Here’s the deal, people.
As a result of my last pregnancy, three years ago, I’m fat in a way I didn’t imagine. However, in seeing what my gene pool had to offer in terms of the way my body would morph after pregnancy, I really shouldn’t be surprised.
I’ve never been thin. I’ve always been one of the bigger girls in my group of friends. I was the smallest I’d been since high school when I got married and I rocked a bikini on my honeymoon. Was I the skinniest girl at the pool? Hell no. Not even. But I was confident. I felt beautiful. My stomach, while in no way defined, was smooth. There wasn’t a giant pouch of flab hanging over my bikini area.
Basically, I didn’t have a FUPA. And now I do.
Now, the entire lower section of my stomach, from belly button to c-section scar, is one giant mound of stretch-mark riddled flab. It’s ugly. I hate it. I hate it so much I don’t even like to look at myself. Ever.
(And do not even get me started on the progesterone-fueled zits clogging up my face, arms, neck, and back. I wish I were joking.)
I’m cursing the fact that I was on medication for depression that made it nearly impossible for me to lose a few pounds. I’m cursing the fact that when I came off of that medication, my PCOS came back and the imbalance of those hormones also made weight loss difficult without starving myself or being a slave to the elliptical. And despite the fact that I have those other things to blame, I’m cursing myself for not being more serious about doing something about it earlier this year when I set out to do something about it.
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And “they” say “but, Miranda, your body grew a human! It did something amazing! It’s growing another human! YAY!”
People, on what planet, exactly, is that supposed to boost my self-esteem? Because it doesn’t. I mean, it’s awesome that my body can do this, truly, but why are mothers expected to give up their self-esteem and ideal body image when they have kids? Like the mom’s body doesn’t matter anymore? How is that even remotely okay? I didn’t stop becoming a person with real emotions about this when I had Joshua, you know? It’s not like he makes the flab okay.
Right now, nothing I own fits and I am miserable.
Maternity pants are either too tight or too loose. The waistbands push my fat up and out, making me look misshapen and malformed. Like I have Quasimodo-stomach or something. If I pull the waistband up to prevent this from happening, it clearly looks like I’ve shoved my fat into my pants. Which I have. You can see the space between my stomach flab and my legs and I’m about two steps away from finding myself on People of Wal-Mart.
My regular pants are too tight. Everywhere. And that was as much a problem before finding out I was pregnant as it is right now.
Right now I am fat-pregnant and I feel ugly. I want to be able to put on some clothes and go eat dinner (a sensible one) with my husband and son without having to change my clothes three times. I want to be able to grab something out of the closet in the morning and not think “I hope no one notices that I wore these pants yesterday, but they’re the only comfortable ones I have so screw it.”
I want to not be fat right now.
I’m so sorry you feel this way! I’m just now finally getting back some of my self-esteem. However as I still have to wear maternity clothes, it’s not a lot of self-esteem. I’m just going to have to go to goodwill and get some transition clothes. They’ve got a good maternity section. You should check it out!
This too shall pass…
((hugz))
I mean, my self-esteem has never been awesome, but I could almost always find SOMETHING to wear that made me feel good. Not right now, I can’t.
dude. i FEEL you. I am fat, yet I weigh less than my first doc appointment. WHAT? then how does NOTHING i own fit????
Bah.
plus I am headachey, vomitty, and exhausted.
Growing a baby sort of sucks.
There, I said it.
UGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH.
And bah.
And I agree.
And I said it, too.
Girl…hang in there. We’ve all (at one point or another) suffered with the battle of the bulge. It is temporary. And I bet you look darn cute in your maternity clothes – we are our own harshest critics.
I think I’d look cuter if I didn’t look like I was carrying a giant load in my pants. Because there’s not a belly to hold them up, they fall down. So I look ridiculous.
I’m sorry, mama. For what it’s worth (and I don’t know if it is) I thought you were drop dead gorgeous when I met you (not to mention super FUN!). I would kill for your skin tone and your hair. Okay, maybe not kill but I’m just trying to prove that the grass is always greener. I’m blond and wish I were a brunette. I’m short and wish I were tall. My hair is curly and I wish it were straight.
Being a woman is hard.
Thanks, Molly. Truly. I know we always want what we aren’t and we should just learn to love what we have. This is just really hard right now.
Oh I remember this stage all to well. Where you don’t exactly look pregnant, but you also don’t exactly look NOT pregnant! I found that elastic was my friend during these times. Elastic waist skirts and yoga pants.
If it makes you feel any better I had my baby 15 months ago and my body looks like I’m in the “are you pregnant” stage. *sigh* Being a woman sucks sometimes, but the alternative isn’t appealing at all.
YES! That is where I am. I don’t look pregnant, but I don’t look NOT pregnant. I just look….frumpy.
And since I’ve looked like this since my son was born, it’s not like I have any room to complain now, you know? I could’ve done something about this months ago and I didn’t.
Oh sweetie. I love you.
But you’re pregnant.
I know that the weight gainage blows donkey nuts dipped in corn poop.
But you’re pregnant and that is such an amazing blessing.
PS. I have zits. And I’m not pregnant.
PPS. I have stretch marks on my facken calves…who has those? GAH
PPPS. I have gray hair…I blame the asshole dog I own
PPPPS. I love you and think that you are beautiful. And you’re growing a baby. You’re having a baby!!! AHHHHHH…that is so awesome. Think of the finish line my friend. In a few months–ish you’re going to have a lovely squishy baby and all of this will have been worth it.
I put on 3 stone with DD. It sucked. Big time. Two years later and I’m still not back to my pre-preggy size. I know where you are now and I feel for you!
I know the reasons why can be different for everyone…. But I have/had PCOS too. And am hypothyroid. And acne on face, chest, back and back of arms. Have you seen a hollistic Dr? I went to an Internal Chiro who determined it was all due to food allergies. Yes! Food! I love glutens but they do not love me back (and dairy, cashews, shrimp, blueberries, coconut….yada yada and so on). Too much of a bad thing and it sent the endocrine system out of whack….affecting the adrenals and thyroid. But I digress and this is not my story. Just wondering if you have looked into the root cause for you.
I know the feeling. I had gotten down to my pre-preg weight after about 5 months and I felt pretty good – things had shifted, but I felt good. Then I finally admitted my PPD and started medication. Then the weight started coming back. And now? I feel like a fat slob – my pants don’t fit. My tshirts are too tight. And I’m sick of looking in the mirror at myself. What’s worse is that I can’t work out – seriously. My body went on a complete milk-producing haitus when I worked out. So the exercise routine I did daily while pregnant was completely out of the question. That REALLY didn’t help the weight gain. I’ve been angry at myself for letting it happen, and I’m even more upset when I try on three outfits a day to find something that looks decent.
And what do people tell me? ” Oh! But you had a baby! Look what you got out of it! You still look beautiful, but your body changes after having a baby. And you’ve got this little blessing to show off!” As you said, I’m not sure how that exactly is supposed to make me feel better – almost lik they’re saying, “Yes! You are a fat slob, but it’s okay!”
So I finally went out, bought pants in a size I’ve never purchased before, and atleast they fit decently. So I’m not constantly reminded of my fat every time I sit down and hope they don’t rip up the crotch. I’ll work on my weight after I wean my daughter (starting in 2 weeks, y’all…..that’s all I’m saying!) But as for feeling fat, I know how you feel.
((((HUGS))))))