There’s a video making the rounds on Facebook right now about a husband who’s about to go on the most important date of his life…but not with his wife! SCANDALOUS!
He gets all dressed up and a friend asks if he’s nervous.
“Yes!” he says, as he ties his tie. “It’s been a long time,” replies his friend.
Then he leaves the house, turns around and rings the bell, and his very excited daughter answers, ready for their date. The girl is adorable. They go have lots of fun together doing things like drinking milk out of princess cups and swinging and going for piggyback rides.
It’s cute. Really. It is. The girl is adorable and they seem to have a good time.
I might not make many friends with what I’m about to say, but I’m banking on that whole “if you say it, they will come” thing that happens when we say things that we know will probably enrage people but might also show us we’re not alone.
Dads, don’t date your daughters.
And this goes for moms, too, though there’s an odd disparity between the number of events aimed at mothers and sons versus those aimed at dads and daughters, and those aimed at mothers and sons are very rarely called “date nights.”
(There’s a whole commentary on why these daddy-daughter date night events exist to get dads to spend time with their daughters/sons and why they shouldn’t have to exist at all because it should just be a thing parents do, but that’s probably another inflammatory blog post for another day.)
It might be a special occasion or a treat when moms and dads take their children to the playground, or out for ice cream, or to the movies, but it’s not dating.
Why is there this thing where we talk about our relationships with our children in terms of our relationships with spouses and friends? Our relationships with our children are neither.
Dating implies there’s a romantic element to the relationship and, quite frankly, it’s weird to talk about dating our children. Go back to the example from that video where the dad talks about being nervous and it’s “been a long time” and tell me that’s anything other than awkward and weird, even if it was scripted.
But Miranda, you say, it’s just a word! You’re giving it meaning where there isn’t any!
No, I’m really not.
The common use of the verb “date” means courting, pursuing a relationship with someone you’re romantically or potentially sexually interested in. Think about that for a minute and let’s stop dating our children.
We can do better. We can choose different words and not frame our relationships with our children in romantic terms.
And while I’m probably offending people, all of the memes declaring ourselves the “first loves” of our opposite sex children are weird too.
Didn’t you read Oedipus Rex?
Am I the first person in my children’s lives who will love them? Who will show them what love is? Yes, probably, but the term “first love” implies schoolyard crushes and high school romance and Mommy and Daddy issues they’ll need to work out in therapy some day.
It also sort of sounds like we can’t let them grow up and experience the world on their own without us, and while that thought sort of rips my heart out, it has to happen.
I don’t want to be my son’s first love. Not like that. And I don’t want my husband to date our daughter.
Spending quality time with your kids isn’t dating. It’s just…spending quality time with your kids. It’s parenting. It’s the stuff we should be doing every day, even if it’s just reading together at night before bed, or sitting around the dinner table engaged in conversation instead of staring at our devices.
Instead of dating your daughter (or son), date your partner.
That’s probably better for your relationships in the long run anyway.
If you want to teach your daughter what to expect from the men she’ll one day find herself dating and possibly marrying, show her (and your sons) a strong relationship. Show her what a solid partnership looks like.
Show her what respect looks like by respecting her mother or the mother figures in her life and she’ll learn to respect herself and demand that from others.
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Show her what love looks like by loving her, certainly.
But don’t date your daughter.
Update/Response/Philosophical Waxing:
First of all, let me just say thank you for reading, even if you disagree with me and can’t wait to blast me in the comments (though I do hope that reading this update might help explain, at least in part, where I was coming from when I wrote this). I appreciate your being here and the conversation that has been sparked as a result of this piece.
I am not now nor have I ever been a crazy man-hating spinster lesbian bitch (or a wanker, I think) but I am sometimes crazy and sometimes bitchy. Occasionally the two overlap. (I’m even medicated! With a therapist!)
Prior to writing this post, it hadn’t occurred to me that others see and hear the verb date in terms of its less romantic definition, i.e. a social engagement. (The noun date means “a set place in time” or we’re talking about a fruit. Or maybe we have a Date Date and then things get really confusing.)
Yes, I was aware that the definition of date as a social engagement existed, but the connotation of the word date, to me, is a romantic engagement between to people who are dating, and I hadn’t realized just how infrequently I personally use the word “date” until the comments and discussions started rolling in.
I don’t say “I have a lunch date with my friend.” I say “I’m going to lunch with so-and-so.” That is not to say that others shouldn’t say that because I don’t say that, or that any of us is right or wrong because we do or don’t say date. It’s just…different.
