I’m on the verge of collapse. I’m about two seconds away from calling the doctor and asking for a life time supply of anti-depressants and a tubal ligation.
My child won’t sleep. He’s been up two or three times a night for the past three nights. He took an awful nap on Monday, ZERO nap yesterday and today is looking like a repeat of yesterday. For the second day in a row, he has smeared shit all over his crib instead of taking a nap and for the second day in a row I have found myself not wanting to have any more children and wanting to run away from this one.
Despite the playdates I’ve planned in the mornings, this week has been a complete trainwreck of failure full of shit smearing and tears, both mine and Joshua’s. (The shit was all his, though. Thank God that while I may not be a great mother, I at least know how to shit in the toilet and wipe my own ass.)
Except today I actually cried. Big, giant crocodile tears all while saying “I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I’m such a bad mother and I’m so sorry you got me.”
Because I am just not good at this.
In fact? I am downright awful at this.
I have no patience for tantrums or shit smearing. I have no tolerance for being slapped out of frustration and having him think punishment is a game. I am tired of waking up two or three times a night and, because we are both at the end of our ropes, giving up and trying to sleep sideways in the chair in his room while the back of my head falls asleep and I dream about goats and New York City. (True dream from this morning.)
There is nothing–absolutely nothing–about motherhood that is natural or easy for me and quite frankly, I suck at things that aren’t natural or easy for me. And right now? I’m just a giant ball of suck and I have nothing left. There’s no more faking it left in me. There’s no more patience. There’s no more peace in my heart.
Maybe I’m too selfish. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I’m just tired of being stuck on toddler-duty 24/7.
Or maybe I’m just tired of life. Period.
This kid deserves so much better than me. So much better.