I don’t even know how to begin writing what I’m about to write. In my head, this is all over the place. Maybe it’s just a little more word vom for your week and you’ll go “OMG AWFUL!” and click the red X and run away screaming. That’s cool. I just feel like I need to dump this out before I quit the internet for realz.
If I had to list qualities about myself that I see as being both good and bad, opinionated would be at the top of that list. (Though I say “passionate” when I’m being positive.)
I’m opinionated, y’all. About pretty much everything. Except what we’re having for dinner. And the fact that I usually have no opinion on what to have for dinner pretty much drives Dan nuts on a daily basis. But that’s not even kind of the opinion I’m talking about here.
I’ll be the first to admit that I can sometimes be…hmmm…how should I say it…forward? with my opinions? Outspoken?
Because I can be. And I know this. And KNOWING this has caused me to pull back in some ways, especially online. (Yes, people who know me. I’m being honest. I don’t say nearly as much as I want to say half the time. Weird, right?)
True story: I’m not nearly as opinionated around here as I could be, or even as I’d sometimes like to be, because I realize that my opinions might be alienating.
But there’s something stifling about that.
Because these opinions that I have? They’re my opinions. Just like your opinions are your opinions and your friend’s opinions are their opinions and so on and so forth until the ends of the Universe. And the world keeps spinning despite the fact that we all have these opinions that are sometimes radically different from those of our neighbor.
And yet I feel compelled to hold back when it comes to my opinions on issues for fear of 1) making y’all angry and tearing down what’s been built up here, 2) attracting all kinds of drama, or 3) both.
I’m of the opinion ( o_o ) that not all opinions are of the horrible variety just because they are opinions. Some can simply add to the discussion in thoughtful ways that shed light on a different side of the story.
So yesterday when posts were published on various battles in the “Mommy Wars,” I sat here and read them and formed opinions (not necessarily opposing ones, at least not completely) about these topics, but I don’t know how to share them here. Or there. Or anywhere, really.
Because of the charged nature of those two discussions, I feel like my thoughts would automatically be lumped into the horrible category no matter how I couched them. At least some people would think those opinions are horrible. And if they think those opinions are horrible, does that mean that by extension, I become horrible?
(See also: Miranda has issues.)
I don’t know what, exactly, to do with that.
In the entire Blogoverse, it seems like there’s room enough for all of us to share our opinions in thoughtful ways. There should be. But more often than not, it feels like there isn’t space for all of us. For me.
But maybe that’s just my issue. (Likely.)
How do you deal with knowing that you have something to say and knowing that you really want to say that something but worrying that you’ll offend people, or hurt people you care about, when that’s not your intent? Because I’m stumped. And I certainly don’t want people to think I’m horrible.
Update-ish:
People, I think I just had an apostrophe. (Name that movie.)
I lost my train of thought no less than 47 times while I was writing this thanks to Shipping Wars and tried to wrap this post up so I could go to bed. A place I should’ve been 2 hours ago. But I remembered part of why I think opinions are so difficult while brushing my teeth (Don’t pretend like you don’t get your best ideas while doing mundane things.) and thought I’d come back here and add this little nugget of thought.
Opinions are tough for me because I have issues. (This has been previously established, yes?)
So when I read other people’s opinions, my rational mind accepts that as that person’s opinion independent of my own and moves along.
My irrational mind, however, is a psychotic bitch.
The irrational part of my brain reads an opinion different from my own and sees judgment for having a different opinion, or for having done things differently, or for wanting to do things differently, even when absolutely no judgment is implied.
Conversely, I think I’m scared to share my opinions on here because of the same thing. Crazy, irrational, psychotic bitch minds that think I’m judging when I’m not.
So NOW what?
I keep them to myself. My blog is mostly a bland and vanilla happy place. Im a pretty busy and super happy person the last thing i need is blog drama. Sure the more pageviews I have the more money I make buuuut I don’t really need money like that so I try to stay out of pot stirring conversations and whatnot.
I’m making zero money blogging, or very little, so that’s not even why I’d write posts that seemed controversial in the first place. It just feels like I’m stifling myself because I have something to say and I’m not saying it.
(I’m also not speaking specifically about this week’s posts but things that are labeled as “controversial” in general.)
