm ET. This is a "warm line" of people who will listen and point you toward help near you. The PSI website also has provider directories and free online support groups.
Telling one person is the hardest part. Your partner, your mother, your friend, your doctor or your child's doctor. Say the words out loud. And remember you're not alone.
Sometimes depression is like the worst most critical horrifying abusive parent you can imagine. You. are. not. your. depression.