But the word “date” wasn’t so much the thing that bothered me about the original video and which word to use wasn’t the point I was trying to make. Somewhere along the way, things got confused, so I’d like to take a second to try to clear up what my message was supposed to be.
I want parents to spend time one on one with their children, of both the same and opposite sex. It’s good. It’s healthy. Spending time with our children is vital to their development and our relationships with them.
Here, where I live, there are no “mother-son date nights.” You will never see a restaurant or event facility advertise a “father-son date night” because ::gasp:: they’re both dudes! ZOMG! And the same is true of mother-daughter events, with the exception of teas around Mother’s Day, but then I ask, what happens to the moms who don’t have daughters? Are they uninvited?
There are only events geared toward dads and daughters. There are only viral videos about dads and daughters. There is only anything about dads and daughters happening in this conversation.
So, yes, I do think that there are lines that get blurred when it comes to the notion of “dating” our daughters, and some of that, I now realize, comes from the places I’ve lived and the culture in which I was raised.
That is, the “purity culture.”
I’m a liberal Feminist thinker living in a veritable sea of people who see the world so differently than I do it’s a wonder we’re even looking at the same world sometimes.
In a place where “earn the right to wear white” is a mantra taught in sex ed classes and where daughters are encouraged to pledge their virginity to their parents, namely their fathers, complete with the exchanging of rings, and where there are no such pushes for young men to do the same (nor do young men seem to need the same protection from the big, bad world of dating), the idea that dads should date their daughters so that the fathers can be the great protectors, standing guard with a shotgun while their little girls exit the house with a gentleman caller isn’t one that I can support.
And I don’t necessarily subscribe to the notion that young girls learn about their self-worth and have their self-esteem built up solely by their relationships with their fathers, or that one on one time with their fathers are the only ways they’ll open up when they need to talk about the big things in their lives.
I think a lot of that openness comes from the culture which is created within the home on a daily basis. Engaging each other in questions about the day, talking, sharing, and being kind to and not judgmental with one another.
Daughters (and sons) will learn what to expect from the men/women in their lives by how they see us treat the people around you, which includes them, our spouses or partners, our neighbors, and the waiters at your favorite restaurant. They will come to understand and see the qualities they want in a partner not from what we do on those special outings with them, but from how we live our lives every day.
Be the kind of spouse or partner to your wife that you hope your daughter will one day marry. Treat your wife how you want your daughter to be treated. She will see that. She is seeing that.
So sure, bring your daughter flowers, but bring them for your wife, too. (Chances are, if you’re the kind of guy who’s bringing his daughter flowers, you’re already doing those things for your wife. Good on you!)
Finally, the comments which have hurt me most in this entire thing are those about my dad and what kind of man he must have been.
Call me names. Make fun of me. Imagine me to be some perverted, twisted monster. I don’t care.
But my dad was a good man. He didn’t take me on “dates,” and quite frankly the thought that he should do those things would never have crossed his mind. My upbringing predates the Internet and blogs telling us how we should and shouldn’t be doing it.
But he didn’t have to do those things for me to know he cared.
My dad died last August, suddenly, and without a chance for me to say goodbye, or to tell him that I appreciated the sacrifices he made for me. Or just to tell him thanks for loving me. I will never, ever get that chance again, and can only hope to do his legacy justice by living with the same kindness and generosity he showed for everyone he met.
I haven’t read all of the comments, only some–but a few I think come from a place of judgment and bias. I do not think that you are judging the term but the concept and I agree with you. I think that parents, as you say, should model the correct relationship rather than try to force it on their kids in an awkward and inappropriate way…then be a parent to their child, because that is what they are. If people call their quality time with their children dates-okay, although I agree with you that society’s interpretation of the term “dating” is romantic, but they shouldn’t blur lines. Parental love is different than love between parents. To the woman who said that she did not have a relationship with her father and watched the video and cried– I did not have a relationship with my father and watched the video and did not. Though it might be difficult to have a proper conception of a healthy father -daughter relationship if one did not have one-I would not say that it would be romantic. Thanks for sharing, Miranda.
Yikes…is what I thought when I saw that video. Because it reminds of the Purity Ball that is coming up when she is older. Which is just creepy. You can have one on one time with your child, but it’s not a date.
Michelle,
I agree with you. Also, I think that it is difficult for many people to see the undertones and inuendos of these “dating” and “purity ball” concepts. Fathers/males have got to respect females wants, desires, wishes, dreams, feelings, and their getting creeped out about certain experiences with dad. What part of creepy don’t males get? Fathers/males need to drop the arrogance, the pride and get over themselves and need to realize that it is just as much right, and maybe more so for the daughter’s mother to discuss with her about boys and dating, after all, mom is the one who dated males, not dad.