Ditto. I was actually telling my husband something last night & he said “that’d be a great post”. But no, too much controversy for Suz’s Treats. At least more than I’m brave enough for. Maybe one day.
I truly enjoy reading your opinions. All of them. Whether or not they match my own. Keep opinionating! Please! And know you’re not horrible.
Thanks, you. 🙂
I think it is an impossible line to walk and there IS no way to share your opinions without offending someone. We make parenting decisions based half on external input – articles we read, books, blogs, what our grandmothers did or didn’t do – and half on emotion – do I feel like shit for doing X with my child? Then I probably shouldn’t do it. Which means there is no 100% proven right answer. Then when we’re faced with OTHER people’s choices, we start to doubt ourselves. We ask “But didn’t you see the latest research on X? Don’t you know that can be harmful? Haven’t you heard about the benefits of Y?” because we think if they HAD they would have made the same choice we did. Because if they DID and they DIDN’T….maybe we were wrong. And then we are bad mothers.
So I think the best thing to do is stay out of the fights. Take a deep breath and remember you made your choice for your reason and if you can’t offer support it’s best to not offer anything.
But I also think there is much to be said for tone and tact and intention. For example, one of the things I am passionate about is breastfeeding. So I talk about it a lot. But I talk about it in the context of my personal goals and triumphs, and so far I’ve never had anyone argue with me about my opinions. Because I work really hard to make sure they are MY OPINIONS FOR ME. Not you. And one of the ways I know I’ve done a good job is I am still on speaking terms with my BFF…who formula feeds and reads my blog.
“do I feel like shit for doing X with my child? Then I probably shouldn’t do it. Which means there is no 100% proven right answer. Then when we’re faced with OTHER people’s choices, we start to doubt ourselves.”
GET OUT OF MY HEAD. That’s the part I came back to add in a roundabout way. That’s where some of this comes from in me. My issues are that I have things I want to say about some of these topics (independent of who may have written about them and when) but I’m afraid to write about them for fear of offending. But when I read something that I know is not MEANT to offend, I sometimes get offended because it feels like I’m wrong for having an opinion different from that of the writer.
I do think I manage to state my opinion with tone and tact and that I make my intention clear most of the time when I talk about the “controversial” issues. I think I’m pretty good at saying “This is the way I FEEL about THIS ISSUE and NOT the way YOU should feel.” But then there’s always the person out there who feels exactly how I don’t want them to feel despite the fact that I’ve said that this isn’t about them and that’s the person I worry about offending.
And I PERSONALLY THINK you just have to let some of that go. You cannot please everyone all the time and although it shows what a caring person and good friend you are that you worry, you should be able to share your experiences and thoughts in your own space (or any other space where these things are being discussed in an open manner). But that’s just my opinion. It may not be right for you 😉
Snort.
ditto Suzanne. & Miranda.
Oh, boy! I relate. I have lot of opinions, but rarely share them because I don’t want to deal with the haters. Whimpy? Maybe. But I just don’t want the drama.
Yeah, I mean, I guess part of it is I just don’t want the drama, but mostly it’s that I’m genuinely afraid of hurting people’s feelings. Even if I never know that I hurt that person’s feelings.
I stay out of the fights, especially when I don’t have a horse in the race. That isn’t to say I don’t make my feelings known on internet fights in my safe zone – normally via email. I figured I crossed back and forth so many parenting lines just in Spencer’s first few months that I will never been firmly entrenched in any camp.
I breastfed, but had to supplement. He slept in a crib from day one, but we never did CIO. I didn’t ERF. I had a medicated vaginal delivery. So basically, I stand for nothing and none of the highly opinionated groups want me anyway.
I advocate for raising nice and respectful children. I support whatever makes the mother sane. I almost never leave dissenting opinions on anything that could be considered aggressive. And I unfollow blogs and on twitter when I can’t take the pot stirrers anymore. And that, I think, is what keeps me the sanest.
I feel like I need to go clarify or write a new post that adds a disclaimer that while my post about opinions was sparked by the fact that two “Mommy Wars” posts came out this week, this is not about wanting to respond to THOSE posts. Does that make sense?
It’s more about looking at the grand scheme of things and figuring out how to walk the line between being honest with myself and my readers about my beliefs whether or not I offend with my opinions and just not wanting to offend in general.
