So Sunday was one of those days. Wednesday was one of those days. Joshua has stopped napping rather abruptly but still desperately needs to nap based on his behavior and because of this no-more-napping, those days are happening more often than I’d like to admit. Except I just admitted that and admitting that is half the battle, right?
Or something like that.
The thing about those days is that when I’m in the middle of being the kind of Mom I never want to be–the kind of mom who uses a tone so harsh she frightens her child–I know I’m doing it and it’s like I can’t stop myself. Which is where the self-hate comes from.
I’m an adult. I should know better. I should act better.
He’s just a child. He deserves better than that.
But I can’t seem to break myself away from the moment long enough to gather my thoughts and collect myself. There is no escape. There is no getting away from it long enough to cool off. Because Joshua can follow me wherever I go and he does. Into the bathroom, the bedroom, the kitchen. Whining or crying and being indecisive and more whining.
I yell at him. I show my anger. I see fear in his face. And then I scoop him up and apologize while kissing him and crying, my tears mingling with his, and the whole time I’m wondering how I’m damaging him. What kind of issues he’s going to have some day because mama kept losing her mind.
I don’t want his early memories of me to be these memories.
I don’t want him to know me like this.
Most of all, I just don’t want him to hate me.
2012: A Retrospective - Not Super Just Mom
Monday 31st of December 2012
[...] really) hit my stride in this new life. There were a lot of “those days” and I did a lot of reflecting on them. Then in late July, after Emma’s 100 day birthday, the kids and I loaded up and took [...]
Thursday 2nd of August 2012
I feel like I could have written exactly this :(
Tuesday 24th of July 2012
Hi - I just read your blog for the first time... I'm not a mom yet, but have nannied and taught preschool for 5 years. Everyone has pretty much said what I was going to say to you. What you are going through is normal. Losing your temper is something with which almost every parent (and long term nanny) struggles. The important part is what you do after you lose your temper. Children learn how to live and be from their parents. It is better for your child to see you lose your temper than to think it is normal to hold in feelings. Most importantly, your child has experienced you humbling yourself and asking for forgiveness. There is no better lesson for a child. Those moments when you express to your child how sorry you are that you got so frustrated and angry - those may show your child more love than regular hugs and kisses. Give yourself a break and know that you are a good mom who is doing her best. It is good to be aware of our struggles and to work on improving our short-comings, but remember, as you learn your child learns right along with you. What a gift!
Sunday 22nd of July 2012
It is hard. And we do our best. Sometimes it's good enough and sometimes it falls short...have absolutely been there. Have you considered rest quiet time in his room? Good luck. Don't feel alone!
Friday 20th of July 2012
girl, i just sat through an hour long therapy session over this VERY THING.