I’m on the verge of collapse. I’m about two seconds away from calling the doctor and asking for a life time supply of anti-depressants and a tubal ligation.
My child won’t sleep. He’s been up two or three times a night for the past three nights. He took an awful nap on Monday, ZERO nap yesterday and today is looking like a repeat of yesterday. For the second day in a row, he has smeared shit all over his crib instead of taking a nap and for the second day in a row I have found myself not wanting to have any more children and wanting to run away from this one.
Despite the playdates I’ve planned in the mornings, this week has been a complete trainwreck of failure full of shit smearing and tears, both mine and Joshua’s. (The shit was all his, though. Thank God that while I may not be a great mother, I at least know how to shit in the toilet and wipe my own ass.)
Except today I actually cried. Big, giant crocodile tears all while saying “I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I’m such a bad mother and I’m so sorry you got me.”
Because I am just not good at this.
In fact? I am downright awful at this.
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I have no patience for tantrums or shit smearing. I have no tolerance for being slapped out of frustration and having him think punishment is a game. I am tired of waking up two or three times a night and, because we are both at the end of our ropes, giving up and trying to sleep sideways in the chair in his room while the back of my head falls asleep and I dream about goats and New York City. (True dream from this morning.)
There is nothing–absolutely nothing–about motherhood that is natural or easy for me and quite frankly, I suck at things that aren’t natural or easy for me. And right now? I’m just a giant ball of suck and I have nothing left. There’s no more faking it left in me. There’s no more patience. There’s no more peace in my heart.
Maybe I’m too selfish. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I’m just tired of being stuck on toddler-duty 24/7.
Or maybe I’m just tired of life. Period.
This kid deserves so much better than me. So much better.
You are tired. And your week sucks. And the world’s best, most talented, brilliant mom, with the patience of a saint? If she existed, she’d be losing it too. Because it’s frustrating.
But Joshua deserves YOU. The smart, snarky, gorgeous mom who loves him enough to knock down a door for him. Because you are the BEST MOM IN THE WORLD for your kid.
And if you need sleep or help or meds or a spa day to feel ok about all this, there’s no shame in that. You do what you need to make yourself well because that’s what your boy wants for you.
Hi Miranda. I empathize with you and am sending you virtual hugs & sleep dust (story will back me up on that one!). We’ve all been where you are right now. It will get better, it really will. Is there anyone who can give you a break so you can practice some self-care–even a lunchdate with a friend or a bubble bath while you read a chapter of a total fluff novel?
You’re a great mom. Anyone can see that. You just need a break. We all need a break sometimes.
You are not awful at this.
You are having an awful time right now. Just right now.
Go back and read this as if you were someone else. Everything about it says your kid has the most dedicated mom…who’s a bit overwhelmed and not too proud to admit it to herself.
1) You are not terrible. You do not suck. You are not a failure (and don’t make me cart my Yankee butt down to the good old South to prove to you otherwise.)
2) You DO have a toddler. You DO need a break. And you DO deserve one.
3) I love you. Your son loves you. This is a REALLY rough time right now and let me tell ya, if we weren’t already one and done the terrible two’s would have made that decision for me immediately. Trust me when I say it will get better. Trust me also when I say tonight when the husband gets home, hand over the kid, get in your car and go somewhere, anywhere kid-free. Walk around Target, get a coffee, sit in the middle of the park and just be. No distractions, no explanation needed. Do it for you. And do it for him. Because you are a fantastic mother…you just need to recharge.
4) Make sure there is wine. Lots and lots of wine.
I think any mom, even Mother Teresa, would be on the verge of losing it with no sleep and 2 days of poo smearing. I seriously doubt Joshua would want anyone but you as a mom. We all have our moments, being with anyone (let alone a toddler) 24/7 would make anyone want to go bat shit crazy. Deep breathes and lots of wine! oh, and some time to yourself 🙂
I remember having a couple days like this with Beth. As soon as Michael got home that night, I handed the kid over, took the car keys, and bolted out the door. I just went out to eat by myself and did some window shopping. GO DO THIS! Give yourself a break!
Does your daycare take kidos for a day or two? I plan on dropping Beth off on Friday – because I have a doctor’s appointment – but also because I then need some hours without her. It’ll be worth the $30 they’ll charge me for the day! DO IT!
(((hugz))) You are a GREAT mom! Stay strong! Take the philosophy they have when a plane is going down and take care of yourself and your oxygen mask before you’ll ever be effective at helping him. 😉 That’s my parenting philosophy!
((((HUGS)))))
I remember those days all too well. Especially the shit-smearing, my God. Vicks. Under your nose. It makes the smell go away. Course, you’ll smell like Vicks for the rest of the day but hey, you don’t smell the shit either.
Also? Totally agree with the daycare once a week (or more) thing. Even if it’s just two half days twice a week. you NEED the break. Go do something for you.
so much love and hugs coming your way.
Take Joshua to the Little Red School House for the day and enjoy yourself with some me time. You pay during the summer and can drop him off, drop him off and don’t feel guilty for doing so. There is nothing wrong with feeling the way you feel, you are NOT a failure!!! Even those that have had children that are grown now (like me) has felt like this. I now have the grand child (that I love dearly) and the same thing is happening here so like I said yesterday it must be in the air. Oh yeah, the poop thingy Emilee was wiping it on her shirt so we know where her hands had been and the bad thing about it is that she didn’t want me to wipe her hands…..yuck!