Oh, I see. I think you can be honest without offending because you are respectful. That’s really what it comes down too. And as for the “mommy wars” I think a lot of that is ratings driven by the media. Just look at all of the free publicity Anderson Cooper just got for his talk show. His talk show that isn’t really doing so well…
That’s why I’ve refrained from mentioning anything much about him this week until after I’ve had a chance to watch the show, at the very least. All the pre-show tweeting and blogging has done is make people want to tune in.
I feel the same way. I am an incredibly opinionated person and in my real life, I am not afraid to show it. My nickname in THE FOURTH GRADE was “Ms. Righteous Indignation.” Just to give you an idea of how deep my opinionated and outspoken ways run.
But on my blog and, in general, on Twitter? I keep most of these opinions to myself. I know it’s nuts but I don’t want to alienate people by thinking different than they do. While I rationally know that the vast majority of people wouldn’t care one way or another what I thought as long as I wasn’t coming into their home and trying to get them to follow my own personal life rules, I’m a little afraid sometimes that maybe that isn’t true. So I play it safe, at least for now.
Ding ding ding!! We have a winner! This is EXACTLY what I’m talking about. It’s not about any of the Major Issues specifically, but I hold back from sharing my opinion about some topics in general because I’m scared of how they’ll be received and whether or not I’ll hurt people’s feelings.
But at what point am I not being true to me in doing that, you know?
That’s how I feel, too. Exactly.
We should start an anonymous blog.
Totally. 🙂
I struggle with the question of how authentic I’m being too. Is it dishonest to keep my opinion to myself? But at the same time, I don’t have a blog that is only about me- it’s about my family and our life together and sometimes these issues don’t have any bearing on that specifically. So do I mix that into my current blog? Start an entirely separate one for these kinds of situations? Not voice these thoughts online? And what about when they do have bearing on my current blog? For example, can I write about my youngest’s planned homebirth without alienating people? It’s a choice I made for myself and I don’t care in the least what other people choose for themselves, as long as it was their choice. So can I share my passion about homebirth without seeming like I judge people that make different choices? Because I don’t! Sigh.
This comment is way too long and is really my thinking out loud, so to speak. Sorry for that! Thanks for talking about this subject.
I do tend to shy away from my opinions, but sometimes when I get a really good one (I think) I write about it. Sometimes I lose people, but more often than not I gain them. The Blogosphere is full of wishy washy happy talk. I get bored and while I don’t stir things up just for the sake of creating drama, I also don’t hold back for the sake of keeping the peace.
I’m sure that was extremely un-helpful to you in terms of answering the “What Do You Do” question, but… at least you know that there is an audience for opinion. I think if you are genuinely a respectful person, you will generally receive respect and for the toads that just have single issues they seek out and spend all day yelling about, and you get in that line of fire, several people will step in and defend you.
I stay out of drama because I guess I feel like I’m not really competent….like because the other person will be more passionate than I am and come armed with facts and figures and studies and scientific proof why they’re right and I’m wrong. Ugh. I don’t research why I parent the way I do….I (my husband too) just go with our gut instinct and what works for us. I don’t like getting in confrontations because I don’t like getting my feelings hurt and because I’m already second guessing half the decisions I make with my child, I don’t need someone else telling me why I’m wrong. If any of that rambling makes sense…..
My sister-in-law is on the complete opposite side of every “mommy wars” topic you could possibly concieve of and before I had children, I was judgemental. Extremely judgemental. But now….I kind of get it. For the most part, we’re all doing the best that we can and trying to make the right decisions for our family and our children and I can’t begrudge someone the choice they made because most likely it’s made out of love and devotion. Even when it’s something that I would never do with my own family or child.
I censor myself and I HATE myself for it. I mean, I choose to do it because I don’t like controversy and confrontation. But I hate that I feel like I can’t say what I want to. At least 5 times a day, I delete a tweet because it’s a hot topic and I don’t want to draw haters. I have a real problem with people being “mad” at me. Or calling me out on something. So I just don’t go there.
