It’s hard to go to work and know that you’re doing something good when you have to leave your heart somewhere else first.
My summer’s over.
My time of only being a mom and wife is over. It was short-lived. It always is.
I took Joshua to daycare this morning for the first time this school year.
When we found his teacher he wrapped his little toddler limbs around me and held on with all the strength in his body.
I was who he wanted.
No one else.
He cried to stay with me. I cried to stay with him.
His crying was slowed with the promise of Thomas and the Runaway Kite. I cried myself to work with the picture of him holding Miss K’s hand and walking around the playground in my head. He was exploring his new-old world, just like toddlers do. And I wasn’t there to see it.
I will not be there to see it.
When I got to his school this afternoon, he’d just woken up from his nap. He saw me and shouted “Mama! MAMA!” and my heart leaped a little, almost like it was jumping back into its rightful place inside my chest.
Tonight I put him to bed instead of having Dan do it. He wiggled and squirmed and contorted himself on my body, trying to get comfortable. Eventually, he settled himself on my chest, head over my heart.
I held him a little tighter tonight. A little closer. I measured my breathing by his.
Last summer taught me that I was meant to be a mom–HIS mom–despite any thoughts to the contrary caused by postpartum depression.
This summer, despite its challenges, helped me realize where my heart is.
This child and me? We belong together.
Good Reads From Other Working Mommas - Liberating Working Moms
Thursday 28th of July 2011
[...] -Not Super, Just Mom: Miranda discusses When You Just Can’t Say No to your job, even if it means taking your 4 month old to band camp because you are the Color Guard sponsor. It’s a really thought provoking piece that makes you think about the stress a job can play on a working mom. And then more recently, this teaching momma opened up about another first day of daycare in Peanut Butter and Jelly. [...]
Camille
Friday 22nd of July 2011
What a sweet, honest, and beautiful blog. =)
Miranda
Thursday 28th of July 2011
Thank you.
Katie
Friday 22nd of July 2011
i am so SO grateful that Cort does the drop off in the morning because I leave too early. I absolutely could. not. handle it.
Miranda
Thursday 28th of July 2011
There are days where I wish Dan didn't work in the opposite direction. Sometimes it's too hard on my Mama heart.
Randi
Thursday 21st of July 2011
Friend, this made me cry. I know exactly how you are feeling! Everyday when I leave Britton I know that she's going to be ok, but she'd be better with me. Working is never easy, being a working mama is something that should merit daily medals, but we do what we have to for our family. Or that's what I tell myself daily. Sometimes it makes me feel better, sometimes not. Today was not one of those days. I love reading your stories about Joshua. I feel that I am growing as a mom with you. :)
Miranda
Thursday 21st of July 2011
It's not easy. I know the alternative isn't easy and sometimes he drives me up the walls. But at the end of the day? Most of the time I'd rather be with him being driven nuts than NOT with him missing him being happy.
story
Thursday 21st of July 2011
I was going to ask you how yearbook was, and now I think I'm not. I'm so sorry this is a struggle for you. I can feel how much you want to be with him. I hope you know how gifted of a writer you are.
And I hope you find the answers to some of the questions you've been asking and that they help you find your balance.
Miranda
Thursday 21st of July 2011
Yearbook is going to be good, I think. But yes, I'd rather be with him above anything, even on the worst days.
And thanks for the kind words about my words.