I spent most of the first trimester of this pregnancy in kind of a dark place.
I didn’t say anything to the doctors, and that was probably stupid.
I didn’t say much here, and that was stupid, too.
I didn’t say much at home, and that was stupidest of all.
And then I started to feel better.
I thought “Oh, hey! That was just a first trimester thing! I am so better now! Hooray!”
And then, inexplicably and out of the blue, I started to feel bad again.
Short on time? Save this post for later.
No more lost tabs, random screenshots, or digging through your browser history. Save this post and do future-you a favor.
(It's like a bookmark, but...not.)
Maybe it’s the time change. Maybe it’s the weather. Maybe it’s lack of quality sleep. Maybe it’s being caught up on The Vampire Diairies and only having one episode a week to occupy my time now.
Or maybe the wiring in my brain is just faulty and shorting out. Broken.
But I cried yesterday. And today. And I might cry again tomorrow.
I feel completely crushed by the weight of life and living it. By the everything of it all.
I hate that knowing I may never be free of this is a truth for my life.
That this–depression–is my life. Or at least part of it.
I hate this.
You’re not alone, darling. Please don’t hold it in – we’ve been there and you need to let. it. out.
It might help a little. *hugs*
Thank you for reminding me I’m not alone.
((((())))))
Thank you.
Prayers are being said right now for you. You. Are. Not. Alone.
Thank you for the prayers.
I know what you are feeling. I wish I didn’t. I hate that I do. I hate that you know what I’m thinking. I hate that my palms were all sweaty while I was filling a prescription for an AD with a bump clearly visible. I hate that I could feel the pharmacist judging me {probably wasn’t} because here I was, lucky and pregnant…and depressed. I hate the whole effing thing.
this is why I send my hubs to pick up my AD rx. I am ashamed. there, I said it. 🙁
and I’m just scared.
I get mine mail order for the same reason. (Not that I’m pregnant now, but when I was it was especially nice because I don’t have to see anyone and feel like I’m getting judged)
I think things like this are maybe the reason mail order prescriptions REALLY exist. And, you know, herpes.
I hate the whole thing too. Hate it.
I feel exactly the same. I’m not pregnant, just a newlywed dealing with anxiety and depression. Praying for you
good thoughts for you, too.
Sister, I can assure you it is the time change, remember I lived with you for many years. Every year when the time would change you would have this despise for the time change. Don’t be ashamed to talk to your dr.’s about it or to anyone else for that matter.
I should move to Arizona where they don’t observe time change. Except you’d have to move to Arizona, too.
((((((((((((((hugz)))))))))))))))
You can come cry in my room any time you want to!
Jamie
Thanks, Jamie. I appreciate it.
I had the WORST depression this time around. Almost worse than any of my PPD episodes. I had the worst thoughts and I just couldn’t do ANYTHING except go through the motions…and even those didn’t get done sometimes.
I just slept and wallowed.
You’ll see the other side, friend. You will.
I love you.
Ugh. Wallowing. Ugh. And I feel better just having written this. So there’s that.
It’s OK. It is OK to feel this way and it is OK to admit it. It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you and you know that but it’s hard. Figure out what (if anything) will help you get through it and ask for help. You’re worth it and so is your baby and your baby on the way =)
Thank you for the validation. I know talking about it will help. So now I just need to find the time to talk.
Miranda, you know I’ve been there. There are a few of you pregnant ladies commenting who are depressed. You have yet to go through the labor and birth of your second child. You’re tired, scared and wondering if you’ll be able to handle all that life is about to throw your way.
Just know that none of you have ANYTHING to be ashamed about. You don’t have to suffer, sweetie. I know you’ll talk to your doctor about this. After I talked to mine and started taking medication again I was finally able to ENJOY my pregnancy and even better ENJOY my new baby boy 🙂
(((hugs)))
Thank you, Molly. Millions.
