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Excuse you, doctor lady. RUDE.

Remember how my PA wants me to have a sleep study?

Well, today was my consultation for the sleep study.  I left work a few minutes early so I could get out of the parking lot before school traffic consumed me and made me late. I got there early. I’m never early.  Early means waiting.  Waiting means boredom.

After a stop for blood pressure (perfect) and pulse and oxygen (both also perfect), I was escorted back to the exam room.  Which had the most awkwardly high-backed chair ever. I suppose so people can breathe better or something? I have no idea. That was just a weird chair. And a tiny room.

I briefly thought of trying to catch a nap in the room. I mean this was a consult for a SLEEP study and all.  And I might’ve snapped photos of myself faking being asleep with my cell phone for my own amusement (I totally did.  No you can’t see them.) but my hair clip prevented me from being able to get comfortable.

And then the doctor came in and started going through my computer chart and chatting me up and asking me to tell her what I was experiencing.

So I tell her:

“I am always tired.”

Because, I mean, that’s why I was sent to her. She is the sleep fixer guru lady.  This is her thing.

So she says “Anything else?”

Um, yes. “I’ve always been tired all the time for as long as I can remember.  I need 12 hours of sleep a night to function and that just isn’t realistic.”

And we keep talking and she is going through my history and she opens up my vitals page and goes “Hmm….you’ve got to get this weight down.” And she highlights the number with the cursor on her computer JUST IN CASE I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT IT WAS.

194.6 (with clothes and shoes on and in the afternoon, because that matters) according to the super-sensitive, solely-existing-to-make-women-crazy Doctor’s Office Scales, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Which, in my mind, is not half bad AT ALL.

And then she’s all “You want to get this number down now or when you’re 35 and 230 lbs your metabolism will take a nosedive and you will have to work that much harder to get the weight off then.”


WTF, mate!?!?!! 

Uh, look, lady. I get that I’m wearing a shift dress that masks any flaws I have on my body and that because of this lovely, forgiving muumuu dress I might look like a whale but I AM trying to lose weight.

And then she’s eyeballing my arms (which I am trying desperately to NOT MOVE AT ALL lest she be knocked unconscious by the flapping of my batwings) and talking about muscle mass and tone and its relationship to metabolism and if I don’t do something now I won’t be able to maintain my current muscle mass then when I’m “old and fat” (my words, not hers).

So I tell her that I’m working on this.  That I’ve lost roughly 8 pounds in four weeks (okay maybe it’s only 6 pounds) and then she asks me how I’ve done it. And I said  So she goes “What’s that?” And I tell her.

And then she says “So you’re not exercising?”

o_O —-That was my face.  Right there.

“Uh, no. I, uh, have no time.”

“Well, you have to make time. It will make all the difference in the world.”


So I proceed to tell her how my child likes to wake up at 5:00 in the morning and he is not and has never been a great sleeper and then I work from 7:45 to 6:30 and have football games every Friday night.

And she says “I think something’s got to give here.”

Oh, you do?  YOU DO???     

-_-  —my actual face when she said that.

So I tell her that’s pretty impossible.  I mean, 1) I can’t quit being the instructor in the middle of the season.That’s just stupid. And not fair to the girls. 2) That is EXTRA INCOME and JOB SECURITY.

(Little known fact–when you are employed in a high school, one of the things that will make you marketable as a potential employee is what else you are willing to do for the school.  High schools need sponsors and coaches for their organizations.  It’s a fact of life.  And when you sponsor something, you are less likely to be RIFed [reduction in force, i.e. LAID THE EFF OFF] when everything else is equal and it’s down to you or the person who does the same job as you and nothing else. Trust me. It’s already saved my job once.)

So I’m sitting there all mouth agape and she goes “Well, can you push your baby in one of those…strollers and walk or jog?” And I go “Ummm….when?” and she’s all “Well, when he wakes up. At 5:00 in the morning.”

I didn’t know whether to laugh in her face or get up and run away screaming!!!

So I politely said “I am NOT trying to argue with you here. I know I need to exercise.  But honestly, there is not time in the day for me to do cardio right now.”

So she said “Well, Saturday and Sunday and maybe one other day in the week.  Start with three sessions a week of 30 minutes at a time. And of course if you’re trying to lose weight you’ll have to do more than just three sessions a week of cardio.”


And I’m all ::nod and smile:: and shaking the head inside my head in a most vehement “NO” because I. Am. Tired.


I am supposed to expect a phone call in the next couple of days to set up a sleep study to see if I have apnea and don’t know it or if I am a “kicker” (meaning I have involuntary leg spasm-y things interfering with my sleep) OR if I’m potentially narcoleptic (highly unlikely).  She also gave me a mild stimulant to help with my alertness levels in the middle of the day. 

And then her receptionist took my $35.

I don’t even know what to think about this whole experience. I can’t decide if I want to go through with the sleep study or if  I just want to binge eat on a half gallon of Chocolate Trinity.

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