I wrote last night’s post and it felt kind of disjointed even as I was writing it. So when I re-read it and then read some of the comments (which, thank you for those) I felt like perhaps I’d been misleading in my writing by mentioning the Mommy Wars.
Yes, posts about the Mommy Wars were published this week by women I consider my friends.
No, my post about opinions is not based on my desire to respond to either of those posts.
(My whole e-spiral from Monday night actually started because of a post on a message board about The Vampire Diaries. True story. And I only sort of wish I were kidding.)
I referenced those posts because those posts sparked an outpouring of opinions in others, but also because of what I added to the bottom of my post after I remembered what had been my entire point in posting all along while brushing my teeth.
Posts like that, which are based on the opinions and experiences of the author, often leave me feeling like I’ve somehow done something wrong, or am doing something wrong, or will do something wrong. And I have a deep-seeded (seated?) desire not only to not be wrong because I enjoy being right but also, and mostly, because I don’t want to disappoint people.
I am an opinionated people-pleaser.
I think my desire to please others is what keeps me from saying some of the things I really want to say. I’m rational enough to know that while there will be those who will disagree with me, there will likely be those who don’t. But it’s those who will disagree who keep me from speaking up or out on just about anything. And that’s maybe slightly irrational.
Saturday 14th of January 2012
Here's the thing, when I first started reading blogs, I was looking for someone who agreed with me on everything so they would justify all of my decisions. I was at the worst of my ppd, and the worst of my sleep deprivation (related, yes), and if I was reading a blog I loved and the person mentioned sleep training? Or starting solids at 4 months? Or anything I didn't do? My heart would fall about 100 feet. Because, oh. I guess I am wrong. And a failure. And it's all my fault. And all that stuff.
But now? I don't know. I'm not really looking for that anymore. Because I don't think mommyhood is about being right. It's about being pragmatic. It's about finding the solution that works for you on that particular day. Sometimes it's about doing something one day and believing the complete opposite the next. And that's okay.
And also? If I wanted to just read a blog of someone who agreed with me on everything? I'd just read mine. ;) What matters is the people not the positions.
Jenn @ Middle of Mommyhood
Thursday 12th of January 2012
Sometimes I think we're nearly identical, and then sometimes you throw me a curve ball! My issue? I don't fear I'm wrong. Ever. In my mind, I'm always right, and that's an issue in and of itself. However, like you, I don't want to speak up about issues--big or small--out of fear. Only my fear is that I'll get worked up and frustrated and stop liking the people whose opinions differ from mine, and that's a definite weakness. Not saying I have strong opinions about everything, but I feel SO strongly about some things that I'd rather just not know others' opinions on those topics. I have enough confidence in myself to know that I'm sure of my research and decisions (and sometimes just my gut feelings), but I do not have the confidence in myself that I could stop from being upset and wanting to smack somebody. I would rather be in the dark about a friend's opinions/decisions than to possibly create tension. There are things I just absolutely do not discuss unless somebody directly asks me. There are things you and I have not discussed, even. I don't trust myself not to judge people, so I live with blinders. You don't like my views? I don't care. But I don't want to not like yours. I had to make a conscious decision a few months back to stay out of any heated debates, online or in real life, because it was bringing me down, even when my point was made. I've been a lot happier because of that. I can't save the world, I have learned, and I'm not even sure it needed saving to begin with. My big contradiction is that I'm a confident basket case. I am confident in who I am as a parent, but that's where it stops. I can take someone judging me on my parenting, because I am sure of myself in that area. But if I think somebody thinks I'm ugly or annoying? Depression. I know, I know. Get it together, lady! Being a mom is the only area of my life that I am proud of. At least it's something, and something more than I had when I was younger and had nothing to be proud of at all. And now I'm rambling. I can see how it was easy for you to ramble. This topic sort of begs for it, I think. Obviously I am no help and just a giant mess. But thanks for letting me word vom on your blog for a second. Blah blah blah.
Thursday 12th of January 2012
I have eaten the plums that were in the icebox
and which you were probably saving for breakfast
Forgive me they were delicious so sweet and so cold
(because that's immediately what I thought of!)
Wednesday 11th of January 2012
In response to "I am an opinionated people-pleaser."
I am a walking contradiction. Possibly *especially* on my blog. Mrs. MidAtlantic?! I grew up in New England! I haven't even been to Ocean City once in my life! Psh. I've been seriously contemplating a name/"brand" change lately. I'd become "Mrs. Mediocre," since I feel that's a little more reflective of my true self!
Wednesday 11th of January 2012
I completely understand being a living contradiction. I come across as so confident and independent but on the inside I want everyone to like me and be proud of me. It's only been in the past few months after lots of PPD counseling that I've come to realize that the world will not collapse if people are upset with me. I really have to repeat my "mantra" that as long as my husband and daughter are proud of me then that's all that matters. Easier said than done sometimes. :)
By the way...I've been lurking for awhile. I'm coming out of the lurkers closet and introducing myself! Hi! I'm Laura! Love what you've been writing and congrats on the baby girl!