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What if

I feel like I need to continue my thoughts from yesterday’s post in part because I think maybe I wasn’t clear and also because I can’t get this nagging feeling out of my head and the only way I know to do that is to come here and word vom a little and see how it all plays out.

So? More word vom. About BlogHer. But also about blogging in general.

I think that what I’m scared of the most is the “what-ifs” of BlogHer and opportunities like this where I’ll be networking with other people. It’s not the networking that scares me, though. It’s the what-comes-next part of networking.

See, I love this blog and the people who’ve made it into something great. (That’d be y’all.) I love all of this so much.

But if I’m being honest? Sometimes I don’t know where I’m going with it. I feel like I lack direction sometimes. Like I’m just throwing my words out into the ether and hoping they help someone or at the very least cause harm to none.

Do y’all feel like this place lacks direction? Like I’m just sort of throwing random words out there and you come back each day going “Wow…wonder what sort of crazy she’s baked up today!”?

This blog, while sometimes narcissistic in its ramblings, has become as much about y’all and what YOU get out of being here as it is about me. This lack of direction is why I think it’s important for me to attend this conference. I think that’s why it’s important for me to go and sit in the sessions and learn and meet these people.

But then the fear creeps in.

What if I go there and I come home and I still lack the direction I feel like I’m lacking now?

I know I will have met some amazing people and online friendships will be firmly grounded in the real world. That’s not insignificant in the least and is as much a reason for me wanting to attend as everything else.

But what if I go there and I am struck with a bolt of lightning clear out of the sky that points me in the direction I should be headed?

What if I go to BlogHer and I FIND that direction and then I can’t do anything about it because my real job (And husband. And son. And other things.) need to come first?

What do I do when I come home with a vision and a purpose and, as so often happens, other things have to come first and I look back on myself in 10 years and think “Wow…that would’ve been great…”?

What if?

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Friday 22nd of July 2011

I'll tell you what...sometimes I think I have TOO many ideas. TOO much I want to do. I have TOO many balls (um, blogs?) in the air.

I am hoping BlogHer helps me figure out how to focus.


Saturday 16th of July 2011

Truthbomb? That's my exact same fear. And that's exactly why I'm going to BlogHer. I could wait until next year when I can afford it better or have been around longer, but I need to go THIS year. I think it's important.

I think - maybe - I know where I want my blog to go, but I'm not sure how to make that a reality. Or if it's even realistic.

As for you, ditto all the above. What I like about your blog is that it's genuine, sometimes poignant, sometimes funny, but I always feel like I get to see who you are. And even if you don't feel you have direction as in a goal, you have direction in that you're always moving forward. You're telling the next part of your story or learning something new about yourself or just evolving generally.

I'm excited to meet you because I think we could have an awesome talk about this ;)

Alison@Mama Wants This

Saturday 16th of July 2011

I have never felt that your blog (or you) lack direction. You write what you write because that's who you are, and that is why we read you.

I think it's great that you're going to BlogHer and when you come back, armed with the insight you gain from that, it doesn't mean that we readers, expect something completely different from you. Of course we will support you if you choose to re-jig things here and there, but if you don't? That's okay too. As long as you are you, all will be good :)


Saturday 16th of July 2011

Thanks, Alison.

I don't think I'd ever do things completely differently than how I'm doing them now. I think changes have to happen over time and slowly, almost so you don't notice them. I will always be me, I think. But I just wonder if I'm being the best me I can be for myself and everyone else.


Friday 15th of July 2011

Hi, I've been following for a few weeks now and mostly wanted to say hi, but also to let you know how glad I am that I found your blog. I relate to so many things you talk about, from PPD and depression in general, and to the feelings of anxiety, loneliness, frustration, and being at the end of your rope. My son is almost 22 months and he never.stops.moving. Unless he's asleep. Which, after working 8 hours and coming home just as my husband is leaving for work, really leaves me worn out and depressed! My husband grew up in the kind of family you would see on tv where everything is perfect and no one ever has anything bad happen to them, no divorce or mental illness or abuse or anything, just picture perfect. He doesn't really understand what I'm going through. I have a blog, too, but I don't really keep it up like I should, in part because I don't feel like I have anything worthwhile to say, but mainly because my husband's family reads it, and they don't really understand, either. After a rough day on Sunday and a confrontation with my husband where he told me he would have left me already if he thought what I was doing was on purpose instead of in my head, I took the steps to get into counseling. Depression isn't really talked about, but I'm hoping that by continuing to follow your blog, I will better be able to open up about my issues, too.

One thing in closing: You're doing a great job, momma!


Friday 15th of July 2011

First of all, huge, whopping standing ovation to you for seeking counseling. Huge.

I hate that depression isn't talked about. HATE it. I hate that people feel alone and solitary in their struggles. I don't ever want this to be a place where people are alone.

If you feel you need to write about your experience, start a new blog. Tell no one if you have to. Make it password protected. Write what you need to write. But? Even though it's a giant, lump-in-the-throat kind of fear? Don't be afraid to be honest with the people close to you either when you find yourself ready to share. Some people don't understand. That's true. But I think far more people sort of get it than will let on without knowing that people get it, you know? It could be that they HAVE struggled and just don't talk about it because THEY don't think people will understand.

I'm here if you need to talk. Always an email away.


Friday 15th of July 2011

I am also a total blogging scatter-brain and sometimes I feel bad about it...but then I remember that a LOT of popular blogs are scattered. They have recipes and funny stories and photos and serious posts and experiences and YouTube videos and hair tutorials and other stuff. Look at The Pioneer Woman. She is loved because she is HERSELF and doesn't worry whether or not some of her readers think "oh jeeze, I am SO TIRED of hearing about cows this week!".

Blogging is all about sharing what you think and what you love. Whatever that is on any particular day. So don't try to pin yourself down.


Friday 15th of July 2011

Realistically, it makes complete sense. And most of the time, I'm good just being me and doing what I do and posting random crap that's on my mind. But then sometimes, like now when I feel like I am just on the brink of maybe finally understanding what it is I'm doing? I feel like I'm not doing a good enough job doing whatever it is I'm doing right now.

I am, however, glad to know people don't mind random. I've got tons of that.

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