You are a beautiful, caring and loving mother, I know Joshua wouldn’t want any other person than you. I love you and I do wish I could be closer to help when you are having bad days like today, maybe someday I can.
Take a break. You deserve and need it. Even a walk by yourself around the block when your husband is home is good.
Remember to keep on breathing and try to remember that this is just one moment in time.
Oh yeah, those poop stories? They will be good ones to tell at his wedding, etc. Take it from me a former “poop painter” when I was your little guy’s age. My mother LOVES to tell those stories.
Toddlers do get older. It is just hard right now. I have a 6 1/2 and a 2 year old. Sometimes I like one more than the other. Doesn’t mean I don’t love them.
Every mother feels like this at some point. You’re a toddler mom. Toddler years are HARD. You are a wonderful and caring mother, don’t doubt that. You do deserve a break every now and again. Is there somewhere you can take him to get a bit of time to yourself?
We ALLLL have these moments. It’s normal. We all need a break sometimes. And NO ONE likes shit smearing. x_x My daughter has taken to taking her diaper off and peeing on the floor, which spurs the dog to do the same when he smells pee on the floor. The last time it happened, I had an outright breakdown. I actually slapped the dog, luckily I didn’t slap my daughter. But I partly wanted to. (I’ve never hit either of them, ever!!!!) I had to really think that night and realize I had to put it in perspective. Pretend my kid is going off to college and look back, you know? That’s what helps me anyway. Good luck, you’ll get through this!
Miranda – I’m not going to let you slip. If you need to chat I am totally here for you. I relate so much. So so much. You are never alone. Your e-friends are here to support you.
Line up a babysitter, STAT, and don’t you dare feel guilty for it. You need this. It is perfectly clear to me and I’ve never even met you. I think it is very important that you get away if only for a couple hours.
And yes, call your doctor. Something sounds off and you could need a med change.
(((hugs)))
If I wrote this – and today I could (except for the shit) – you’d tell me exactly what all those smart women above are telling you. It’s hard to be a mom. It’s harder when you’re tired. And not used to doing it. And have a toddler. It’s all a big recipe for MAJOR SUCK.
I don’t know if I’m slipping or just having bad days. I can’t tell and that makes it so much harder. I want to run away and yet the thought of doing anything other than staying in bed freaks me right out.
We’ve had bad sleep in the last week and I am right back to feeling like I can’t do this. It does it to me every time. So no wonder – don’t beat yourself up.
If you have the option of daycare, it would probably be a good thing for you and for him. Keeps part of his routine normal and he is busy and active and having fun. And do you ever get a break? I bet you don’t. You deserve one.
Bad mothers don’t worry about whether or not they are bad mothers. And they don’t feel guilty about it either. There’s a reason why sleep deprivation is a torture method. Our bodies and our brains need sleep. You’re overwhelmed and need a break…that’s obvious. But you’re NOT a bad mother.
If you can, schedule a break…preferably an overnight break so you can get some sleep. The world and motherhood will look better after your body and brain have gotten some rest.
You don’t suck. Joshua has the best mom he could possibly have. You are tired and frazzled. And you have every right to be frustrated. This is hard. There is nothing to prepare us for how hard this is. It doesn’t come easy for all of us and not all of us were blessed with easy children. You’ll be ok. I’m sorry. I’m sending you hugs. If you lived down the street, I’d be right over, you know?
Sounds like a rough few days. I know the idea of taking a break, just figuring out the logistics, is overwhelming, but do it.
You are NOT a bad mother at all! Toddlers are trying, they are here to test us, all the time. And no mom thinks that’s easy, no mom doesn’t lock herself in the bathroom crying thinking I can’t do this. It’s so normal, it’s well, natural. We are not perfect, you can’t expect that of yourself. You are the best mom possible to Joshua, you are, you have to believe it.
Talk to someone. Ask for help. Go take a couple of hours to yourself. This too shall pass (cliched, but I say this to myself all the time when my toddler goes on the bender, and it helps me).
{{HUGS}}
I’m sorry you’re feeling like this…I have been there many times myself, and NOT FUN. You have to remember that exhaustion makes you less and less able to cope, so you’re not going to start to feel more in control until you get some rest. I agree with everyone- take a break! Is there someone you could call? Hugs!
You don’t suck and are a GREAT mother. You’re tired and overwhelmed. He’s in a phase and you’re over it. That’s ok. Do you have anybody that can help you for a few hours?
Honey so sorry! And if you suck, I do too. Thursday was epic. I know people in Academics thought I was ultra bitchy as I made faces and scolded Ava while trying not to cry. The frustration the guilt of yelling and getting upset. It’s a lot. But it doesn’t mean we are bad mamas and we don’t love our kids. We are human and so what, we aren’t Sunny Sunshine 24/7, who the hell is?
I feel like this a lot too. Try not to give into the feelings of sucking. Because you don’t. Sometimes circumstances suck and it sucks dealing with them and that makes you feel like you suck but you don’t.
OK, deal with one problem at a time, and it sounds like some of the biggies are being dealt with. Let me help you with the *actual* shit. My oldest did this and I about (but not yet, that came later) lost my damn mind. Then I was given this little gem of advice: a onesie, inside out and backwards put on over the clothes. If that doesn’t work, sew the bottome closed, cut the neck hole open and put buttons there. Then you slide the little poo-slinger into it, button it up and he can’t get it off.
And as everybody has said, you don’t suck. Duh. 😉
i think we’re the same person….