I’m breaking one of my personal blogging rules in writing this post:
Never write anything off the cuff in the heat of the moment.
I can’t help it. This needs to be written because I need to get it out. And it will be ramble-y and I will likely have to edit edit edit tomorrow. Perhaps it will make people really angry. Perhaps it will help people see that I’m not a meanie. Perhaps it is the post right behind my eyes. I don’t know. But it’s all boiling and festering inside me and I need to word vom on my screen before I scream and wake up my child.
Logic and analysis are my strong suits.
This is slightly odd considering my hatred and non-goodness with math and numbers.
When I am presented with a challenge, I analyze it. Quickly. And I respond. Quickly. I look for the most logical approach to all situations and that’s how I tackle my problems.
It probably started as a defense mechanism to not have to think of my own hurt about whatever situation I was dealing with at the time. If I could just rationalize all situations, things were easier. In many ways, this has been a great asset to me in life. Right now? I feel like the entire Universe is telling me I’m wrong.
But I don’t think I am.
These problems I’ve been having lately that have sucked me into a spiral of sadness and tears? I hate them.
And from what are they resulting? Me letting my emotions run away with me. Me getting all wrapped up in how I feel.
Logic and analysis are the way to go. And my emotions can suck it.
I give 100% of myself all the time. To everything and everyone. In teaching. In coaching. In love. To family. To friends. To students.
I give nothing but honesty when I offer advice. I do not give this honesty out of a spirit of ill-will.
I do not set out to intentionally hurt people.
But I very often find that people are hurt because they do not hear what they want to hear–validation for their feelings.
And I’m guilty of having my own feelings hurt over the same. It takes a minute to realize that I’m receiving what I give sometimes. It sucks. But at the end of the day, I don’t think people intend to hurt me with their words. I don’t think they intend to cause me pain or anguish.
That’s the root of most of the issues I’ve faced recently.
Reasoning vs. Emotions.
Maybe I’m damaged somehow because I rely on reason before emotion. Maybe I’m “flawed” because I don’t see things the way the rest of the world sees them.
What in the hell am I supposed to do about that, huh? What? Because I’m not seeing any clear answers.
Start to see more with my emotions? Start to think with my heart instead of my head?
Because I say people should start to realize that there’s honesty in everything. And not everyone who says something that is of an opinion different than yours is doing so with malice and ill-intent in his or her heart.
I don’t want to deal with the angst of constantly worrying if what I’m going to say is going to be received in the way that I intend it. Because I’ve learned that even if people *know* how something is intended, they will take it to mean what they interpret it to mean. Regardless of anything I can say or do to attempt to convince them otherwise.
My choices? Quit interacting with people or quit being me.
What’s your choice?