There are certain topics that would be inappropriate for dad to dig into. Mom as a female can bring up every girl angle. As a mother I would not bring up penis and testicles in my discussion with my son about dating. Don’t you all get it? It would be creepy. I would not do my son that way. His dad, though can tell him what the male genitals feel like and what experiences he as a male will have when he is closely situated with a girl during their date. This is why I say that there is something wrong with some people, when they say they disagree with Miranda and other females who try to explain the “creepiness” factor that is present in these man-made doctrines, about how a female is suppose to at, feel, or think.
When I was a girl, and my mom told me about a first date she had with a boy and he tried to touch her creat area, I listened with a litlle aprehension, but that would have creeped me out BIG time if dad had talked about breasts, my breasts, girls’ breasts, etc. Totally inappropriate. /so you all see why dad has got to back his byut up and no control any discussions especially alone with daughter. This is a crucial time with daughter and she syre as heck wants HER MOTHERS ‘ point f view. No dad owns his daughter. He AND his wife are responsible for her until she becomes 18 . But dad does not own his daughter. He is not the only parent.
One thing I find very odd, is that I have not seen from any person, the comment that mothers should also be included in the teaching of son and daughter about dating. Why in the heck, do people keep writing this as a dad only rule. There comes a point where someone needs to speak the truth and through clear, not blurry limes about dad not being the one to discuss every topic with her. It is weid and creepy!! For example, I as a female, recall how I and most of my female relatives and friends recall how when we were girls, did not let or want our dads in our girl business. It was creepy and awkward for us. My own daughters have said that and I will not allow my husband to control all topics with our daughters about some of the things that they would feel or experience when they are with a boy, or their female body experiences. There are boundary lines people!!
Lastly, I remember, my husband telling us about how his sister’s daughter began refusing to be around her dad. The girl’s mother thought that dad was doing something inappropriate, but he was not doing anything like that, just rying to get the daughter to talk girl talk with him. Seems he was upset that the girl would not share her female issues with him, the way she talked to mother and girlfriends on the phone. The mother asked the her daughter and after a long time, the daughter opened up and said it was because dad was always trying to talk about “certain” topics with her. She said that she tried to not say stuff, but he kept asking and would get mad at her ignoring him. Things in that family got a little tense there for a while. I think the mother and father had a good dicussion about the situation. The dad is just one of those arrogant, controlling men, who thinks that men have the right to know their daughters’ business and force their opinions on them.
This has become a huge problem in this country. Females need to stop being catty and support each other or shut up.
Are you insane? I would never talk to my little girl about that stuff, what do you think goes on during a daddy daughter date? You have got some serious mental issues, go to a shrink, also what is a purity ball? My idea of a daddy daughter date is just some one on one time with my little princess, and I will call it whatever I choose to, with my son I call it guys night out, we don’t discuss anything serious, it’s fun time for them, if they ever just want to talk it’s called anytime.
@Ronald,
I do not appreciate you coming on here and calling me or anyone else names just because they do not agree with your sexist point of view. You need to get a grip and by all means you need to seek help, because you think that anyone with an opinion that differs from yours, has something wrong with them.
If you cannot have a civil communication on a site, you might want to step your butt aside . But please make sure you learn how to read and respect other people’ s differing opinion. Every woman in the world is not going to agree with you. you cant be that lame. Keep this in mind from now on. All females don’t exalt worship, and place their fathers, and husbands above wives, mothers. everybody is not sexist and believe it or not, there are many, many people who agree with me. They just won’t come on here and be attacked by nasty people like you.
I really don’t care what the feminazis are feeling when you specifically are wrong about what you are saying on here. You’re a liar and there’s no excuse for your over the top drama. Dads and their daughters will always have something special, just because you didn’t get it or got to much from your dad does not pervert it for the rest . I’m sure there are a lot of women who feel as you, many of you have also been perverted against or are perverted yourselves .
The thing is Miranda is that you’re making some assumptions in your article that don’t apply to most of us, I always give my wife complete reverence over all, even my children, my wife and I are until death do we part, my children will grow up and move out one day, the things I do with my children one on one is not about how I want them to see others when they grow up but how I want them to remember our time together, maybe it’s not how your family does it but it does not make it wrong, it makes it all the more special.
The video left me feeling weird too.
