I’ve spent many of the past 24 hours or so grieving. And I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing until someone on Twitter pointed it out to me.
But yeah, this shoe thing? Is a grieving thing.
I lost a year’s worth of memories to the blur of PPD and adjusting to my new life as a working mother. I wasn’t great at being a working mother. I’m still only average at this whole thing.
I wasn’t great at printing out pictures. And printing all of those pictures out now would cost me a small fortune.
I wasn’t great at writing down the milestones. In fact, none of them are in paper and pen. This is the only baby book Joshua has.
The tangible items are all I have to remember anything.
There are bags and bags of tiny baby clothes in Joshua’s closet begging to be sorted. And I tell myself that I’ll do it. Someday. I’ll get to it.
But getting to it, sorting through those tiny baby things, means trying to remember. And realizing that I can’t.
Realizing that I can’t remember hurts.
Those shoes and onesies and tiny baby socks are the only mementos–the only proof–I have that those days happened. I am afraid that one day he will ask me what he was like as a baby and I will say “well, you screamed a lot.”
And that will be it. That will be all I can remember.
I’m so sad for that.
I’m sad for realizing that bit by bit, I will have to let go of the proof because these things will not last forever.
The memories are supposed to be the lasting things, but not for me.
One part McFatty one part Hoarders
Monday 30th of May 2011
[...] with intermittent bouts of depression. And sometimes, I didn’t even know it. But just like Joshua’s shoes, those items of clothing were the tangible proof that I lived. That I was happy then. That there [...]
Tuesday 10th of May 2011
You've come a long way friend. You keep all that stuff and you do with it what you will when YOU are ready. There are no timelines. You don't need to be rushed. Hugs.
Monday 9th of May 2011
I am going through the same thing right now. It's time for me to let go of Brian's old clothes, but it's SO hard. I sorted through some from last summer over the weekend and it was crazy to think back to what they all were and the memories tied to them. So bittersweet.
My goal is to get down to one tote of clothes for him that I will keep. If I had that shoe? I would put it in the tote.
Grace @ Arms Wide Open
Sunday 8th of May 2011
you are so not alone. i don't have many happy memories of newborn-hood either and honestly i dread doing it again. but it CAN be different. I hold onto that hope.
and it's soo ok to grieve. hugs to you today, mama!
Saturday 7th of May 2011
I know just how you feel. I find it hard to see other new babies; 4 month old babies smiling and giggling. I just told myself that infants don't smile until they are close to 6 months old but to see these newborns smiling breaks my heart. I missed it all. My son never smiled because I didn't show him how. I fear it'll happen again with our next one. I don't have any words of encouragement, sorry... but I can tell you you are not alone.