Today was hard. Today I was not a shining example of how to win at motherhood. In fact, if this was a game, I lost miserably. And days like these are happening more often than not now that Joshua has decided he’s not napping anymore.
This not napping? It will be the death of whatever happens to be left of my sanity. Promise.
Today Joshua was very…three. We ran errands this morning and I should’ve seen it coming. I should’ve seen the change in my mood looming on the horizon.
I should know by now how to keep myself from melting down.
When he acted up in the store, I should’ve just come home, not because I’d issued an ultimatum but because I should know better.
I picked up lunch and we came home and he was eating. Slowly. So slowly. Because he knew that after he finished eating, it would be quiet time.
(If Joshua’s not going to nap, I still want him to have quiet time in the middle of the day. Just a small break. And that break is for me as much as it is for him. It’s my moment to have only one kid touching me instead of both kids. Maybe even none kids if the Universe is smiling down on me. It’s my moment to not be listening to Angry Birds or Super Why or the orders of my Tiny Terrorist telling me what to do.)
But he hates quiet time and sleeping and anything that is what I want him to do that he does not want to do. So a battle of wills ensues every day. A battle in which I, the mother, must be victorious for no other reason than because I say so and because I feel like I will lose my mind if I lose this battle.
And when the (un)quiet time was over, he came into the living room to sit by me on the couch and I–I didn’t want him to touch me. I just wanted him to be somewhere else.
I was so very mad at him for not just cooperating and laying down that I didn’t even want him to be near me. What kind of mother AM I?
A horrible one, I think.
One who does not deserve the love that her children give her.
I’m not proud of myself.
I used harsh words.
My hands weren’t gentle.
I made my son cry.
I hate(d) myself today.
A great day - Not Super Just Mom
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Christine
Wednesday 18th of July 2012
I feel you x1000000. I quit after my second was born too, he's 6months, My oldest, Z is 3.5yrs old. I hate telling him to be quiet and play by himself sometimes but I have to, for my sanity. I have been known to play a "game" to see who can be quiet the longest just to give my brain a break from the constant chatter. It's ok, you aren't just mommy, you are Miranda, and you need some space, hugs!
Amie Kazimirowich
Wednesday 18th of July 2012
Hi...I have read this post itleast 4 times in the last week....while I don't have kids I can see this happening. It happens with my fiancee (not even husband) there's times when I'm so mad at him I don't want to hear him nevermind have him touch me. That's his way of looking for love and forgiveness and I'm not even close to being ready to give it to him....and that can last for hours....or more then a day. So I know it will happen with my kids. Now again I don't have kids so this could be the " I know all about parenting" talking lol but I do believe children need to know boundaries and understand that when Mommy is angry she needs her space to cool herself down. She still loves you very much but you need to leave Mommy alone for a little while. Not a bad lesson to learn.
I can see how that's much easier said then done though because I have waves of guilt over my future husband so I can only imagine what it's like for a child. I think you're doing a fantastic job, try and give yourself a pat on the back for making it through another day with everyone healthy and alive because here in Canada there's been a couple of cases of women who have physically hurt their children because they were overwhelmed. In the grande scheme of things I think you're a super mom!
Amie
Pamela Gold
Wednesday 18th of July 2012
Being with our kids ALL THE TIME is too much. I admit I'm also guilty of being a bit over the top when I don't get my way for a change. But then I yell at my husband when he loses his cool with our toddler and I'm all, "Dude, he's only 3!" So yeah, I'm that mom.