There are cracks in my Mama armor right now. Some of the cracks are smaller than others, but they are all cracks just the same.
They are brought on by night after night of not enough sleep. From having no down-time to decompress. By meeting the demands of a needy 3 year old, and good god is he needy and demanding.
And then there’s not being able to be everything to everyone. Constantly feeling that I’m letting people down. That I’m not enough.
What’s left to give to myself after I’ve given to everyone else? Nothing.
I’m worn thin. Almost threadbare in some places.
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My bones ache. My skin hurts. My jaw is clenched. My cheeks are salty from tears.
It’s just a bad day, right? One single bad day and not a sign of more?
I hope so.
I don’t want to be broken. Again.
That’s where I am right now too. I’m trying to convince myself it’s just a mixture of the normal start of school stuff combined with anxiety about the transition back to day-care for my daughter. But it sure is frightening. Just when you think you’ve climbed to the top of the mountain, you feel your foot slipping and one misstep could send you tumbling all the way back down. You’re not alone.
It’s good to know I’m not alone. Comforting.
don’t be afraid to seek help if you are at ALL wary that it’s not just a normal bad day. Lack of sleep can bring on loads of bad stuff. It wears you thin so the yuck can get through. Take care of yourself. Even if it means finding a way to take a break from the kids. Seriously. The cost is worth your sanity.
Take it from someone who is not only broken, but searching for the pieces.
I’m not afraid to seek help. I just want to make sure that whatever I’m dealing with is because of sleep so I don’t medicate if I don’t have to. But then I wonder if I’m psyching myself out somehow.
What a mind game.
I too can relate exactly to your feelings… We can only hope it’s not a sign of regression, but merely one bad day as you say. It’s so scary, isn’t it? I find that constant fear of going back “there” is sometimes so overwhelming in itself it becomes a vicious cycle. I am so scared of being broken again too. Big hugs to you and I hope you enjoy a wonderful weekend. xx
It is scary. I don’t want to be back there again. But I know that if I ever AM back there, I can beat it. I’ve done it once.
you’re more than enough and you’re not letting anyone down. time to tell the husband you need a little break. have him get up with the kids and sleep in, then go and get yourself a pedicure and a massage.
He was my rock this weekend and let me get a lot of rest. Thanks to him, I’m feeling way better now.
Being a stay at home mom is the hardest thing! It is exhausting, and you never get a break.
Take time for YOU once a week, go get a manicure, or pedicure, or Starbucks , by yourself…it is essential. Please, don’t be so hard on yourself… You know what? The fear sometimes is more crippling than anything… Take each day moment by moment.. If I lived closer, I would take your kiddos for a few hours every week so you could fill up YOUR tank. You are not just a great mom, but you are so much more… Those feeling of not being good enough? Take one look at those kiddos.. You are their world,,, YOU made them!! HOLY moly girl..you are not only good enough? YOU f***ing ROCK! You can’t be everything to everyone… You will suffer, and so will everyone else…pick 2…pick 2 things and then give yourself a break on the rest.. I know I’m a total stranger, but I’ve been following you for awhile… And I think you are awesome… Hugs from another mom, who has learned to see fear for what it is… False. Evidence Appearing Real…. You ARE more than enough …
Thank you for thinking I’m awesome. This SAH thing is totally hard. So is working, though. At least this way I can stay in my pajamas if I can’t muster the energy to do anything that day, you know?
And yes, my tank gets emptied and then it’s really hard to get it full again.
I would have said the same thing yesterday. Today is better. So today I can comment in a supportive way saying YES it’s a bad day (and could be more), YES it’s normal, YES sleep deprivation is a real and effective way to torture someone.
She will sleep through the night. Someday. I promise. Until then, don’t be afraid to ask for help, and know that we’re hanging out here in blogworld and twitter to remind you that really and truly, you rock.
I hope tomorrow is better. Thinking about you.
I know she will sleep through the night. Eventually. Maybe. When she’s in college.
I had a lot of those days (way, way more than I’d care to admit) the first few months of DD’s life…it’s getting easier. Hang in there!
The bonus of this being the second time around is that I know it gets easier. And then harder again. But still easier. Thankfully.
As you can see, you are definitely not the only one nor are you alone. The momster position is the hardest job to fill. The expectations are high, the demands are extreme, the activities are challenging and gasoline(energy) is costly. I have a 10 yr old on the autism spectrum, a 6 yr old just diagnosed with fructose intolerance and a lovely boy/girl set that are just 2 yrs now. Bleek am I ever tired! There are 3 adults in the house to keep things going and we are all exhausted and things never run smoothly. One of the keys is to remain optimistic that it will not always be this way and some day we will become rested. I used to want to keep the kids home til kindergarten but now i’m like “thank gawd they will be old enough for prek next fall! For me a break out of the house is difficult because of physical pain and limitations but also money is thin. Me time is me in my bedroom hanging out on here or crocheting, drawing, sewing etc. Also, I like to catch a few shows on tv with a mike’s hard liquor sometimes after the kids go to bed. My hubster and I try to go out to eat for 2 hours once a month. Another key thing is..it’s ok to have a messy house. Nap when they nap or soak in the tub, whatever..paint your toe nails, shave your legs. Do something for yourself a couple times a week in the home without your child to interrupt.
Oh, yes. One day, it will be different. One day, everyone will sleep. And I’m working on the me-time thing. I know it’s necessary.