Personally, I think it is a brilliant way for dads to teach their daughters what to expect on a date. In our society too many young girls miss out on the greatness that “dating” can be. Instead they jump right into societies idea of…if we like the sex…we can go out again. Don’t get hung up on the word “Date”. This dad treasures his daughter. Maybe if the authors dad treasured her or if her husband treasured her…or what ever her situation is…this wouldn’t even be a issue.
I go on dates with my mom, or even my sister. To me a “date” is an opportunity to go out somewhere one on one with another person and possibly dress up or just do something out of the ordinary. It doesn’t imply anything sexual. It’s just doing something special with another person one on one. I think it’s a more female friendly term though (because of the things females prefer to do for fun) which is why men don’t use it to describe outings with their sons. Like, I wouldn’t consider going to play baseball with someone a date, but dinner or shopping I would.
I think this is one of two things; a purposefully inflamatory post hoping that it will trend and get you hits, (if this is the case then bravo) or it is a giant rambling of words that lacks any and all common sense.
As usual, a man who doesn’t want a female to have an opinion. Sexism abounds.
That’s a lot of drama over the truth, women run things now, a man can’t stop a woman from expressing her ideas but you can’t stifle a man from speaking his ideas either.
I appreciated my Dad taking me out on dates. It taught me what was acceptable behaviour when out on a date later on in life. I believe I had the best father in the world because of it. He died 4 years ago and I have many fond memories of him. There’s nothing perverted about it.
I’ve read the article and all the responses. I’m disgusted at the responses that make personal attacks at the author nod make unfounded attacks about her relationship with her now deceased father. I think the author was very articulate and accurate with the issues she raised about the video. Some points I would like to make:
1. Where is the mother ? In Australia, we saw the video this morning, together with an interview with the father. Where was the mother ? What does she think about it ? Are they together or divorced ?
2. The daughter is 3 years old. Why on earth does the father think it necessry to introduce her to adult dating and how a man should treat her when she becomes an adult ? At 3, she is unlikely to even remember this ‘date’ without video evidence. Clerly she enjoyed her ‘date’ but what makes anyone think this will have any baring on her future relationships with adult men her own age ?
3. Many commented on the use of the word ‘date’ and that there isn’t necessarily a connection with a romantic date. Agreed, there are many different situations where date might be used, but looking at the content of this video, it was clearly a romantic date. Flowers, setting for just 2 and his nervousness that is normally associated with first romantic dates. If he was taking her on a fishing trip, and.called that a date, then is would agree with the posts that harbored on this point. It was clearly a romantic style date. While I believe the fathers intentions were honorable, he might be a little confused as to what is appropriate between father and daughter.
4. As a parent, is he and the mother not concerned that ‘normalizing’ this kind of interation between a grown man and a child her age, teaching the child that any man treating her this way, an uncle, friend or even an unknown man, is normal and to accept their treatment of her as a princess normal ?
5. I do empathize with many good fathers that with all the media attention, they are a little confused about their role as fathers. Sometimes it seems that nothing they do is right. However, their main role is as a parent. Together with the mother. Ultimately to enure the child grows up to be self sufficient, independent, of parents, well adjusted and can take care of themselves.
6. The father called his daughter a princess and that he wants her to be treated as a princess for her entire life. Most of the men I know would class the ‘princess syndrome’ as their worst nightmare when it comes to dating. In a normal relationship, mutual respect and genuine connection is what makes a relationship really successful. Both parties must contribute for this to happen.
7. Chilldren learn about adult relationships by observation. That is, what they witness between their mother and father or if divorced, between their parent and adult partner. Not the direct relationhip between father and daughter. This belief is a media fantasy. Nor do girls develop self esteem from being treated like princesses by their fathers. In fact this will more that likely screw their notions of relationships. They develop self esteem from experiences their parents expose
them to and by giving them space and time to figure some age approprite things for themselves.
8. Children, both girls nod boys, need good parenting. To focus only on the father daughter relationship and not the parent/child relationship is to distort the importance of family for children. They will grow up and need a good foundation to ensure they enter healthy relationships when they become adults and have families of their own.
You are an IDIOT!
I did not need my dad to teach me about how a man is supposed to treat me. Going put with dad alone would have been kind of awkward once I became a big girl. i love my dad, but he could not teach me that. My mother with all her wisdom, made sure she informed me and Murphy sisters about the pitfalls and joy of dating a boy. Just me dressing up and going out to dinner with dad would have done nothing to prepare me for the real part of man woman rElationships. Fathers are not equipped to cover all areas of dating there is a realm that is awkward for father to enter if he is really trying to prepare you for dating. And besides, the father is a male himself. He will never be for real with he daughter dand betray his gender and say point blank wha t he real deal is.