I’m sorry…I don’t really know you, but I have grown to enjoy your blog and think of you as a ‘friend’. Please know that you are not alone and reach out for support. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Thank you for your prayers.
I’ve cried for the past three days, and I don’t have a baby growing inside of me.
It’ll get better . . . but, if putting this out there helps, at all, then do it. Because we want to know & we care about you.
Have you watched The Wire? I just started the first season of The Walking Dead (getting through one episode per day), and then I’m moving onto Dexter and watching the entire series from the beginning, and then to Weeds, and then I’ll likely head back to my favorite show, Ever.
BOO CRYING.
And I haven’t watched The Wire. Should I? TWD, Dexter, and Weeds are all fantastic. We ripped through 5 seasons of Weeds this summer and have been waiting for Netflix to put up the 6th season. That still leaves us a season behind, though.
I lived in Baltimore when The Wire debuted, and I remember flying from my couch to turn off HBO because “I didn’t need to know how shitty my town was.” I regretted the decision, although, when I finally started watching, I didn’t have to wait until the end, as the last episodes were already filmed & out there.
Better than being the best show, ever, it has some of the very best characters – Omar Little (a flamboyantly gay thug who robs drug dealers) and Stringer Bell (drug kingpen-turned tour-de-force) make me happy, just knowing that there are writers who can create such depth for TV.
Really glad I’ve found your blog – it’s fantastic! So open & honest, you’re really brave to share your story. I am looking forward to reading more. Hope the depression passes soon, pregnancy is such a hormonal & emotional time… make sure you have some time to look after YOU. Take care xx
Ahhh, the elusive “me time.” Do they sell that at Target?? 🙂
Thank you for being here.
My thoughts are with you, dear.
You helped me when I most needed it. Please do not hesitate to let me repay you. <3
I’m so happy to have met you.
I can relate… I’m there, too.
Since you’re here now, let’s just run away together okay? I hear there are warm islands somewhere with non-alcoholic umbrella drinks and perhaps cabana boys.
I’m in!
I’m so sorry. I’ve noticed you’ve been quiet, but thought you were busy/tired with a new human to grow. You’ll get through this. I wish there were an easy answer to make this all go away.
I think part of it is the growing-humans-is-exhausting. The other part was the time change. And the other part was stupid chemistry. And when you find that answer, please share. I’ll pay you for it!
Thinking of you honey. Sending strength & love
Strength and love are welcomed here. So thanks for that.
Love and many hugs to you from someone who is also there. I feel lucky in that pregnancy and breastfeeding offered me a relief from everything depression-related (minus the hormone-induced crying, of course). It was one of the reasons I loved being pregnant.. it gave me hope for better; for more beyond the scope of norm I am so used to.
I hope that you find a way through this.. you and your family deserve only the best. xo
I can only hope that having this baby provides relief from the depression and there are no more inappropriate responses to meatloaf. But I’ve still got half a pregnancy to go before I get there.
you can do this. you can. just focus on TODAY. Love to you in abundance!!!
Thank you, grace. Love to you.
I have nothing but love for you. Well, and admiration. You are brave and strong, even when you don’t feel that way.
I don’t always feel admirable. Or strong. But thank you.
Much love headed your way. I hate those days where it is a struggle to just get out of bed and move. 🙁 Please talk to your doctor if you need to. And I hope it gets better soon. (((Hugs)))
Thanks, Amy. I already feel better.
Hugs. And many prayers. And hugs.
Thanks for the hugs. And prayers. And hugs.
I can so relate to this. You are strong! You ate stronger than Velma. Hugs and smiles.
Thanks for that 🙂
So sorry you have been feeling bad. I’ve been having trouble lately and writing about it on my blog. It really helps to share. I don’t know why but it has for me.
You are brave. And I know exactly how you feel. EXACTLY, only I probably won’t say anything on my blog. For a while. Or ever. Perhaps I need my own blog for the down low stuff I would prefer to keep private…hmmm off to Tumblr.