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Things you should know to avoid being a douchebag

July 24, 2012 by Miranda 28 Comments

I hadn’t been to The Happiest Place on Earth in over a week, so today Emma and I packed up and headed out. We browsed. She snoozed. We bought.

(I’m talking about Target, people. Sheesh.)

And then I went out to my car to find some jackass had double parked her minivan and made it damn near impossible for me to get Emma into the car seat.

jackass parking

If you can't park it, DON'T DRIVE IT.

But this double parking shenanigan wasn’t the worst offense I witnessed while walking the aisles of my favorite store.

That title goes to the people on the cereal aisle who decided to curse like it was their job. Loudly. So that I could hear them two aisles over. And curse at the women who asked them to stop.

Yes, I’m serious. Allow me to recount this for you now. Complete with cursing so close your eyes if you don’t like it.

Here’s the scene.

I’m browsing the cereal, wondering which one would go best with my vanilla almond milk. Out of nowhere I hear “Target fucking sucks.” So my first thought is “Well, then why are you shopping here, you idiot?” But they continued “Fuck this!” and “Fucking fuck.” And I’m all curious because this doesn’t sound like a kid and sounds very much like a 20-something and I’m heading toward the end of that aisle when I hear the murmurings of someone else asking them, politely, to watch their language. More politely than I probably would’ve because Teacher Miranda was coming out and Teacher Miranda Does.Not.Play.Games.

And then I heard it.

“Fuck you. Go fuck yourself.”

Wait, hold up. Does he kiss his mother with that mouth??

That was the guy’s response to the person who asked him to stop cursing.

I was still two aisles over and I heard it plain as day.

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When I rounded the corner, a gentleman was telling a Target employee about the incident so that she could take care of it. And either she took care of it or they high-tailed it out of the grocery section because I never caught a glimpse of them. But I did see the woman who asked them not to curse.

She was a mom with two kids in her cart. A mom who was visibly flustered by what had just transpired as she tried to stop the fight over a seat belt that had just broken out between her toddlers.

She was a mom protecting her kids while she shopped for groceries.

I’m not really a prude about language. I’ve been known to drop the F bomb once or a hundred times. (Sorry, Mama.) And I don’t think that we should necessarily stop saying the things we’d say in private when were in public just because we’re in public.

But here’s the deal.

If you truly believe that the appropriate reaction in this situation is to tell someone to go fuck themselves, I question your humanity and ability not to be a douchebag. In fact, I don’t even think it’s possible for you NOT to be a douchebag and you’ve just planted yourself firmly in that category. For life.

It’s not an assault on your character if someone asks you to stop saying “fuck” while she’s grabbing Goldfish crackers for her kid.

It’s not an assault on your personal liberties if someone asks you to stop cursing so loudly China can hear you.

It’s not even an attempt to rain on your “look at me, I’m young and single and don’t have kids” parade.

It’s just a question. A request. A simple one.

And the only appropriate response in this situation, at least from where I’m sitting, is “Oh, I’m sorry.” Or even the less-committed, quasi-apology “my bad.” Or even saying nothing at all and just walking away.

Moral of the story: Don’t be a douchebag. Or a double-parking jackass.

Filed Under: Life

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Amy says

    July 24, 2012 at 11:03 pm

    Because apparently I’m turning into an 80 year old man shaking a cane at the unrulies, I was recently reading the city ordinances online to see what exactly I could call the cops for, I recently discovered that cursing in front of women in children is illegal in my city. I’m going to print that out on cards and start handing it out to loudmouth youths.

    Reply
    • Heather says

      July 25, 2012 at 6:16 am

      That is just awesome 🙂

      Reply
    • Miranda says

      July 25, 2012 at 10:43 am

      I snorted at the image of you with a cane. Also, where can I get one?

      Reply
  2. Heather says

    July 25, 2012 at 6:18 am

    I am convinced that people don’t know what being considerate and polite means anymore. I don’t understand it either. Where did we go wrong that now it is acceptable to act like a DB whenever you feel like it? Sorry you had such a crappy day. And that mama that spoke to them, good for her. I probably would have lost it if someone said that to me in front of my kids…

    Reply
    • Miranda says

      July 25, 2012 at 10:44 am

      I blame Jersey Shore.

      No, seriously. I do.

