I feel like I need to continue my thoughts from yesterday’s post in part because I think maybe I wasn’t clear and also because I can’t get this nagging feeling out of my head and the only way I know to do that is to come here and word vom a little and see how it all plays out.
So? More word vom. About BlogHer. But also about blogging in general.
I think that what I’m scared of the most is the “what-ifs” of BlogHer and opportunities like this where I’ll be networking with other people. It’s not the networking that scares me, though. It’s the what-comes-next part of networking.
See, I love this blog and the people who’ve made it into something great. (That’d be y’all.) I love all of this so much.
But if I’m being honest? Sometimes I don’t know where I’m going with it. I feel like I lack direction sometimes. Like I’m just throwing my words out into the ether and hoping they help someone or at the very least cause harm to none.
Do y’all feel like this place lacks direction? Like I’m just sort of throwing random words out there and you come back each day going “Wow…wonder what sort of crazy she’s baked up today!”?
This blog, while sometimes narcissistic in its ramblings, has become as much about y’all and what YOU get out of being here as it is about me. This lack of direction is why I think it’s important for me to attend this conference. I think that’s why it’s important for me to go and sit in the sessions and learn and meet these people.
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But then the fear creeps in.
What if I go there and I come home and I still lack the direction I feel like I’m lacking now?
I know I will have met some amazing people and online friendships will be firmly grounded in the real world. That’s not insignificant in the least and is as much a reason for me wanting to attend as everything else.
But what if I go there and I am struck with a bolt of lightning clear out of the sky that points me in the direction I should be headed?
What if I go to BlogHer and I FIND that direction and then I can’t do anything about it because my real job (And husband. And son. And other things.) need to come first?
What do I do when I come home with a vision and a purpose and, as so often happens, other things have to come first and I look back on myself in 10 years and think “Wow…that would’ve been great…”?
What if?
I think your blog has great direction. Why? Because it’s about you–honest, real and genuine. I come here because I relate. You don’t pretend. I come here to know that I’m not alone in my struggle. I think it’s hard for us to see what we offer because we are too close to it. I could say the same things about my blog that you just wrote too.
I hope you enjoy yourself at BlogHer and come back renewed and refreshed. Whichever direction you choose though–just keep being real.
Thank you, Rach. I think I just get kind of caught up in this idea that I have to have a “niche.” I’m not a PPD blogger all the time. I’m not a “mom” blogger all the time. I’m just a blogger. Who is a mom. Who has also battled PPD.
I just hope for a little guidance at BlogHer. And yes, I will always keep being real.
I don’t think it lacks direction, but I understand what you mean. If you find your vision, you will find a way to do it. I remember reading the memoir post about your first day at your dream college after you’d been put through all the crap. You made it happen. And you fought PCOS and you fought PPD. You are not going to give up once you know what you want. I see that you feel like you are right on the edge of something great, and that must be scary, but I believe that you will come through brilliantly.
Also, maybe this is why the new school year doesn’t seem exciting right now? Because you just aren’t sure yet what you’re in the beginning of.
I think you have just summed up every thought and fear I’ve wrestled with all summer.
I feel like I’m on the edge of something awesome and I’m not sure what, and somehow it feels like whatever this awesome thing is, it will eclipse what I was.
But then what if I’m not?
I have to say that I totally agree with the comments before this one. Your blog is great because you are real and you let it all hang out there and we can all relate on some level. We all struggle with the “What if’s”, believe me. You just have to keep on keeping on and trust that things will move in the direction they are supposed to. Have fun at Blogher! Sounds like a blast!
I’m trying to keep moving forward. One foot in front of the other.
Wow…I just clicked on my name in the comment that I left above to make sure I had my blog address right (I am sorta new) and it took me to a religious website. Sorry…I am going to have to check into this and see what is going on.
I’ll check it out!
I see what happened! Two letters go transposed on “spot” so it ended up “psot.”
I can fix it, I think.
I can relate!!! Good for you for putting your what if’s and fears out there…I think fear is a good thing ~especially when I walk through it or listen to it! It comes from my gut…when I walk through it ~I see how far I’ve come. I gather information, take the step and let go of the results.
I teach healthy fear to my kids when I say hold my hand with firmness in my voice ~I expect them to hold my hand (especially if we are in a busy parking lot) and they know I mean it! And to some degree they fear the consequence. I guess ultimately that is what fear is about…the consequence of the actions we take!
I once allowed fear to paralyze me…I missed out on a lot! Think about what you will gain and not the what if’s…if need be visit those What if’s later! What if you miss BlogHer11? You get one opportunity to go to BlogHer11!
I think I’ve allowed fear to paralyze me before. I know I have, actually.
In this case, the consequence of my fear is that I may never know. And I’m not okay with that.
Miranda – please come to the Vision Board experience with me! I think it’s on Saturday of the conference. It is supposed to help you create your vision for your blog. It sounds really fun and I think it will definitely help calm these fears!
I don’t know if I saw this, but if I did, I think I thought it was about creating…like…picture boards. Collages of pictures. And I thought that was odd.
I’ll be revisiting the agenda now!
Well, if you read at the end it says if you have your laptop you can create your vision board on your computer. And I think they will be leading us on how to figure out our vision first. Sounded kind of fun.
Why do I feel like we’re going to be given peyote and be told to get in touch with my spirit animal?
See, this is why I am so behind and not even READY for a conference like BlogHer. I get that my little blog needs a direction and vision, but I look at blogs like yours and think that you’ve got it together! If you don’t, then I might as well be writing in a diary with a lock & key on it 🙂
Also, I think your readers keep reading because your voice and your genuine self shine through, vision or no vision 🙂
I AM THE WORLD’S BEST FAKER! YES!
