I’ve had the urge to buy something for Baby since the day we got a BFP. We’re talking a SERIOUS urge. However, I have resisted, in part because I felt like my husband would think I was a total idiot for buying anything so soon and also because I didn’t want to jinx anything. I feel like this pregnancy is flying past me. DH says I feel this way because I’m impatient. I think I’m being pragmatic. He thinks that my “we have no time left” feelings (even though we do, realistically) are because I’m in a hurry to buy stuff. I say my feelings are because I know how little time we actually DO have. With the holidays upon us, there will be even less time to get things done.
I was wandering aimlessly through the baby section of Target tonight (while DH wandered through electronics) when a new revelation into why I haven’t bought anything hit me. Ready for this? I have no clue what to buy. I am, quite literally, a baby-necessities idiot. I know the baby will need clothing, and I know the baby will need diapers and a place to sleep, and blankets, but I have no idea where to begin. Seeing how we’re already over a third of the way through this, I feel the urge to get started in fear that I will not be ready for this baby once s/he makes an appearance.
DH’s suggestion was to take someone shopping with me. Um, father-of-my-unborn-child, that’s your job. Oh? What’s that? What he meant was “someone who’s already had a child.” The problem with this is that the only two options I have are SIL, and in a couple more weeks, J.
SIL’s offer, while nice, might just be a way to relive her own pregnancies since her boys are 4.5 and almost three and she may not have anymore children. She offered to go with me (no mention of DH, which irks me) when I register to tell me what I’ll need and what I won’t need, but I kind of want to decide for myself what I’ll need and what I won’t need. She’s quite pushy, so I can see a blow-out occuring in Babies R Us when I try to register for something she thinks is “unncessary” even though I want it and can see the use in it. Hello, who’s incubating this one??
J, on the other hand, is a much less pushy option. Much less pushy. But, she’s about to have a newborn. DH says “She can get away for two hours, I’m sure.” Yes, she probably could, but sometimes I think we’re not that type of friends. I met her through DH. She is married to DH’s best friend. Sometimes our friendship seems contingent on all of us being friends together. We talk on the phone on occasion, and occasionally go and do things as “just the girls,” but she has her own female friends whom she has had since long before I was in the picture. I just don’t feel comfortable asking her for that.
Which leads to my breakdown in Target tonight. I feel completely and totally alone in this. Yes, I have my husband, but he has had virtually no experience with babies and baby gear. He seems totally disinterested in buying anything for this baby, and that’s probably due to his inexperience. I know he’s probably terrified and is just not talking about it to keep from worrying me. But it’s leaving me feeling all by myself.
No woman in my family has given birth in at least eight years, and times they are a-changin’. I know that I can’t, nevermind the fact that no one should, rely on shower gifts to supply me with baby necessities. I realize it’s my duty to take care of this child for the next twenty years or so of its life, and I want to do that. But, I don’t know where to begin. Yes, I can change a diaper, and yes, I’m sure I’ll be able to feed Baby, but I have no idea how to provide Baby with anything other than love.
This baby is already the most important thing in my life next to DH, and I already love it more than I ever thought possible. (Seriously, I’m crying right now over how much I love this child.) But love is not going to put clothes on Baby’s back nor keep it safe in a vehicle. I am scared and alone, and I have no idea where to begin.
Then, I went to Barnes and Noble thinking I’d find a book there that might help point me in the right direction. I found a million books, none of which were titled Directions for Buying Baby Stuff or anything even remotely close. Of course things couldn’t be that simple. Why would they ever be that simple?? As I was reaching the breaking point, I turned around and saw The Belly Book and then my public meltdown from Target almost continued at Barnes and Noble. Why, WHY didn’t I know this book existed earlier? It was so adorable. I was so frustrated with myself that I left it on the shelf thinking it would be ridiculous of me to buy now that I’m already over a third of the way there. I left before any of the patrons could see the tears welling up in my eyes.
I feel so alone and sad and depressed right now.