I saw a meme floating around Facebook this morning that sort of gut-punched me. It said “Pretending to be happy when you’re in pain is just an example of how strong you are as a person.”
People. I’m about to get a little ranty. Hold on to your hats.
As someone who has battled both depression and anxiety on recurring occasions throughout her life, I can’t begin to tell you what a damaging statement that is.
It says pain is weak. Suffering is weak. It says only weak people hurt. It says that those of us who lie to the world about how we’re feeling are stronger than those of us who don’t. Or can’t.
Well, I call bullshit.
Sure, there are moments when we have to keep trudging along through the sludge of depression when what we’d really like to do is just curl up in bed for a decade and sleep all of our I-don’t-cares away. There are bills to pay and ice creams to be purchased. Sometimes we have to fake it ’til we make it.
But some people can’t fake it. Nor should any of us have to.
For some people, the pain of depression is so debilitating it can’t be shoved aside, and no amount of pretending to be happy will make that pain go away.
I’ve been there. It’s terrible. To feel like you’re going through the motions in your own life, completing tasks but not really living. Unfortunately, there’s not a switch that can be flipped to make a person suddenly feel better. If there were such a switch, I’m pretty sure we’d all have ours locked in the “on” position forever and ever amen.
No one wants to be depressed.
What people who are hurting need to hear isn’t “Oh, just be happy!” What they need is help.
The bootstraps mentality hurts more people than it helps, and quite frankly, I’m tired of hearing it spoken to people who need better help than to be made to feel even more broken than they already feel.
Bootstrapping negates valid emotions, and the emotions that come along with depression are still emotions, even if depression is an asshole that seeps into your brain and makes you think things that aren’t true. By saying that if people just chin up, they’re better, stronger than those who can’t, we’re causing more hurt than we’re healing.
And actually, I think the reverse is true.
I think the people who are open enough to say that they’re battling depression or anxiety or bipolar disorder, or even just a broken heart, are stronger than those who try to hide behind a façade of happiness.
Those are the people brave enough to face the challenges of depression head on. They are aware of their illness, and acknowledging that there’s a problem is the first step toward recovering.
When we admit that some of our places are broken, we can heal them. We can grow stronger in those places.
So, this is me, giving all of you permission to feel how you’re feeling. You don’t really need my permission, but I’m giving it. If you’re happy, that’s awesome. If you’re not happy, don’t pretend to be happy for my sake, or for anyone else’s.
Reach out. Seek help. But don’t ignore your pain and think that if you do it will go away. No more bootstraps, okay?
Umm, you nailed it. I agree with you completely and am so glad you wrote this. Love.
Thanks! I saw that quote and couldn’t NOT write this.
Awesome.
Thank you.
And even if your pain isn’t depression, if it doesn’t need treatment, if you try to stuff it down it will come back with a vengeance. Which doesn’t mean you have to show your pain to everyone, and certainly there are times when it’s better for everyone to keep it under wraps, but you do have to find a way to feel your feelings. Which are always valid and okay, no matter how much they suck.
Thanks for this post.
Yep! It doesn’t matter WHAT your pain is, let yourself feel it. You certainly don’t *have* to show it if you don’t want to, but don’t feel like you have to hide your own feelings so that others don’t feel uncomfortable.
I totally agree. You rock.
Well, thanks. You rock, too.
Thank you thank you thank you. You said it very well.
You’re welcome. And thank YOU.
Really good stuff! Love that you’re honoring the courage to be vulnerable and authentic. Thanks for this!
I definitely think it takes courage to be vulnerable and authentic. But when we do that, we show others that it’s okay to do that.
Oh, I so agree. It’s a part of this whole “put on your mask and go out into the world” mentality. And I’m sick of it. When we are honest about our lives and our struggles, we endear ourselves to those in our lives who really want to see us for who we are.
Yes! I mean, we ALL wear masks. But that doesn’t mean that we should always HAVE TO wear them, you know?
You know what though? I just had a brainstorm. I think that for me, sometimes “faking it til I make it” is a valid coping strategy. If I’m having a hard day, going through the motions is sometimes enough to get the ball rolling on its way to a better day. But that’s not what the heart of that meme was. The message was “put on a brave face for the rest of the world to see,” which is different from putting on a brave face for yourself or using coping strategies. Anyway. I don’t know if I’m making any sense.
I definitely think that in some situations and for some people, faking it until they make it is a valid coping mechanism. But coping mechanisms aren’t one-size-fits-all, so I want people who *can’t* do that to know that it’s okay NOT to do that.
This just hit so deeply and so close to my heart. Thank you.
You’re welcome.
I totally agree!! Exactly!!
Thanks!
Thanks for this. I’ve always been the kind of person who tries to be strong and move on, but this did not work when I developed postpartum PTSD; in fact trying to keep calm and carry on made everything worse. There is a difference between being oversensitive and realizing what you need to do to help make yourself healthy and strong for your family. Feeling, processing and healing take a lot of courage. Love to everyone who is doing so.
There are definitely times when we’re just having a bad day and we have to sort of suck it up for the greater good of getting things done. But when that bad day is more than just a bad day, it’s okay to say so.
You got this right. Every. Single. Word. Thank you.
Thank you!
WELL SAID. I completely agree. Thank you. There is no shame in depression. It’s an illness just like any other.
There’s no shame in depression. Or anxiety. Or garden variety heartache. There’s no shame in feeling any kind of pain at all.
Amen!! I have dealt with depression on and off since childhood. I am now in my 30’s and still recovering from postpartum depression after my second child ( I went through it with my first born also). I am always open about it, because I don’t ever see anyone else talk about it, I think it’s a big stigma, and people don’t want to admit to it for fear of being judged. I always hope maybe someone else will see me talking about it and know that it’s okay to need help, and to not be ashamed because we are not always perfect and happy.
