I had a conversation with a co-worker today that has kind of shaken me just a little bit and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Because the truth behind the conversation is kind of hurting me. A lot.
I think sometimes people don’t like who I am.
Maybe that’s too broad or vague a statement.
I know people don’t like me. Probably lots of people. I’ve never been a stranger to people not liking me.
I’m just really struggling with how to say this without…without…well, without screwing up. Which it seems I’m good at.
I’ve been opinionated my entire life. If I have an idea to share about something, I want to share it. If you have a problem, and you are trying to figure out a solution, I want to help figure out that solution by offering ideas. If I think there’s a way that things can be done better or more efficiently, I have a hard time not saying “Hey! There’s a better and more efficient way to do this.”
I am outgoing and go-getter-ing. I am not afraid to speak when it comes to things I know about. In fact, I LOVE talking about what I know.
For the most part, I think I’ve got some tact about this sharing thing. I try to be tactful in my interactions with people, carefully choosing my words. At least most of the time.
I love words and their power.
But today I was called “bossy.”
It stung.
I’ve been called bossy before and it hasn’t really bothered me. At times, I probably said “Yeah, I am. That’s me.” And rolled with it. Because if I had to be described in a word, maybe “bossy” is it.
But today? It hurt.
I think I laughed it off, but that’s the way people see me.
Bossy.
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Not any of the other things that I see as positives about myself.
Just bossy.
I learned earlier this year that when I started my job, some dismissed me as just a know-it-all. And I am kind of a know-it-all. Because I WANT to know and SEEK to know. Not because I inherently THINK I know. I think.
(In my defense, I was fresh out of college and ready to “make a difference” and “change a life” and all that other stuff people graduate college ready to do. Now? I know a little more. And I DO actually know a great deal of stuff.)
Today I learned that I’d been asked about in regards to how I’m handling a new role at work. When I was asked if I wanted this role, the conversation went something like “but in this role, you can’t be…you.”
“Oh, she’s doing great!” was the reply given to today’s question.
Because I am.
At least I think I am.
Sometimes it’s hard simply because I want to talk. Sometimes it’s hard because I like bouncing ideas around.
But I’m entirely capable of not speaking when I know my opinion isn’t wanted or needed. Or when giving it will do more harm than good.
(I will say that in this particular instance, I am so aware of other people’s perceptions of how I’m handling this role that I’m almost afraid to say anything at all or ask questions or even a simple “Oh! Yay!” Seriously. I feel like my role is to be seen and not heard. At all. For fear of saying one thing too much and being given a talking-to.)
The bigger issue, I suppose, is that there even had to be that conversation at all. Like everyone had doomed me to failure from the word “go.”
I know I’m negative. I know I complain (mostly just for the sake of complaining). I know I’m a gray-haired, cantankerous, 90-year-old, cat lady trapped in a reasonably-well-coiffed, cantankerous, 29-year-old, Boy-Mom body.
I know.
But I also know that’s not all that I am. And it hurts that maybe other people don’t.
i do not love this.
I think many of the best teachers were described as bossy…at least as kids. at least I hope so, because I am STILL called bossy.
also? if you need to talk about this…you know where I am. and where I will be in less than a week.
love you.
I think a certain amount of bossiness is necessary to be in charge in a classroom. Or a boardroom. Or wherever.
And I might just bend your ear about it if I still can’t shake it.
Love you, too.
I think it has to do with how you deliver your “message”. Even if you don’t mean to come off a certain way, you may be giving off a “bossy” vibe without realizing it.
I have dealt with a similar issue, and I feel like people don’t really know me very well- or if they do, and their perception is accurate, then the way I view myself is very off or I don’t show my “true colors” as often as I should.
I know it stings, it’s just something you have to accept and get past (easier said than done). There are people who see and know the whole you, and those are the people who know you’re more than just “bossy”. Remind yourself of that when you come across someone with such a narrow view of you.
Chin up 🙂
I know delivery is key to anything. I try to be as tactful as possible about most things.
Your middle paragraph is the meat of the matter for me. Either people don’t know me very well because I haven’t shown the best parts of myself OR? I am really this person they see me as. Which is NOT who I want to be. (Which is why the post is titled perception.)
It’s hard to get past it when you question every word that comes out of your mouth and how it’ll be taken. :/
I understand. It’s especially hard in a professional setting, I originally wrote with a more personal setting in mind (I am a kindred spirit in the fact many people don’t like me and got a little keyboard happy with responding ;)).
I have been told I’m not assertive enough, and it seems you have the opposite problem. Damned if we do damned if we don’t.
I think personally, everyone understands and accepts me. At least a little bit. But professionally? I’m not so sure.
I know sometimes I can be too assertive, but the fact that people think I can’t be unassertive at all kind of hurts me. So yeah, damned if I do and damned if I don’t.
Oh, I SO know how you feel! I stay home with Cole for now, but in my teaching days, I’m sure “bossy” is one of the nicer things I was called. I am very opionated and passionate and I throw my all into my work, and I know there are those who were not entirely appreciative of that.
But. I did the very best job that I possibly could, and my kids were the benefits of that. If I didn’t like the way things were done, I did the research and worked to change it.
There are those who do not embrace new ways of thinking, and it might be easier to be everyone’s friend – Miss Congeniality as opposed to the go-getter… but that’s not me – and, apparently, not you.
Do you keep a file of Thank You notes from parents or cards from kids? Looking back at some of those make a bad day SO much better!