Some of you have jumped on this bandwagon and are repeating phrases and lines that sound cool and popular. But if you all would stop and listen to yourselves and , you would see just how foolish you all sound. How in the world can dressing up and going out with daddy teach a daughter about boys. There is a whole other side of this lesson for daughters and then there is a side that needs to be touched on to teach boys how to behave like gentlemen. Do you females here see how you are buying into a crazed man-made notion that exalts fathers over mothers because they tell you all that dating the daughter will prepare her for her boyfriend. The teaching of daughters belongs to mothers too This role is not exclusive of one parent and definitely not for fathers only. The father is not even the like gender parent. dressing up and going out to dinner is just a bunch of junk to exalt fathers. This. Is hogwash and bull unchained.
. I learned from about how men should treat women by looking at my dad’s behavior around my mom, by watching my grandparents, my aunts and uncles and my big sis and her boyfriend. A girl’s dad cannot not hold her and stroke her hair and kiss her lips like a boyfriend or husband. A dad cannot look into her eyes with love and passion like her boyfriend, husband, or partner. There is just so much he can say and do. We begin to get into the weird when we push his thing you all call “dating”.
Getting dressed up to go out to dinner is just that, going out to dinner. We should not be telling her to get excited about going out on a date with dad. Her mother and her father should take her AND her brother out to dinner or to a picnic and talk with both of them. Her dad can take her to get pizza with jeans and t shirts on a nice day and talk about school and friends and careers and driving. Her father should not be imitating her future mate. This confuses an innocent girl.
And to all the sexist men out there who are ready to write that I need treatment. Well, let me tell you that you all cannot get all arrogant and egotistical, every time a woman tells men that fathers cannot date daughters. You all are the ones who have the problem, if you can’t see how wrong this man made doctrine is.
Wonder why would an ignorant man need to call women names. You are the idiot here, not her!!
You have a cynical mind! Who else is she supposed to look up to, so she will know how she wants to be treated by a man. Your line of thinking, is what is wrong with this world. This was purely innocent, and maybe you have Daddy issues, but my Daddy was the first man I danced with, on his feet, and the first man I loved! So maybe you need to get your mind out of the gutter. People cease to amaze me, just how sick they can be!!
Shirley, every woman does not have “daddy issues” stop being a copycat and repeating what you hear others say.
Anyway, women are sick and tired of replies from men here who want all women to accept this stupid and sick man made doctrine called, daddy daughter dating. Some men here are perverted and sick. Any female with a mind can learn about men from her MOTHER just as much as from dad. In fact, people, all she needs is to have conversations with her parents regularly to discuss with her what men are all about. Both parents need to tell her how men are, what they expect, how she should carry herself around them, how she should not allow a man to make choices for her, how to not sleep around with men before marriage, and the list goes on. Now tell us again what dad is supposed to be able to do that her mother cannot help her with. Mother is the one who had the female experience, not dad. Mother knows how a female child feels from the female perspective, not dad.
Why in the world would you think that something as stupid as dressing up and going out alone with her dad is right? he is a man who is not a romantic male in her life. how is he supposed to help her to learn about men. This is so ridiculous and I sure hope all females can realize this and put a stop to this practice.
You must really live a very strange, and demented life…..
You are demented for not having enough common sense to disagree without calling people names. You have the problem.
I have to agree and disagree with Jess H and the author. She makes a valid point. Kids today are raised with so many new terms or making up their own terms or names for things or to describe things. Granted many of you feel it is more than fine to call it a date, I did as well until reading this post. It has made me really think about the term and I would have to agree with the post. I don’t call spending time with my daughters “dates” and I there isn’t any harm in pointing out that what you teach kids the definition to a word is will be their understanding of it as they get older.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with teaching your children how they should act on a date, or even starting to teach them while they are still young. But I don’t think you should do so by calling the time you are spending with them a date. Teaching them to act properly while getting to know someone is something you can teach them slowly over years of having meaningful conversations with them. Explain to them this is how a girl is to act on a date, or this is what a boy is suppose to do for you when you are older and start dating.
The post is completely right. You may see it differently, but take a look at other words that have been miss used over the years. Take the word nigar for instance, yes color teens throw this word around when they are just talking with friends, but if a caucasian teen uses it they get their butts kicked. This one shouldn’t be used no matter what. And if you are using the word date to just describe meeting a friend for lunch or something, then how are they to believe a date with someone special is well, special?