I began battling depression as a teen. I hid it for a long, long time. I would get better, then it would come back, then I would get better again until the time when I didn’t. That was the time when I decided that I had to be open about it moving forward, and so far, I’ve stayed true to that. The stigma is enormous and the world would be better if it would go away.
So beautifully said, Miranda.
Thank you.
Great post. I agree, completely. Thanks for sharing!!
Thanks!
So true! I hate the philosophy of smiling through the pain. For me, it has always made my moods so much worse to make-believe that I’m not feeling something. Without expressing how you really feel, you can’t get validation and empathy, which is often what we need most.
I totally agree!!! Any time I’m down, I’m aware of it, you know? Forcing emotion that isn’t there doesn’t help me get back to normal faster and actually has the opposite effect because I can’t just process the emotions I’m actually feeling.
Yes, and everybody faking that they’re happy is how we all develop the very dangerous “everybody has it together except me” syndrome.
YES YES YES!!
Thank you for these empowering words. I love our community of online women who can be so brave and grow so much.
I love this community too!
Boom.
What my therapist taught me is to identify the emotion. So, sure I can “pretend” to be happy- especially when I need to (like at work). But I can definitely identify the sadness, anxiety, confusion, pain- whatever it is and speak it out into the world. And it is RARE, now, that if someone says “How are you?” that I go “OH, great.” I will say that I’m okay or not so great or could be better.
I. Speak. The. Truth. because speaking a lie will not help my anxiety or my depression.
It is a disease and it does not go away. And it gives me good days and really fucked up punch someone in the throat bad days.
Preach, girlfriend.
Right. There are some situations where we have to put on a brave face sometimes, but there’s nothing wrong with answering truthfully when we’re asked how we’re doing. It’s okay to say “well, today’s just not a great day.”
Yes. Nobody should feel that they HAVE to do it. And amen to saying that you’re allowed to feel crappy and SAY so. But I think it’s also okay to feel like you can’t share with everyone because you don’t want to. It’s an interesting line. Like some people you know you’ll get the support you need from, and others you’ll feel like, well, they’ll shoot you down or make it worse for you, so you put that happy smile on and go about your way and it helps YOU. I guess that’s my point. Smile if you feel it helps you find the better as opposed to the bitter. But nobody should ever MAKE you feel like that statement seemed to. Does this even make sense? I hope so. As someone who has had my share of sh!tty days, I think I see both sides. And your point is crazy important and awesome, I’m just sharing what might be an okay flipside. Either way, we look out for others and ourselves. And that, to me, matters most!
It’s absolutely okay NOT to share. Absolutely. But I don’t think that not sharing the truth about how you’re feeling always has to equal putting on a smiley, happy exterior and pretending that everything is rainbows and glitter, you know? It might for some people, but it doesn’t always for everyone. And that’s okay.
Basically, there’s no “one size fits all” and telling people to just pretend to be happy isn’t always great advice.
“Basically, there’s no “one size fits all” and telling people to just pretend to be happy isn’t always great advice.”
– Agreed. Whole-heartedly. I hope that was clear. My initial reaction was YES! Of course! But then I found myself dwelling on the other side and think I got stuck there. :>
I agree with your point! Well said and thank you for writing it!
Thank you for reading it!
I loved every single word of this. I felt exactly like this two years ago. “To feel like you’re going through the motions in your own life, completing tasks but not really living.” It was a long, hard road to recovery, but I made it. Now I’m living and loving my life. I would have taco punched anyone who would have told me “chin up” or “pray more” or “you just need to relax”.
So many things that are said with the intention of helping are extremely unhelpful. Extremely.
I was all “Yea go sister!” up until you said that people who talk openly about their problems are stronger than the ones who put on a happy facade. Totally disagree. I believe that anyone suffering from any mental illness is brave…Some people are afraid to speak out or reach out for that help but it doesn’t make them any less brave than someone who did.
And if they did speak out and do put on a happy facade who are we to judge them and say that they aren’t strong like the ones who look exactly how they’re rotting inside.
Yes, everyone should be able to come from behind a fake smile but it’s a scary world with scary stigmas…but in the end, we are all strong and brave because we woke up to start a new day.
I think your last sentence is the point. Yes, we’re all brave. We’re all surviving in whatever way we can. Of course we are. But the meme implied that those who pretend are stronger than those who don’t. I think it takes tons of guts to know there are stigmas out there and be honest about how you’re feeling in the face of those stigmas. Every time we come out from behind those facades, we chip away at those stigmas.
I’m not advocating shouting from the mountaintops that you’re hurting. I think putting on a happy face is fine if that’s what you WANT or NEED to do for yourself. If you’re doing it to spare someone else the discomfort, then I think you shouldn’t have to do that if that’s not what you want to do.
I think we also have to be honest that for many of us, pretending we’re okay hasn’t made our problems disappear.
From my own experiece……it takes a lot more strenght to admit there is something wrong, than to just live the motions and hide behind a happy face….like I have done. It is far easier for me to pretend and hide. I battle everyday with finding the courage to admit to friends and family. Thank you for helping me know I have strength in accepting and getting help
((hugs)) Diane. You do have the strength.
Wow! You’re so right! I was diagnosed with depression and the beginning of this year and I am just now getting a handle on managing with medication, counseling and anything natural. It was a relief to know I wasn’t the only one struggling with it and to know it was ok to not be fine or happy. It’s not always a just-get-over-it thing.
You’re never the only one struggling. I’m happy you’re finding help.