Twas three days before Christmas
When all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.
The toddler was nestled
All snug in his crib (finally)
When Mama decided
She’d just go take a whiz.
She sat down on the toilet.
She let the pee stream.
She didn’t even care
That the bathroom didn’t gleam.
Then out in the living room
The (damn) dog started barking!
The UPS man! In the cul-de-sac!
His brown truck he was parking!
Away to the living room
She flew like a flash!
She’d jumped up so quickly
Her pants only came up to cover half her ass!
She grabbed the dog’s snout!
“NO BARKING!” she exclaimed.
“If you wake up the toddler,
I’LL GIVE YOU THE MANGE!”
And then keeping one hand
Placed firm on dog’s nose
She reached to her thighs
And her pants, up they rose!
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Out on the front porch
Was the last of her gifts.
No need to visit Wal-Mart
Some time on third shift!
She sat down on the couch
To eat a Candy Cane Joe Joe.
And that’s when she heard it.
The toddler crying–Oh no.
The half-bare-assed running
She’d done moments before
Had not been fast enough
To keep the toddler a’snore.
With nap time now over,
No more free time in sight,
The only thing she had left
Was hope for a good night.
(This is based on 100% true events of my afternoon, complete with the pants-half-up running through my house to stop the (damn) dog from barking. Thank God for curtains on the windows, right?)
Thanks for the afternoon laugh! Much needed!
Happy to oblige.
I’ve been there. Now my girls are much too old for naps. I wonder how I can trick them to spend some quiet time in their bedrooms. I need a nap!
Oof. I think even when he’s too old and no longer naps, he will have to understand the concept of quiet time. Otherwise, I might lose my mind.
Quiet time is definitely a life saver. My girls have done that since they outgrew naps. With both of them being pre-teens now it’s a little harder to talk them into it. The reading time they have to get done for school sure helps!
Haha, very cute poem! Those darn dogs, always barking and waking tots…
What’s worse is I just KNEW it was going to happen. Almost as soon as I sat down on the toilet I heard the truck pull down our street and I KNEW the dog was going to start barking.
This made me LOL because it is a common event in our house – well, the dog barking…not the pee thing. 🙂
She seems like she’d be a great guard dog because she will bark at anything in the cul-de-sac that she doesn’t know. But at ALL THE WRONG TIMES. And then if the person WAS an intruder of some sorts, she’d just cower once they got in the door and let all the bad things happen to us.
This is freaking awesome. Totally made me laugh because I have been there!!!!!!
I mean, running through the house with your pants half off your ass takes talent! Think we could list that on our resumes as “special skills”?
this. is. awesome.
So glad you liked it, friend.
That was awesome, Miranda!
I hope the holiday passed, and that you were only half-covering your ass during those times that you only wanted half of your ass covered 🙂