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I still weigh 197 pounds. But I’m okay with that right now.

I had a dressing room meltdown last week. My starfish Erin was there to witness it and Dan caught the aftermath that evening when I cried about how stressful the event had been.

I’m in a wedding in May. The bridesmaids are young. Way younger than me. I’ve got nearly a decade on them. And probably 100 pounds.

Trying on dresses on Wednesday last week was stressful. I kept whining to Erin that this was ridiculous and how could I be expected to feel comfortable when these dresses were obviously designed with someone NOT ME in mind.

Dresses pinched and pulled and tugged and gaped in weird places. They were too short and showed off my fat knees. There was armpit fat hanging over the top of the strapless dresses. And, thanks to the wonderful c-section that has caused me so much grief in other areas of my life, I also have a weird mom-pouch that prevents me from wearing a pencil skirt or sheath dress. Even with Spanx.

(If any companies out there think they have a product that would make me NOT hate the way I look in a sheath dress, I will happily try it. Because I love sheath dresses. And if I like it, I will become your slave loyal follower. For life.)

Did I mention the dresses are red? And Satan satin? Which will make me stick out instead of blend in and people will be all “Oooh, shiny, pretty! Wait…who’s the fatty up there? And is she wearing a fanny pack under that dress?”

I came home and got so involved in my search for the perfect dress (out of the 6 I have to choose from) that I literally cried when Dan told me that I’d spent enough time that evening searching for a dress and I needed to snap out of it.

Because I DID need to snap out of it. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t manage to shake the feeling that I was not meant to wear ANY of those dresses or ANY pretty dress ever again.I sobbed to him in the kitchen that I was sorry and that putting on all of those dresses earlier that day had pretty much laid bare my soul under the harsh glare of the fluorescent lighting.

Those dresses had thrown into stark realization all the parts of myself that I do not like and cannot seem to change.

Then Katie wrote this theory. This theory is a good one and you should go read it.

This theory is related to the lies I tell myself and the dreams I dream about my self-esteem.

Kate said “I need to refocus my guilt and self-hate into a yearning to be healthy for my family.” And I clapped and jumped up and down (on the inside) and said “YES! ME TOO!”

Talking about this, thinking about this in these terms, being REAL about this, has been kind of liberating for me. I spent the rest of the week watching what I ate but not obsessing over what I ate. I controlled my portions and felt GOOD.

I stepped on the scale on Friday (or Saturday) and the thing read 194! WOOT!

Then the lovely Lady Times surprised me, thus the 197 this morning. Not woot.

I have a fresh perspective on this whole adventure after last week.

I have beaten worse things in my life. I can totally beat 30 pounds.

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Friday 15th of April 2011

good lord we are twins...since I am looking for a bridesmaid dress to shove my old, fat fanny pack into too. All the bridesmaids are 3+ years younger than me and I don't think a a single one has given birth except me.

I am the tallest too, so I will be the tall, fat one. and old.

with a toddler...and possibly pregnant.

I have lost my mind several times over this.

I would like to lose 50 pounds by the time I am done making babies, but right now? 25-30 would be good. then i would be back to my pre-eddie weight.


Thursday 14th of April 2011

I feel your frustration! I have been on a diet roller coaster for um...17 years. I now weigh my heaviest 200 lbs..sigh... I have great friends who want to walk with me and bike with me. We are starting on Monday. Why Monday? Cuz it’s a fresh week. Well let’s just say I’m weird too. wink ,wink.


Tuesday 12th of April 2011

I recently started my weight-loss journey I am a mom of a nine-month old and gained way too much weight during my pregnancy. I was shocked when the scale read 232 pounds!!! It really galvanized me and have now lost 15 pounds doing Weight Watchers and starting up a gym membership. I am still about 50 pounds from my goal weight but I feel so much better losing that first 15 pounds and I know I can keep going. I am getting healthy for me and also for my little girl and husband. I want to be a healthier Mom. I agree it is about portion control and watching what you eat. It is hard but we can all do this!


Tuesday 12th of April 2011

I had great success before Christmas last year. And then Christmas happened and so did 10 lbs. Awesome, right?

And yes, we can do this.


Monday 11th of April 2011

I feel your pain. Oddly enough I am also a "bridesmaid" in a wedding. The wedding is also in May. The dress is also red. No, seriously! Sigh. The other bridesmaids are all thinner than me. Luckily the dresses are forgiving of the c-section "fanny pack." BTW I am totally going to use that as my description from now on! I am also a bit concerned because though it isn't strapless (so would not be able to pull that off) it has spaghetti straps. I am hoping they will be supportive enough. After breastfeeding two babies, the girls don't exactly support themselves and the strapless bra is no help. ;)


Tuesday 12th of April 2011

Are we twins?

The only reason I WILL pull of strapless is because my shoulders are petite. If I wear a halter, I feel like a hooker. If I cover my collar bones, I look like a refrigerator box.


Monday 11th of April 2011

I feel your pain in a way that is creepy. Creepy, as in, I have thought, felt, been through all of the same things you just wrote about! Not too long ago, I was getting dressed to go have dinner @ another couple's house, and couldn't button my jeans. Let's just say, my husband left without me. I. Didn't. Go. Because my jeans didn't fit. Downright pitiful. The whole time he was gone, I laid on the bed and cried. Pretty sure I called myself names (out loud) and said I would never eat food again. Ever. I don't have any life changing advice..wish I did. But if I did, I wouldn't be sitting here having wine with my jeans unbuttoned, now would I? :-)


Monday 11th of April 2011

I have done all of this. Complete with the unbuttoned jeans while enjoying a glass of wine.


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