We used to say that we were “tanking” Joshua up when we’d feed him right before putting him to bed at night. He’d nurse or have a bottle (while I milked myself o_o ) and then we’d put him to bed and hope he slept through the night.
(He didn’t.)
Lately, he needs a different kind of “tanking up.”
His Mama-Love Tank seems to be running on empty. All the time. And apparently, Joshua drives an 18-wheeler because his Mama-Love Tank is enormous.
Nearly every morning since September, he’s been protesting and crying at daycare drop-off in the mornings. Some mornings, I cry, too. I know that he’s loved and cared for at his daycare, and I know that he stops thinking about me by the time I reach my car.
But it breaks my heart to leave him crying every day when I know that he wants me. It’s also hard to go through my day and do my job when the last and most poignant sound in my ears is that of my child crying as I walk out the door.
This kind of thing breeds a lot of resentment. A lot.
When I pick him up, he practically shoots sunshine and rainbows out of his face and he screams “MA! MA!” and runs to me and I scoop him up and smother him in kisses and hugs.
**Sidenote: please see Life is Beautiful immediately if you haven’t already seen it. Like, see it yesterday. Pack tissues.**
When we get home Joshua is All-Mama-All-the-Time.
If I sit down for a minute, I have about 2 seconds until I hear “I needa sit Mama’s wap!” and his boney little toddler butt is glued to my leg. Glued.
And then there’s “I need you hold you me!” (formerly known as “Mama up!”) with his toddler arms stretched up toward my face asking to be picked up just to, presumably, be close to me.
The latest “trick” to get me to hold him is “I need you snuggle Mama.”
HOW DOES ONE RESIST THE CUTE OF THAT?
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The “problem” (I hate even calling it that) comes from the fact that we, Joshua and me, we speak different Love Languages. (You’ve heard of The 5 Love Languages, right? I mean, I haven’t read it, but I’ve read a lot about it. And there’s even one for children.)
Joshua?
He’s Physical Touch. 10000000000000%.
I?
Well, I’m not.
Joshua came out of the womb speaking this language. By the second or third night in the hospital he was asleep on my chest instead of in his bassinet because it was the only way he would even dare to sleep at all. And he’s spent many a night (And afternoon. And morning. And evening. And…) asleep on my chest since then.
So the “problem” is that I cannot possibly have someone touching me that frequently and not feel like my skin is going to crawl right off my body. I am a creature who craves personal space.
Saturday morning, he woke up at 6:15. From the time he woke up until the time Dan picked him up at the basketball game, he was on me or asking to be on me–sitting in my lap, asking to be carried, holding onto my leg–except for when he was napping. (A nap which almost didn’t happen.)
Sunday was a repeat of Saturday and at one point, I got up and went into another room so I could sit on more than 10 square inches of the couch. (In case you were wondering, my assets? Bigger than 10 square inches. Our couch? Also bigger than 10 square inches.)
When he wouldn’t take a nap on Sunday, I physically had to leave the house to prevent his sitting on top of me or asking to be picked up because my earlier strategy of leaving the room didn’t work.
I guess the real problem is that I’m away from him so much because of work that most of the time, I don’t mind his wanting to be that close to me. I recognize it for what it is–his desire to reconnect with me after being separated all day. And I want to reconnect with him, too.
But that line between “enough” and “too much” is very blurry.
Very.
And I just feel like a jerk.
I hear ya. There are times when I feel all touched-out. And I just want a little space. It helps when I think about how my boys won’t want that touch for very much longer and they’ll be embarrassed by even hugs. So, that helps me deal.
Even though I still end up taking a step away every now and then. Because I need it.
I do try to think about how, eventually, he won’t want to be that close to me. It helps a little bit.
I love 5 Love Languages. They are a MUST read! It has been awhile but if I remember right they say kid don’t define their love language until around age 7. I can relate to needing some space! By the end of the night I feel like i have been pecked to death!
He may not be 7, but this is his love language. No doubt about it. and yes to feeling pecked to death by the end of the night. Totally.
Oh I know how this feels, my daughter is four and at times I wonder when enough is enough. She comes into the kitchen with me when I come home from work “to cook” which means she just follows me around and asks a hundred thousand questions. But I honor each one with an answer because the truth is all they really want is approval.
