I’ve been chewing on this post and tiptoe-ing around the taboo since announcing this pregnancy for fear of offending or ostracizing or something to someone. Or myself from the rest of the universe. But I can’t NOT write this.
I’ve had over a month for this pregnancy to sink in and I’m still not sure how I feel about it.
When I wrote this summer that because we weren’t 100%, we were waiting, I meant it. And I was okay with it. When we really looked at things, now wasn’t the best time. We needed to wait. As the summer went on and Joshua and I had a great time together (and some not-so-great times, I’ll admit) I really started to envision our life with just him. And I liked what I saw. At least until he was older and could understand what another baby meant.
When I say “we didn’t plan this” I mean “we didn’t plan this.”
And this? This is not the kind of thing that I don’t plan.
I feel irresponsible somehow, like a teenager who gets knocked up in the backseat of a car. In fact, this unplanned pregnancy is the most irresponsible thing I’ve ever done in 29 years on this earth. And I went to a party school for college and pledged a sorority if that tells you anything. (Sorry, Mama. I hope I’m still the Golden Child.)
This irresponsibility leaves me with a feeling of shame. Guilt. Angst.
I feel guilty when I think of my friends who are battling infertility who so desperately want this that they’d do just about anything, including stab themselves with needles.
I don’t want to talk about this pregnancy because all I can find to do right now is complain and complaining must make me seem like a miserable excuse for a human being to them. I know it stings. I know it hurts. And that compounds my guilt and shame so that I’m not only feeling those feelings because of this unplanned pregnancy but also because of how I must be hurting them with how ungrateful I am.
And I know that I’m being ungrateful with what is obviously meant for me for reasons I can’t yet see and maybe never will.
And yet?
I have no idea how to flip a switch and suddenly be grateful when physically and emotionally I’m miserable.
I have small flashes of excitement. I’ll see a cute baby outfit or a pair of booties and think of how much I loved Joshua in those things and I’ll feel a smile form in my heart. But then a wave of nausea washes over me and I’m back to feeling like a stranger in my own body. Like this is happening TO me instead of WITH me.
And then I think of the women who would gladly feel like puking their guts out 24 hours a day and I start to kind of hate myself for feeling so ungrateful.
I know there’s not a baby-quota, but why not them? Why me? Why me when I feel so horrifically unequipped for this?
Camille
Monday 3rd of October 2011
Just give it time and don't pressure yourself to feel grateful. Good luck and congrats!
"Cookie"
Wednesday 28th of September 2011
This was a post that I could have written. We found out we're pregnant with our THIRD child a few months back. Shocked is putting it mildly. I was on birth control and breastfeeding my youngest. When I broke the news to my husband.... well, let's just say it was a trying few days. We didn't tell anyone for about a month after I had it confirmed with my OB. I'm 18 weeks tomorrow and truthfully just now getting excited about it. I feel horrible though! I have the same thoughts like you do that there are women out there that would do ANYTHING to be where I'm at....... and then I think what kind of mother am I not to have doubts about this baby I'm carrying. I was so excited for my first two..... am I being sad at times about this?! I've finally just let myself feel what I feel and be okay with it. I know when that sweet child arrives all will be well. It's just taking some getting used to the fact..... we're human and feel what we feel!
Jen
Monday 12th of September 2011
Our first was intentional and prepared for, but I still ended up regretting getting pregnant after my Crohn's flared at week 8. For the entire pregnancy, I whined about how awful it was and how it was all a mistake. And apparently offended a friend that was struggling with infertility problems. But we are all entitled to our own emotions. And I think it's ridiculous that someone would make you feel guilty for wanting something different.
Stay strong and I'm hoping that things get better for you soon.
Mama
Wednesday 7th of September 2011
John 8:32, and the truth shall set you free! Once we can be honest with ourselves, then we can begin the process to heal and change. We are our hardest critics! Forgive yourself for being what you call irresponsible and go forward. Get around someone with a great positive attitude and just rest there awhile. You have always been pessimistic. Y'all I can't understand why in the world this beautiful, bright, intelligent woman could be so negative. I wake up singing in the morning. Ask her! Miranda used to tell me NOT to sing to her before 11:00 am. That was about the time she was good and awake......lol. Laying all jokes aside, this is a normal process that we as women go through, responsible women of course. You have those that just have babies to be having babies but we'll save that for another time. Those are irresponsible people. You and Dan are the most level headed people that I know. Having a baby is a BIG change in our lives and physical being. I know that you have had all sorts of.....how we gonna do this and how we gonna do that, but you know what? These are some of the same questions you had with Joshua. I remember you saying to me one time, how in the world are we going to afford daycare? Guess what? You have. I know that doesn't make it easier but in time the situation will just become part of your life and things will fall into place. For the meantime, just breathe and know that there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow even if we have to put up with the rain! I love you more than words could ever say!
Miranda
Wednesday 7th of September 2011
Thank you, mama.
John
Wednesday 7th of September 2011
It's funny - because we all "know" you, and you, not being prepared is much the equivalent of a 3rd degree blackbelt/eagle scout feeling over-prepared to give a campfire-safety lecture. I know it doesn't feel like it - but you're going to be great.
Now, though, was this kid conceived in the back seat of a car? Because that would be kind-of funny.
Miranda
Wednesday 7th of September 2011
Ehhh....no. No it was not.
And thanks for thinking I'm going to be great.