Twas Three Days Before Christmas

Twas three days before Christmas
When all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.

The toddler was nestled
All snug in his crib (finally)
When Mama decided
She’d just go take a whiz.

She sat down on the toilet.
She let the pee stream.
She didn’t even care
That the bathroom didn’t gleam.

Then out in the living room
The (damn) dog started barking!
The UPS man! In the cul-de-sac!
His brown truck he was parking!

Away to the living room
She flew like a flash!
She’d jumped up so quickly
Her pants only came up to cover half her ass!

She grabbed the dog’s snout!
“NO BARKING!” she exclaimed.
“If you wake up the toddler,
I’LL GIVE YOU THE MANGE!”

And then keeping one hand
Placed firm on dog’s nose
She reached to her thighs
And her pants, up they rose!

Out on the front porch
Was the last of her gifts.
No need to visit Wal-Mart
Some time on third shift!

She sat down on the couch
To eat a Candy Cane Joe Joe.
And that’s when she heard it.
The toddler crying–Oh no.

The half-bare-assed running
She’d done moments before
Had not been fast enough
To keep the toddler a’snore.

With nap time now over,
No more free time in sight,
The only thing she had left
Was hope for a good night.

(This is based on 100% true events of my afternoon, complete with the pants-half-up running through my house to stop the (damn) dog from barking. Thank God for curtains on the windows, right?)