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Proof that I shouldn’t grill things

I shouldn’t grill things. Probably ever. I mean, we’re pretty gender-advanced in this house most of the time. Dan does dishes and can make a mean chicken parmesan. I install light fixtures and am a master of (almost) all things fried. Neither of us is good at keeping up with laundry or dusting.

But there are just a few things around here where we just shouldn’t try to break out of our roles because if we do, someone’s getting hurt.

Sunday, after a trip through the Starbucks drive-thru to ungrumpify me, we ran some errands. In the pouring rain. By the time we finally got back home, both kids were about two shades shy of pumpkin and everyone in this family was done and Dan and I were starving.

But crying children trump screaming stomachs so into the bath with Emma. Then it was  Joshua’s turn while I nursed her to sleep. I joined Joshua and Dan for a chapter from Peter Pan and then told Dan I’d light the grill so he could throw on the steaks when he was done putting Joshua to bed.

As I walked out the door, he said “You know we use the…”


“And you know you have to…”

“Turn on the propane. Yep. Got it.”

And I skipped on out the door stopping to make sure Emma had stayed asleep.

(Now that I type that out, that was actually a smooth bed time. Unless my brain is doing that self-preservation thing and blocking The Awful from my long-term memory.)

We use a clicker lighter to light the grill instead of the little igniter button. I’m not sure why, but I know enough to know we do. So I found it and out to the patio I went.

I opened the propane.

I turned on the burners.

I stuck the lighter into the little hole in the front of the grill.

And then the lighter didn’t light because my hands were wet and I couldn’t get a grip on it. So I pulled the lighter out of the hole and dried my hand off as best I could and looked at the lighter a time or two and then put it back in the hole and checked to see if it was in the right place.

And the lighter still didn’t light.

So I dried my hand off again. And I peered into the grill to make sure the lighter was in the right place.

And then I got the lighter to light.

But do you know what had been on the whole time?

The propane.

So when that lighter finally lit that grill, a giant mushroom cloud of propane-fueled fire nearly burnt my face hairs off.

I jumped back and grabbed at my necklace, which I was sure had burnt a hole clean through to my ribcage. And then I smelled the god-awful smell of burnt hair and ran inside the house to make sure I still had eyebrows.

I did. Thank the baby Jesus. Because without eyebrows I’d look as awkward and deranged as bald Britney.

After my hands stopped shaking, I poured myself a big glass of Pinot Grigio and vowed to leave all future grilling duties to Dan.

I know my place, y’all. And it’s not by the grill.

From now on my place is behind the wine glass.

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You say you want some resolutions. Well, you know. - Not Super Just Mom

Tuesday 1st of January 2013

[...] (Please don’t make me use the table saw. I almost lost my facehairs lighting the grill.) [...]


Sunday 15th of July 2012

I too have done this. I was trying to impress my now husband and had candles burning to be romantic (remember THOSE days?!) I may or may not have been served a few (many) drinks so my coordination, which is sketchy at best, was compromised. After attempting to blow them out, I was left with no eyebrows, a fringe of "bangs" standing straight up and a terrible smell. Needless to say, he was not impressed.


Sunday 15th of July 2012


And oh, god, the smell. It's awful.


Saturday 14th of July 2012

of course you grabbed your necklace, my southern bell. of course you did.


Sunday 15th of July 2012

It just about burned a hole in my chest parts!!! :(


Saturday 14th of July 2012

I did this. Except I actually did burn off HALF of my eyebrows and my eyelashes. They are both finally growing back. Scary. Both the lighting of my face on fire and what I've looked like for the past 2 months. :-(


Sunday 15th of July 2012

Oh my goodness. I'm so sorry!

The Many Thoughts of a Reader

Friday 13th of July 2012

yeah, i have no desire to learn how to grill. and i like my eyebrows. ;)


Friday 13th of July 2012

I mean, mind DID need a trim. So there you go.

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