Every now and then I’ll take on a topic (like the Duggar’s images or a starvation case) but this whole mommy wars/VBAC, natural birth, c-section/Breast v Formula debate shit is sickening. Birth your babies, raise them well, KEEP THEM ALIVE and let’s all just fucking get along. Your opinion is just that. Your opinion. As is mine. They’re all valid.
I’d say I’d resolve to be more open and all, but I won’t. And I’m ok with it.
For me, it’s never about someone’s opinion, it’s about delivery.
The fact is that there are major Mommy Wars {I know that wasn’t even what this post was started about….The Vampire Diaries? What could you have read on a forum about that to get you so thoughtful my dear Miranda?} and all of us do one or the other at one time or another. And we obviously believe in what we’re doing for the reasons we are doing them…but raising kids is scary shit. And we are all {or at least 90% of us} are worried about messing up. We are worried we are making mistakes and failing our children. So when someone says we are doing it all wrong it makes our face hot and our chest tighten with panic.
And that’s where delivery comes in. There’s a way to promote and discuss BFing with out telling FFing mothers they are bad. There’s a way to discuss the pro’s of home birth with out making hospital births seem evil. There are always ways to discuss hot button topics with class and with the goal of educating or explaining ones stance….with out making someone else feel like shit.
And so I think sharing opinions isn’t bad. I think that telling someone they are a shitty mom is.
And really, no one’s feelings or opinions are wrong. Ever. The way you feel about something is right, because the way you feel is just as real as reality. {We can all thank lots of therapy for that little tidbit lol}
Amen, Alena! That was so well put. I am actually writing a post on this right now.
Miranda – I so get this. It feels like things have gotten so out of control we are damned if we do and damned if we don’t. I do believe being true to ourselves is vital. To Alena’s point, our feelings and opinions are valid. And we should not be afraid to share them – respectfully. So many people – and I do not mean you, dear – don’t know how to do that. And it has caused problems for all of us. It sucks.
I completely understand. I just don’t comment on some people’s blogs anymore because apparently when asking for advice or opinions and you give your own they really didn’t want to hear the opposite of what they were thinking. Whatever.
I think the problem in all of this is everyone takes everything personally. People can present their experiences on EBF/natural birth/FF/etc etc etc in a completley calm, rational and unbiased way. And someone, usually multiple someones, will STILL take it personally. No one name called, no one implied anything, but it will STILL Be taken as such. So I understand your fears and worries in expressing your opinion. Even if you do it in the kindest way possible, it will inevitably taken the wrong way.
But.
(there’s always a but).
One thing I have learned from my wonderful husband is that taking things the wrong way, getting in fights, arguing, and all of that doesn’t mean the end of anything. It happens, often for the better, and we move on. And, if it DOES cause a larger rift, then perhaps that relationship wasn’t authentic in the first place.
If we can’t disagree and then move on from it, is that really a relationship you want? If some readers get their panties in such a bunch that they want to, by extension, feel you are horrible, did they truly know you at all? Additionally, can you truly respect a person like that?
I used to never argue with my husband because I was afraid of making him mad. That ended up making him maddest! Because we know each other, love each other, and are committed to one another, we can disagree (we have varying political and religious views), argue, maybe even fight, and then move on. I had to learn to not be afraid of sharing how I was feeling. EVEN IF it makes him mad. Sometimes it does. Sometimes it doesn’t. Regardless, we get through it.
So, my dear, I say to you: trust in your readers. Will there be some that disappoint you? There may be. Will there be some drama? There may be. But, to be your best self, you should be as open and honest as you *want* to be. Want is the key word there, because if you want to say something, you say it and if you don’t want to, you don’t. But I know that I, for one, love hearing your opinion and view and hope you decide to be as forward as you want to be. <3
Hey lady. I’m late to the party here, but I just want you to know that I understand. Truly. There’s a post in my head about weaning and one about child spacing, and I haven’t posted either because I’m afraid I will get comments full of the sweetest, most well meaning advice – that will inevitably make me feel like crap. Sigh.
But, that said? I love your opinions. Truly.
On Phantosmia:
I have been so depressed for the last two weeks with this never ending cigarette smell in my nose. Today, my second day of antibiotics in the first step to get rid of this crazy affliction , I read you blog and quite honestly laughed so hard I had to change my draws. Thanks so much! Especially the comment on the little person who runs my nose is tripping on acid and smoking!