This post really made me think about it, and gives you food for thought. That is if you are opened minded enough to actually think about it, instead of jumping to what you have been taught your whole life just to defend your point of view on things.
Sounds to me like someone has a jealousy issue!
Mother/son and Father/daughter dates, get-together, meetings or whatever else you would like to call them are very important in Children’s lives. It blesses them the with self-confidence and the love they need to be that good husband/wife in the future. The world needs more love and affection towards others.
Yes, mommy and daddy “dates” are just as important!
We are not promised tomorrow! The more healthy memories we have with our children, the better examples we will have for this messed up negative world
First of all, I’d like to say that I’m a weird paradox of views. I’m an eighteen year old half taiwanese, three eighths german, one eight Italian Christian Conservative attending a secular college. I agree with your idea that dating makes the connotation romantic in our day and age. I mean have the same kind of event or time spent with your family, your kids, but it shouldn’t be that sort of weird pseudo-date thingy. I mean I went to the site and this said faith tap and I was like…waaaiiit. See it would have been okay if they did the same activity without the whole like weird lead in which adds to the connotation of a romantic date. Also seriously, wtf is he nervous about? That implies he obviously hasn’t been spending enough time with his daughter as is to be nervous about spending time with her. Or that could have been just to add to the whole effect. Whatever the case, Miranda I want to say I agree with you on the subject of this pseudo date. I have also been raised in the “purity culture” and honestly though as a Christian I think that yes, kids should learn what kind of spouses they want from the people they see in life and the way parents relate to each other. I know I certainly did.
My parents would take us out individually at points in my childhood but I never remembered calling it a date. And we never went in with this just weird connotation that the video creates of like an actual romantic date. I know some people see it as cute, but I think its creepy. You’re entitled to you own opinion just as I am to mine. But screw that, the internet makes it lawful to bomb everyone because we’re sitting from the safety of a computer. I get that some people go out on dad dates and mom dates with their parents. But yet for most of those people, there is no such ramp up for this even like getting dressed fancy and acting as if this is a “romantic date”. Its simply just spending the day together. I also get that for early developing kids there has to be a distinction made so honestly they don’t get the wrong idea that this is wrong. Bottom line, this video sort of crosses the line from get together one on one with the kid and spending to I’m literally going on a date with my kids. Thats weird.
Still kind of being part of the “purity culture” I have to say that honestly that your purity doesn’t belong to your parents, it doesn’t belong to your siblings, it belongs to God. I mean he gave it to you. Again its fine to disagree, this is my opinion. I do believe though that as I father I will want to marry my daughter off to the right man. I’m in college and right now I’m looking around and out of a campus of some twenty-five thousand students, there are probably less than thirty who I would be comfortable hanging around with my sister. Cause face it, most guys are stupid, perverse, and misogynistic. Most guys nowadays focus on hook-ups and one night stands. As a father I am gonna have that shotgun ready. Mostly cause I think guns are cool. The awesome thing is though that if your raise your daughter right and spend time with her, you won’t have to use the shotgun because she is already going to have her head screwed on straight and find a decent guy. I mean thats my sister. I don’t think I have to worry about that.
Am I a more liberal Christian? I don’t think so. I believe in purity but I’m not gonna pull out a pitchfork and chase my roomate out of the room for having condoms. I believe that God intends sex for marriage but again I am not going to beat my roomate with a textbook for two timing on his girlfriend. Thats for her to do. I also believe that God intends for parents to have healthy relationships with their kids that involve spending time one on one. The problem with dating is that the kind of dating portrayed in the video is a romantic kind where you dress to impress the opposite person and generally try to present yourself as the more attractive version of yourself, not necessarily the you everyday.
agree with every word here … of course dads should spend time with their kids – but couching in terms of a date is just plain creepy – it reminds me of those balls they have that I have heard about where daddy brings his daughter and it is sort of lie a virginity promise thing – EWWWW. i loved my dad – we spent lots of time together – all of the kids and sometimes just he and I – but it was not a DATE. My kids are incredibly close to their dad – who has always done more than his share of bringing them up – again, when he and one of his daughters go to a play, to a lecture- whatever it is not a date – it is time together… so brave for this.
you nailed it girl
as they say everyone has a right to they opinion but at the ending of the day it’s better to just stay quiet. this is one of the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. a dad setting time out, yes a date, to show his daughter how special she is to him. and so what if he was nervous?! when you are doing something for the first time don’t you get nervous? a lil anxious? especially if it’s for someone you love? I think it’s sad that you would sexualize and sully something so precious. lady take a good hard look at yourself and whatever made you think this way you need to deal with. isn’t it the role of the father to show his daughter how special she? to show her she is worth the effect. too many times girls settle for let’s us say the word…SHIT!!! so in closing next time a dad wants to show his daughter how much he loves her and how precious she is too him, please keep your mind out of the gutter!
