1. I’ve never been very good at letting go of things that get to my heart. I have this hard exterior (I think) but I am a brooder. I ruminate and chew on the things that strike me emotionally until they are virtually nothing.
2. I am also very logical and reason-oriented. I need things to happen in a logical sequence. Which makes no sense considering my hatred of almost all numbers.
This sort of internal conflict is probably why I’m depressed.
But anyway, back to the point.
I have made some amazing friends through the interwebz. Yes, I realize that saying “my friends live in my computer” makes me sound like some mid-20’s socially awkward geeky gamer living in his mom and dad’s basement. But it’s true.
I turn to these women in times of sadness and grief. There’s plenty of glorious oversharing. And when there are happy things to be discussed, they are often among the first to find out. It’s how we work. I like it.
However, the other day, I joined in a conversation about sleep training that I have not been able to shake since Sunday. One poster asked what sleep training was and said it sounded ridiculous. I responded with a definition of sleep training and a brief description of the common methods and later commented that sleep training usually sparks images of babies crying-it-out, or self-soothing, or whatever you want to call it. Others commented that it made perfect sense to them. That we have to teach our children good sleep habits. That it’s our job as their parents to teach them how to go to sleep on their own.
I said that calling it sleep “training” indicated that I could train Joshua to sleep the same way I trained Annie not to pee on the rug and that I couldn’t let Joshua cry-it-out after doing it when he was six months old because he KNOWS me now. Like, KNOWS me. He runs up to me and puts his head in my lap and gives me kisses and plays with my nose and laughs when I make silly faces. He. Knows. Me.
And then people began sort of disagreeing with me when I wasn’t even really disagreeing with them in the first place. And this incredible sense of unrest has descended on my mind and my heart and it won’t go away. I felt attacked somehow and didn’t understand it, and still sort of feel attacked. And then, as I chewed on my thoughts some more, I realized why I feel this way.
Because my child doesn’t sleep through the night.
It feels like I’ve done something incredibly wrong because my child still wakes up two or three times a night. Like, if I were a better mother or a better “trainer” then my child wouldn’t still be waking up, sometimes just wanting to be held for a few minutes. If I were a better “trainer” then my child wouldn’t block attempts at one day, maybe having a sibling. (And no, negotiations for Human 2.0 have not commenced. Nor will they any time soon.)
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This is just another time when I feel like a colossal screw-up because I’m apparently creating bad habits by comforting my son.
And then I thought some more about it and here’s the thing.
He CAN put himself back to sleep when he wakes up in the middle of the night. He does it on occasion. He’ll wake up, fuss or talk for a minute, and then go back to sleep. I know he’s perfectly capable of going back to sleep on his own.
But what do you do when the baby/toddler WON’T put himself back to sleep?
I know that he can. But he won’t.
He doesn’t understand reasoning and logic the way I do, and that, to date, has to be the hardest part of parenting for me, the logical thinker. I can’t say “we have to sleep all night long so we can play all day tomorrow.” All he hears is “blahblahblahblahPLAYblahblahblah.” I can’t say “You’re too old to have a bottle at night.” All he hears is “blahblahblahblahBOTTLEblahblahblah.” There is no “If you sleep all night long, you can have oyster crackers for breakfast!”
In that case, my only option seems to be to let him CIO, and if I can’t bring myself to do that, what alternative do I have left? How do I “train” him? It seems that, in this case, where he has the skill and chooses not to use it, my option is to “punish” him by not going in to him at night. And yes, it feels like punishment to me. It feels like abandonment and selfishness.
Get my point?
The bigger issue here is, of course, not about sleep training at all. It’s about our need to be “right” when it comes to our parenting choices. It’s about our need for acknowledgment and acceptance and affirmation.
I NEED someone to tell me that it’s okay that my child doesn’t sleep all night long. And others NEED to hear that it’s okay that they let their child cry until s/he falls back to sleep. And we all NEED to stop jumping on each other for having ideas and opinions different from our own.