But really? If y’all think this thing has direction, then maybe it’s just me who can’t see it. And I’m okay with that.
I love your blog. And sometimes I feel the same way – like I’m just word vomming without direction. But really, I think that IS the direction. The sharing of stories, the healing that comes with it, and the relationships that get built in between. I hope (and really think) that BlogHer will be FULL of inspiration – the kind that propels you forward without fear because it’s just TOO big. That’s what it did for me last year – but it also clarified where I was going (which just meant more writing, less pausing, more interacting with readers).
I don’t know if any of this makes sense. All I really wanted to say was I understand, and really really hope your time there goes well =)
See? This is what I needed to hear! That in going I might just find what I’m looking for.
I am also a total blogging scatter-brain and sometimes I feel bad about it…but then I remember that a LOT of popular blogs are scattered. They have recipes and funny stories and photos and serious posts and experiences and YouTube videos and hair tutorials and other stuff. Look at The Pioneer Woman. She is loved because she is HERSELF and doesn’t worry whether or not some of her readers think “oh jeeze, I am SO TIRED of hearing about cows this week!”.
Blogging is all about sharing what you think and what you love. Whatever that is on any particular day. So don’t try to pin yourself down.
Realistically, it makes complete sense. And most of the time, I’m good just being me and doing what I do and posting random crap that’s on my mind. But then sometimes, like now when I feel like I am just on the brink of maybe finally understanding what it is I’m doing? I feel like I’m not doing a good enough job doing whatever it is I’m doing right now.
I am, however, glad to know people don’t mind random. I’ve got tons of that.
Hi, I’ve been following for a few weeks now and mostly wanted to say hi, but also to let you know how glad I am that I found your blog. I relate to so many things you talk about, from PPD and depression in general, and to the feelings of anxiety, loneliness, frustration, and being at the end of your rope. My son is almost 22 months and he never.stops.moving. Unless he’s asleep. Which, after working 8 hours and coming home just as my husband is leaving for work, really leaves me worn out and depressed! My husband grew up in the kind of family you would see on tv where everything is perfect and no one ever has anything bad happen to them, no divorce or mental illness or abuse or anything, just picture perfect. He doesn’t really understand what I’m going through. I have a blog, too, but I don’t really keep it up like I should, in part because I don’t feel like I have anything worthwhile to say, but mainly because my husband’s family reads it, and they don’t really understand, either. After a rough day on Sunday and a confrontation with my husband where he told me he would have left me already if he thought what I was doing was on purpose instead of in my head, I took the steps to get into counseling. Depression isn’t really talked about, but I’m hoping that by continuing to follow your blog, I will better be able to open up about my issues, too.
One thing in closing: You’re doing a great job, momma!
First of all, huge, whopping standing ovation to you for seeking counseling. Huge.
I hate that depression isn’t talked about. HATE it. I hate that people feel alone and solitary in their struggles. I don’t ever want this to be a place where people are alone.
If you feel you need to write about your experience, start a new blog. Tell no one if you have to. Make it password protected. Write what you need to write. But? Even though it’s a giant, lump-in-the-throat kind of fear? Don’t be afraid to be honest with the people close to you either when you find yourself ready to share. Some people don’t understand. That’s true. But I think far more people sort of get it than will let on without knowing that people get it, you know? It could be that they HAVE struggled and just don’t talk about it because THEY don’t think people will understand.
I’m here if you need to talk. Always an email away.
Where is the “like” button? LOL I have thought about the private blog, and I think Blogger will even let me make private posts, which I can publish later. As for people “getting” the depression, I just don’t know if my MIL will. She once asked me if I thought my ADD was a result of my “rough childhood”. Thanks for the suggestions. I think I will write what wants to come out, and revise and rewrite until I am confident that it will not be misinterpreted.
The English teacher in me is so proud! Revision and rewriting are important!
I hope that things with your MIL come to a point where you can share with her what you’re experiencing and have there be no weirdness. I’m actually not certain my MIL knows about my PPD, to be honest. That’d be an interesting conversation to have. :/
I have never felt that your blog (or you) lack direction. You write what you write because that’s who you are, and that is why we read you.
I think it’s great that you’re going to BlogHer and when you come back, armed with the insight you gain from that, it doesn’t mean that we readers, expect something completely different from you. Of course we will support you if you choose to re-jig things here and there, but if you don’t? That’s okay too. As long as you are you, all will be good 🙂
Thanks, Alison.
I don’t think I’d ever do things completely differently than how I’m doing them now. I think changes have to happen over time and slowly, almost so you don’t notice them. I will always be me, I think. But I just wonder if I’m being the best me I can be for myself and everyone else.
Truthbomb? That’s my exact same fear. And that’s exactly why I’m going to BlogHer. I could wait until next year when I can afford it better or have been around longer, but I need to go THIS year. I think it’s important.
I think – maybe – I know where I want my blog to go, but I’m not sure how to make that a reality. Or if it’s even realistic.
As for you, ditto all the above. What I like about your blog is that it’s genuine, sometimes poignant, sometimes funny, but I always feel like I get to see who you are. And even if you don’t feel you have direction as in a goal, you have direction in that you’re always moving forward. You’re telling the next part of your story or learning something new about yourself or just evolving generally.
I’m excited to meet you because I think we could have an awesome talk about this 😉
I’ll tell you what…sometimes I think I have TOO many ideas. TOO much I want to do. I have TOO many balls (um, blogs?) in the air.
I am hoping BlogHer helps me figure out how to focus.