Using the word “date” automatically suggest something more than just simply spending time with your daughter. You can accomplish all that you mentioned above without calling it something that MOST people would refer to as a romantic encounter. Daddy’s shouldn’t have a romantic relationship with their daughters, should they? I think what people are wondering is WHY does it need to be romanticized? Why the need to call it a “date”? I would not want any confusion on that subject, in anyone’s mind, especially my daughters. And the daughters do not need to feel that they are on the same playing field as mom, you know, daddy’s wife and lover whom he made a vow to be with till death. Happy marriages that set good examples of love and stability is what will show children what they should look for in a mate and what is and is not acceptable to them. NOT a few random date nights with daddy.
Thanks for this post. I am so totally grossed out at the “Daddy/daughter” “Mother/son” gulp “dating” thing. I want to puke when I read about this crap. People, this is DISGUSTING and GROSS and oh my God, PLEASE STOP! Yuck!
Stop doing things because I disapprove of them for arbitrary reasons!
-feminists
I understand the point that spending time with your kids is not a date. I do think that you are missing the point of a dad/ daughter date. Kids will always look at their parents and see how they treat each other and how the kids are treated. Your daughter will look at the way their dad treats their mom and think that’s the kind of man to look for and it goes the other way to. The way mom treats dad is how I will treat men. Spending time with your kids doesn’t always have to be a life lesson. But if once and awhile we take a moment to make an effort to make a life lesson out of a date with your daughter. That’s great! Because no one is a perfect parent or spouse. We all screw up. So why not make an effort when we can remember that the kids are watching and learning even when we think they are not.
I agree whole heartedly and was glad to see someone actually articulate the reasons this is so weird. and frankly inappropriate. It is just something to post on social media o beat their chest and say look at me and how great I am, attention seeking, all he while probably raising very confused and probably very entitled special attention seeking children. I agree, you should be spending time with your kids all the time and it doesn’t need a rediculous attention drawing title to make it “special”. Wonderful wonderful wonderful article!
Hi, i just stumbled across this post via a google search that didn’t have much at all to do with topic at hand, but i was intrigued enough to stay and read the whole post, along with the comments … (until i realized there was no end in sight!)
I just wanted to applaud you for bringing up a very insightful and wise viewpoint about the daddy-daughter dating thing. You know, I’ve read all about the idea of having ‘date night’ with your kids — one-on-one get-togethers where the kid gets mom or dad to her/himself for a few hours of undivided attention. But it never crossed my mind, really, about the whole “dating” lingo. Until now. And i have to say, i wholeheartedly agree with you!!! Omg, i am so impressed with your ability to think outside the collective box; to overlook the masses who ooh and aah over the cute commercial of daddy taking daughter out for a special … ‘date’.
And you know what? I am realizing just now, since reading your courageous post, that something bothered me about that commercial; as well as the whole purity ring thing. I must have repressed my unsettled feelings, assuming i must be wrong to feel discomfort over the ‘date’ thing … whether daddy-daughter, mommy-son, mommy-daughter, or daddy-son. And, like you, it goes beyond mere terminology. I am so WITH you on your point that the best way for kids to learn about healthy relationships is to have one modeled for them, at home, in normal everyday circumstances.
As for the one-on-one time thing, where kids get some special undivided attention from a parent — It sounds like a good thing — but Im finding myself questioning this now for some reason. I’ve beat myself up over the years for wanting to implement these one-one times, but never being able, due to schedules, health issues, etc. Your post has brought me relief … maybe I didnt ruin my kids’ lives after all!!
Thanks for speaking out and risking the hate mail :-). And last but not least, i am very sorry about the passing of your father. It’s never easy; i lost my dad when i was 23, also in August. (But years earlier).For years I kept thinking my dad was just on vacation. But i do believe spirit exists on another plane not too far from us … and our loved ones are rooting for us, watching us, even helping us from their perches. I’m sure your dad is near you, and very very proud of his daughter … even though he never (god forbid) took you on a date! (lol).
P.s. I HATED the daddy-daughter dances with a passion! But its probably because i wasnt close to my dad; we didnt have much of a relationship, if any
I was close to my daddy and so were my sisters and brothers. But guess what? We were also close to our valuable mothers.