::sigh::
I hate mommy wars. I got all wrapped up in a battle last week, but I just walked away without saying a thing.
It's okay that your child doesn't sleep through the night. My son is 10 months old (younger, I know) and rarely does. We did do some Ferber with him, but that was because he was at the point where he was only sleeping an hour a night. He needed us ALL THE TIME. The whole night. We were exhausted, and so was he. We were very reluctant to sleep train, but it had become clear to us that some crying was probably better than none of us getting any good sleep. We weren't going for STTN; we just wanted him to sleep at a stretch. He does that now, so we're happy. I figure he'll STTN regularly when he's ready.
Sleep training is a tough subject, and I know a lot of people get defensive about it. I think we all tend to feel judged, no matter what our parenting philosophy is. You just have to do what's right for you and your family – fuck everyone else ;).
You are doing a great job Miranda! It is ok that he doesn't sleep through the night. He will one day.
You are very right. We all need acceptance that the things we are doing are ok.
A lot of my friends' kids don't SSTN (all our kids are around 14-15 months). Mine happens to. A lot of my friends' kids can fall asleep in their carseat, go on two hour plus car rides and be content. Mine cannot. All kids are different. We all try and do the best we can as mothers. Everyone think their way is the best, otherwise why would they do it, but all in all we need to support each other and not battle. Being a mom is hard enough without mommy wars, you know what I mean?
Okay, so I saw the title of this post and I knew for sure that one of the answers was that you like to drink wine. It was a toss-up for the second fact about you. Oh well!! You are doing fine. Joshua is happy, healthy, and loved. Keep in mind that people tend to hide behind the internet. They wouldn't say the same things to you in person.
I don't think it was right for anyone to attack you, but they probably did because they have been attacked previously and just assumed you were telling them "You're wrong and I'm right". I agree with your feelings of "abandonment and selfishness". That's how I feel when I don't comfort my baby at night. Just can't do it. And that's ok. It's not going to hurt him, if anything it's ME that's getting the short end here, not getting a through the night sleep. But I don't care about that, because he is more important. And until he is old enough to hear my words and understand them, I won't leave him alone to wonder if mommy is still there or not. Thanks for posting, I enjoyed reading and it's reassured me!
I'm sorry that you felt attacked Miranda! :hugs:
It is OK that Joshua isn't STTN. We finally gave into "sleep training" because our good sleeper all of a sudden became a bad sleeper and I couldn't handle it. I was overly frustrated and it wasn't fair for me to get angry at Christopher. We had tried the No-Cry Sleep Solution and got stuck in Step 1. So finally I gave in…Ferber it was. But after only a couple bad nights it started working. Now Christopher is happy and we are happy. Now…I am not saying this is the RIGHT way, but it was the right way for us. You have to do what works for you and your family regardless of what other people say. So screw the people who don't agree with you. They don't know Joshua, they don't know how your family operates, they don't know what your needs are. You are doing the best you can, which is a great job!
PS – I miss talking to you!
I hate all the arguing that goes on about parenting, it's unnecessary and just makes us feel bad. I agree with you that we all need to feel 'right' about our choices and within that should be that others are 'right' about their choices, I'm sorry you felt attacked.
My daughter is younger than your little man but she doesn't sleep much and won't (not can't, because she can) self settle, like yours. It's so frustrating but I kind of figure that if she needs me to do this for her at the minute then that's what I'll do, my choice! It sounds to be that you're just doing your best, like all of us 🙂
You are a good mom and it IS ok that your son doesn't sleep through the night. Not convenient… but ok.
I have this problem as well. My daughter is 11 mos old and rarely sleeps through. She will have a few good nights and ALOT of bad ones. No, she doesn't NEED a bottle but if we want to get her back to sleep she better get one. If she isn't ready to be put down she will cry and cry until she's picked back up. I can't let her cry. I won't. You aren't alone and it will get better. Have you tried changing his schedule?