Okay, y’all. After the heavy posts this week, I feel like we need to lighten things up a bit around here.
Let’s talk Secrets. And jeans.
Tonight I feel compelled to share some Top Secret Intel with you.
These are probably not earth-shattering secrets for anyone except me. But they are my secrets and since I’m all generous and give-y, I’m sharing them with you willingly.You’re welcome.
1. If you want to look instantly skinnier, embrace the “mom jean.”
I used to be all “OMG. I canNOT wear jeans that come up to my BELLY BUTTON. No. CANNOT.”
And then I got pregnant.
And while I was pregnant, I gained 50 pounds.
And got stretch marks.
Do you know what stretch marks do to your skin?
They stretch it out. (Der.) And it never goes back the way it was before. Even if you lose all the weight, you are all saggy-baggy in the middle where the stretch marks are.
Do you know what this means?
It means you get a muffin top when you try to wear what you’d previously called “normal” jeans. And in case you didn’t know? The muffin top you get when you try to squish into your “ultra low riseslashnormal” jeans to try and feel cool? Is not as delicious as the muffin tops that contributed to the 50 pounds you gained while pregnant.
True story, that one. Ahem.
I’ve been struggling with jeans lately (two years), independent of my McFatty struggles. Nothing fits quite right so I’m constantly on the lookout for jeans that don’t make me hate life.
One day, I found them. They were hanging on a clearance rack at The Greatest Place on Earth (Fits 1 and 2 for me, please). They had a slightly higher rise than I would ordinarily have chosen, but I was desperate so I grabbed them and huffed them into the dressing room. (Mine also had a “no-gap waistband,” which, if you can find them, is a must.)
I put them on. I zipped them up. And OH. MY. GOD. I had a waist. An honest-to-God waist was hiding underneath the blouse-y tops I have to wear with my “ultra low riseslashnormal” jeans in order to hide my muffin top.
I want to wear them every day. But I can’t. Because jeans every day isn’t “professional.” Or something.
At first the fact that my jeans were higher than I was used to really bugged me. But now, I feel comfortable wearing them because my muffin top isn’t hanging everywhere.
Did I mention this gives me at least the illusion of having a waist again? Did I mention these jeans make me FEEL skinny? And feeling skinny is half the battle, right?
(I should also mention that those pants I split the other day? Had a higher waist, which gave ME a waist. Which is what made me feel all awesome and confident that morning. ANYWAY.)
Tomorrow? I’m planning to wear a pair of higher-waisted capris and I’m already excited about the prospect of looking like I’ve shaved a few inches off.
Which brings me to secret #2.
2. Make sure the butt pockets on your jeans are ON YOUR BUTT and not sliding off of it.
I read this somewhere in a Glamour magazine years ago, but it’s stuck with me since then.
The position of the back pockets on your jeans can make a world of difference in making your assets more appealing.
If your butt pockets are sliding down your cheeks and are resting on your thighs? The rise on your pants is not high enough to adequately contain the junk in your trunk. Get thee to a higher-waisted jean, STAT.
Similarly, if the butt pockets are too far to the outsides of your bootycakes, you’re going to look like you ATE a few cakes and they went straight to your hips.
You cannot do the reverse of this and make sure the pockets are too close together. Because that looks just as ridiculous. And weird.
Ideally, you want your butt pockets to be slightly outside-of center on your cheeks in order to ensure they make your butt look its best. I super promise. This works.
If you have actual “mom butt,” i.e. that concave mess that happens to some people, you can buy these. Maybe they will help. Or at least offer a little cushion if you happen to fall down. Or have a job where you sit for long periods of time.
Like I said, these probably aren’t revolutionary, but these are the secrets to my jeans success.
Higher waists and appropriately located butt pockets.
Rock on with the mom jeans, y’all.