I do have letters from former students and I pull them out from time to time. I know that some of them appreciate what I’m doing and I tell myself that they are what matters most. But sometimes? You want to be understood and liked by people your own age instead of feeling like you’re just being endured.
I have these same thoughts/feelings about myself as a teacher. Being a teacher is like going back to high school sometimes…with all those cliques and snickers and judgements. It’s like can’t we all see we are just trying to do our best for what’s best for our students? We won’t like everyone we come into contact with, but why does being a teacher have to be so caddy?
I ask myself these same questions. It’s a tough river to navigate sometimes between interacting professionally/personally because you NEED adult interaction and sticking to yourself because it’s easier.
I think teachers have to be “bossy” in one form or another in order to get respect/stay in charge of their classroom. I’ve never gotten that {negative conotation of bossy} impression from you in our conversations ~ I think go-getter, enthusiastic, chatty ~ all great things!
Sorry you had to hear that yesterday. Try to brush it off. Could they’ve been just jealous of you & your new role?
Oh no. This isn’t motivated by jealousy. I totally know that. (I also sincerely hope my coworkers who read this read the comments so they know that I know that that’s not it!)
I totally think that bossiness is necessary to maintain control of a classroom, but it’s somehow different when that’s used as an adjective to describe me in all cases.
Maybe after having these increased interactions with these persons, they’ll finally get a better grasp of who you really are and so like and appreciate you more – not that they don’t like you now. I know, for me, I’ve enjoyed getting to know you better through conversations, get togethers, and your blog. Anyway if they don’t end up liking and appreciating you more, it’s because they don’t want to really get to know you. In that case, their loss! And btw – I hate people like that. I hate the “I’m better than you and your not worth my time” attitude. I’ve gotten that before – from the same people you may be talking about here…
((((hugz))))
Just so everyone who works with me knows–I’m not talking about any one person or group of people and any attitudes of better-than.
(Please, oh please, let people read the comments!)
I’m talking about the general idea that I’m one particular way and that’s the only way I am and can ever be in all cases whatsoever. I hate that that’s all some people see me as. Because really, I don’t think that’s all there is to me.
I’m glad I’ve gotten to know you more and that, in reading this, you’ve gotten to see a side of me that I maybe don’t have time to share at work like I’d like to.
I attended a lunch and learn at work about this exact topic and unfortunately peoples negative perceptions of you is their reality. The best way to change someone’s perception is to show them that it is untrue or to confront them about it. You have to show them that “bossy” isnt bossy- its assertive.
But CONGRATS on your new role!!
I do like thinking of it as assertive and not bossy. Assertive sounds so much more positive!
While I had different roles in my past professional life, I too was given this label. More than once. And I know how it stings, so I feel you. I think the trick is to find ways to alter that perception without giving up who you really are. And I’m not saying I have the answer to that. One thing that really held me back in the business world was my inability to play games and politics. Not my style. But I did reach a point in my career where I was respected and considered very good at what I did. And that felt good. I also developed very strong relationships, even with the people who had given me that label.
Open communication on the job is a very good thing. The fact that you could have this conversation in a nonjudgmental, respectful way (which it sounds like it was) is great. Try to see it as an opportunity, think about what you can do in response and then move on. Don’t let it eat at you!
I have an inability to play games, too. I CAN play them, but I’d prefer not to. Nothing good comes of game playing. And I do think they students respect me and consider me a great teacher, and they are really the only ones whose opinions I should concern myself with.
I think maybe I just had a really off week this week. I’m sure things will level off once the school year starts ON MONDAY. 🙁
Well, I tend to think teachers are kind of bossy control freaks. I say that with complete respect and admiration, as a former (and maybe future) teacher. Isn’t that what having a classroom is about, in a way, crafting our own magical environment?
I think it can be hard to turn that “off” in interactions with other staff members when you are so used to dealing with students. Also, people who are passionate about anything are bound to be seen as a little bossy or aggressive, because they care about what they are doing so much and want to share their information and knowledge and excitement.
Consider delivery and all that jazz, which I’m sure you do, but some degree of bossiness is necessary and appreciated when there are tough choices and situations in a school.
OH MY GOD! YES!
I can’t tell you the number of times Dan has said “don’t use your teacher voice with me!!” I can’t turn it off sometimes, though I do try.
First of all. That’s what it’s like working in a school full of (mostly) women. Seriously? I have not NOT worked at a school where this has been the case, but I’ve never been the e-friend of someone that was the target.
I’m sorry that this is happening to you.
I’ve definitely already pegged the girl who’s uptight and the “know-it-all” in our building. She’s not willing to collaborate with anyone, she has “all the best ideas” but will never share it and just likes to upstage people at faculty meetings. She also has said that she could care less if people think that way of her because she’s not there to be anyone’s friend.
I know we shouldn’t be like that to one another. I often tell my boss that my school is like being in high school all over again. Talking about each other, borderline bullying, etc. I say ignore them. Teachers… we are such a unique breed. I don’t even know what else to say. And this honey? Is why I don’t let anyone I work with read my blog. It would be misconstrued and thrown in my face and I can be aggressive at work, so that wouldn’t turn out well.
Anyway, I’m rambling. You’re awesome, they’re hatas. The end.
My student teaching mentor told me “close the door and do the right thing” and “stay out of the faculty room.” Where I was at the time, it was good advice. The kids get what you’re doing; your colleagues aren’t always fair judges.
But. but. I WANTED them to like me. Wanted it badly. The perception is hard to deal with, but I think you need to remember that what they see is not THE truth. Maybe it’s a truth, but there’s so much more to the story.