Joshua likes hugs. Kaelyn likes it all. Hugs and verbal approval and presents. LOL
Take it easy, don’t feel like a jerk, feel like a Mom who is learning step by step, what works for everyone involved. 🙂
You’re totally right that all he wants is approval and recognition. Which is why I accommodate him most of the time. But then I just reach a point where I can’t do it! I hate getting to that point.
Miranda, you’re a wonderful mama and you’re not alone. My boys go to daycare twice a week and it never fails to make me feel like the worst.mother.ever. I don’t care if it’s good for them to be social. I wish I could be with them all the time 🙁
If anything, it makes me super duper happy to see them at the end of my busy day. I think I love cuddles and snuggles more than them though 😉
It’s such a conflict because I WANT to be with him full-time, but at the same time, I need *me* time. Or *me* space.
::sigh::
My almost 4 year old is the same way. I think a lot of it may have to do with the upcoming addition to the family. Adam really starting getting into all mommy all the time mode right around the time I hit my 6 month pregnant mark. I usually cuddle for 5-10 minutes then tell him that Daddy or little sister (or once I even said a random toy) want some Adam love too. works like a charm. lol
I don’t think he even kind of understands that there’s a new baby coming despite my best efforts to prepare him. :/
I do sometimes pawn him off and say “Sit on Daddy’s lap!”
Eddie wants me to just DO with him. Sitting near him or cuddling him on the couch would be lovely…but no. he wants my FULL attention. Talking TO and WITH him. I am not allowed to do anything else.
It drives me a bit crazy.
But I always take a deep breath and try to remember it won’t always be like this.
And then i go a bit crazy anyway because COME ON. 20 MINUTES BY MYSELF, KID!
I think one is equally as draining as the other. But yes, 20 minutes. TWENTY MINUTES.
I could have written this. We too have spoken different love languages since day one. Dylan’s been acting the same way lately too and I feel so guilty that I want my space. Also, I’m home with him all day and he does it, so I agree with Alison that it has to do with being pregnant. I can’t tell if he understands that there’s a baby coming, but I can’t help but think he might. He points at pictures of pregnant bellies and says “mommy?” and he’s infatuated with babies (unfortunately, he also likes to try to hit every baby he sees and I’m not really sure what do to about that :/). Anyway, hang in there! I’m sure you’re doing great and, even if you do speak different love languages, he knows you love him so much.
I know Joshua has pretty much zero clue what’s going on right now, so I really just think this is him. And if this is him I can’t imagine how much worse this will get when the new baby is here, you know?
I can completely sympathize with this. Like right now I’m trying to check my email and catch up on Twitter/FB/blogs/etc. and Kenz is sitting in my lap but she can’t sit still (she is only 17 months old) so she is climbing and sitting and back and forth. Unfortunately my husband gets the short end of the stick on this one because by the time he gets home from work I am touched out and just want my space. No hugging, no snuggling…. see where I am headed with this? I also try to remind myself everyday that it won’t always be like this and some day I will wish I had enjoyed it more.
I totally see where you’re headed with this. Totally.
I thought you would. Doesn’t mean I don’t hate that I am like that though.
Oh, Miranda, that’s difficult – and I have no advice. I get home & it’s kids, all of the time, but, well, I’m a touchy-feely person, and my lap is ample.
It’ll likely get worse when NSJM2.1 comes along – but it’s obvious, in reading this that your kid knows that he’s loved . . . and that’s, really, all we can hope for as parents (well, that, and a little freaking peace & quiet)
Heh. Peace and quiet? You get that? ::jealous::
And yes, I know he knows he’s loved so maybe that has to be enough.
Oh, that’s difficult. Even being a snuggler myself, I sometimes find my ultra-cuddly little guy needs just a little more than I can find. I try my hardest not to let him know. I can’t imagine how it feels if you’re NOT a touchy-feely person.
So I send you hugs (the virtual kind that don’t involve me invading your personal space.)
Yay virtual hugs!
I love to snuggle him, I do. But I love to snuggle him in small doses and not all-snuggle-all-the-time. Same as with anything–everything in moderation.
Fortunately, unlike the tank in your car? What you’re filling this tank with is a completely renewable resource.
Honey, of course you feel touched out. Of course he makes you crazy sometimes. You know why you’re a really amazing mom? Because even when it makes your skin want to crawl, you still want to do whatever it takes to make your boy happy. No wonder he’s so happy to see you at the end of the day.
True, true. A few minutes (or a night) of no snuggling and I find some reserves to do it all over again the next day.
And OMG he’s so happy to see me. So.