      Reply
  3. Tammy Doane says

    July 25, 2012 at 7:44 am

    It amazes me how people have to respect for themselves when out in public. Proud of the person who spoke up and asked them to stop! Hope your day got better.

    Reply
    • Miranda says

      July 25, 2012 at 10:44 am

      My day was actually good. That was just a blip.

      Reply
  4. Annie @ Mama Dweeb says

    July 25, 2012 at 9:38 am

    The sad part is, that the man that was cussing probably had such an awful life that they thought every single person hated them and took that mom asking him to stop cussing as a judgement. Which is even more sad cause that man might grow up and have kids. And the cycle will continue.

    Reply
    • Miranda says

      July 25, 2012 at 10:45 am

      I agree that they probably did take it as a judgment. My hope is that they look back on it one day when they have kids and feel like a tool for being so rude.

      Reply
  5. Diana says

    July 25, 2012 at 10:04 am

    Man. Where the heck is the fist pump button for this post? YES. I love this. What is wrong with people – honestly?

    Reply
    • Miranda says

      July 25, 2012 at 10:49 am

      No idea. NONE at all.

      Reply
  6. Jennifer @ Also Known As...the Wife says

    July 25, 2012 at 10:22 am

    It’s situations like this where I fail as a parent because I would have banged that person’s car up getting my baby securely into her car seat. SAFETY FIRST!

    And when I saw those kids I would have said “Are you fucking serious?! Shut the fuck up, we’re in fucking Target!”

    Reply
    • Miranda says

      July 25, 2012 at 10:50 am

      LOL. I love you.

      Reply
    • Toni Carpenter says

      July 31, 2012 at 3:54 pm

      Jennifer, made me laugh … and wish I was like you!

      Reply
  7. Mae says

    July 25, 2012 at 12:18 pm

    I’m with Amy. Let the cane shaking begin. Cane Shanking even, for those jerks.

    Reply
    • Miranda says

      July 25, 2012 at 10:51 pm

      Canes for everybody! But not blue old-lady hair.

      Reply
  8. John says

    July 25, 2012 at 3:53 pm

    I was near certain that this was going to be a “don’t be like John Batzer” post — but, damn, that cursing mother-effer was a douchebag.

    Wow.

    Reply
    • Miranda says

      July 25, 2012 at 10:51 pm

      Wasn’t he, though?

      (You are so not a douchebag.)

      Reply
  9. Jamie says

    July 25, 2012 at 5:46 pm

    LOVE THIS!

    LOL!

    Reply
    • Miranda says

      July 25, 2012 at 10:52 pm

      I thought you might!

      Reply
  10. Suzanne says

    July 25, 2012 at 7:56 pm

    Oooooo I get all mama bear about this sort of stuff, even when my own kids aren’t around. I might swear and yell in private but I would be ASHAMED TO DEATH to have someone hear me in a store AND have them say something to me. DEAD. OF SHAME. I need a cane to join the brigade.

    Reply
    • Miranda says

      July 25, 2012 at 10:53 pm

      I didn’t used to. I’d side-eye the person, but my hackles didn’t get raised. But the ashamed to death part? YES!

      Let’s bedazzle those canes.

      Reply
  11. Stacey says

    July 25, 2012 at 8:51 pm

    That parking scenario happened to me when Luke was two and I was 8 months pregnant with G. It was so bad I had to go in the other door of the back seat and buckle him in because I could not even get between the cars. I had to get in through the passenger side to get to the driver’s seat. You don’t know how bad I wanted to wait and tell them to f*** off! Ha!

    Reply
    • Miranda says

      July 25, 2012 at 10:54 pm

      The parking thing. OMG. How could she NOT SEE that she was double parked and think “Oh, you know? I should fix this!”

      GRRR.

      Reply
  12. The Many Thoughts of a Reader says

    July 25, 2012 at 9:33 pm

    haha i love you!

    Reply
    • Miranda says

      July 25, 2012 at 10:54 pm

      Love you too!

      Reply
  13. Lisa C says

    July 25, 2012 at 10:30 pm

    Awesome. People cease to amaze me with their ignorance. Now I’m curious as to wait even made them swear so much at Target anyways. lol

    Reply
    • Miranda says

      July 25, 2012 at 10:57 pm

      I have no idea. NO IDEA. But whatever it was? It couldn’t have been worth all that nonsense.

      Reply

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