So we must stop saying that a man needs to take his daughter on a date. Just bring her and her sister to get ice cream. Also bring your son to spend time with you. Mothers also should be with the children and spend time with them. Mothers are extremely important to their daughters. It goes both ways.
There is only one God n Heaven. We are not supposed to elevate men/dads . They are not magical. They do not influence a daughter’s or son’s any more than their mother. Dads do need to teach boys how to be gentlemen. There is nothing that the dad can do to teach the daughter that her mother has not already taught her.
This is why women are so angry about the whole topic. And this is yet agin another man made doctrine where men want to place themselves above the woman who is the mother
This thread is a little old, but I wanted to convey my thanks to the author. This is a tough subject that involves so much subtle and ingrained cultural expectation and gender roles – thank you for taking it on, turning the other cheek to mean-spirited comments, and further clarifying when some of your points were misunderstood the first time.
It’s almost Father’s day, and a I came across the following saying while looking for gifts: “A Dad is a SON’S first HERO and a DAUGHTER’S first LOVE.”
My instinctual reaction was one of deep disgust and disappointment, and it was hard to unpack these feelings. Your post helped me do exactly that.
DISCLAIMER: I do think dads should love their children and spend quality one-on-one time with them. They should teach them how to be respectful, honest, self-reliant people. They should teach them that no matter what they are loved, special, and important. That their value is intrinsic to their selves, and anyone who does not understand that is not worth their time. And of course moms should teach these exact same things to their children as well.
Parents should teach these values to boys and girls alike, and they shouldn’t NEED to teach their girls differently than they teach their boys. Dads shouldn’t NEED to be the HERO to their sons, but the FIRST LOVE to their daughters. They should be a hero and a loving parent to both children, treating them no differently than their individual temperaments and interests require. But our ingrained cultural attitudes and gender roles suggest otherwise. In order to continue these gender roles, fathers should behave a little differently to their sons compared to their daughters. Not that they don’t love and protect both genders, but subtle differences exist, and that’s exactly what you’ve pointed out here.
I don’t care if people call one-on-one time with their kids, or a special occasion, a “date.” It is not gross for a dad to have a “date” with his little girl where they spend quality time together. But of course if we are using the word “date” in that way, dad should also go on dates with their sons, and moms should go on dates with their children. If you are using the word “date” in a non-romantic way, you gotta be consistent! Otherwise this shows that dads should treat their daughters differently than their sons in ways that reinforce (what I think are damaging) gender roles.
These subtle differences suggest a couple of things that really disappoint me.
(a) Dads should take their daughters on dates to show them “how a lady should be treated”
(b) Dads should protect their daughters DIFFERENTLY than they protect their sons
I am disappointed because:
(a) Teaching a young girl that she has inherent self-worth by your words and actions in day-to-day life, teaching her to be respectful to others and to herself in day-to-day life, and teaching her critical thinking and self-reliance should allow her to EASILY discern if she is being treated right on a romantic date, and in a romantic relationship. SHE DOESN’T NEED IT SPELLED OUT FOR HER. And honestly, she might not really like what her dad thinks being “treated like a lady” on a date is. (As other people have rightly commented, modeling a loving and respectful romantic relationship between the parents is a great way to directly address this.)
(b) Again, teaching both sons and daughters self-worth, self-reliance, and respect for themselves and others SHOULD mean that daughters can learn to protect themselves just like sons do. Why should fathers be more worried who their daughter is dating than who their son is dating (romantically)? A father should be concerned about BOTH, equally. As should a mother, of course! Both parents want their children to have respectful and loving romantic relationships, but the emphasis on Dad protecting daughter in a special way suggests that the daughter can’t take care of herself. If she’s grown up learning the things I’ve repeatedly mentioned, then she will have the tools to handle herself just as well as her brother. I genuinely think this is true – that she will have the necessary tools to protect herself – even though she faces higher chances of sexual assault and partner violence than her brother.
If you disagree with me, and think that fathers and mothers SHOULD be treating their children differently to enforce gender roles, then my words and this blog post will not make sense to you. We see the world in fundamentally different ways, and I don’t expect that to easily change.
On a final note, I do recognize that daughters and sons face different issues in our world – daughters face issues like sexual assault, ingrained gender-based bias in the workplace, and the association of women’s worth with beauty and purity. Sons face issues like association of a man’s worth with strength and lack of emotion, pressure to be the successful breadwinner, and violence. Of course parents have to recognize the different issues that their sons and daughters face, and discuss them with their children. But this does not mean to treat them differently on a large scale – they both need to learn self-reliance, respect, and unconditional love. They both need to learn how to be good PEOPLE.