I’ve seen the SAHM vs Working Mom battle waged time and again but this is NOT that battle. At least not really. I mean, it is, but only as it relates to me and my situation. And you and yours if your feelings happen to also be my feelings. If not, no harm, no foul. Just keep on doing your thing.
Here’s the thing: my hackles get raised every time I see the “I can’t let daycare raise my child” bit from a SAHM. But not because I disagree with what she’s saying.
My blood pressure rises ever so slightly when I read things like that because, in almost every way, I feel like daycare has done an awful lot of the raising of my child. And not necessarily in the “it takes a village” sense.
And then comes the argument from the other side. “My” side: “Daycare’s certainly not awake when my child is screaming at 2 in the morning! If daycare were raising my child, it would be!”
So then I go, “yeah, but I don’t exactly want to be awake with a screaming child at 2 a.m. either” and I think back to all the smiles and finger painting and fun my child has at daycare. Without me. All of the good things I miss.
Early on in this pregnancy, I found myself completely overwhelmed when I thought back to Joshua’s early months.
The ones where I took a 4 month old to band camp. The ones where he refused to nurse any longer. The ones where I picked him up in the afternoons only to take him back to school with me for another hour and a half or two. The ones where no one slept. The ones where I couldn’t do it all.
The ones after I went back to work.
In some ways, going back to work saved me a little. It gave me a place to hide from the screaming ball of poop and lungs that I couldn’t understand. It gave me a place to feel more like myself in the face of the PPD that threatened to take over my soul.
But in others, it just made me feel like less of a mom.
I remember, somewhat vividly, because that’s what PPD does to people, the feeling that daycare got all of the good parts of Joshua while I got all of the bad. And I do mean all.
He was always cranky in the evenings. He always wanted to go straight to bed almost as soon as we got home. Then he was up two or three times a night. We couldn’t find a rhythm that left both of us happy and content. And the weekends were no help because we’d spend two days trying to figure things out only to realize we had to go back to work on Monday and everything would just be all screwed up again.
I felt like I didn’t know my son. I didn’t know what he liked or what he was capable of doing and not doing yet. I’d get the milestone emails and I’d skim them because reading them in-depth made me realize I didn’t know if he’d reached those particular milestones yet. I stumbled over developmental questions at the pediatrician because I didn’t have the answers.
I felt like I couldn’t be present as his mother because so many other things also demanded my immediate and undivided attention. So when I felt the word “simplify” tugging at my heart early on in this pregnancy, I was both shocked and, well, not shocked.
There’s a very huge part of me that wants to stay at home next year, and for several years beyond that should situations allow it. I want to see New Girl’s firsts in a way that I didn’t see those firsts with Joshua. I want to be there for her good moments and not just her bad ones.
Thankfully, Dan’s job has been good to him this year (I mean, it started last year). Financially, right now at least, this is looking pretty possible for us. And really, the financial aspect of this potential change is one I understand and am most prepared to handle. Sure, there will be belt tightening and couponing and simpler living. I can do that.
But how do I do this emotionally? How do I prepare myself for the adjustment of hanging up my teacher hat? For just being a mom and not a mom who drops her kids off with someone else so she can go and spend time with other people’s children five days a week? How do I step out of my career knowing full well that in this economy, there’s no guarantee I can step back into it in the foreseeable future?
How do I make the right choice?
I can completely relate to what you are going through. When my daughter was born almost 5 years ago I wanted so badly to stay at home with her but my career was very important as was the money to raise my daughter. She was raised by daycare for a while. I missed some firsts and It killed me. This time around I am married and my husband and I decided that me being a SAHM was something we could work and there would be sacrifices. I sometimes miss my job and adult time that kept me sane but having had to sacrifice the firsts of my daughter I appreciate the hair-pulling, exhausting moments that I have with my son. Good luck in your decision:)
Three years ago this wasn’t possible. My going back to work was inevitable. But now that I have the option, it’s still a hard decision to make. I know I’ll miss adult interaction, but I also think I’d find a way to make adult interaction happen, you know?
There’s just so much to consider.
Well obviously I can’t tell you the right choice for you, but I say if you can swing it financially, why not give it a whirl? Test yourself when given the opportunity. And of you’re worried about future employment, is there any way you can take a sabbatical rather than simply quitting? It might make you feel more secure in your decision if you know there’s a job waiting for you after a semester or a year or whatever.
I feel like I’ve had the test during summers and those have been pretty hit or miss. I think part of what’s made them difficult is that I know they’ll come to an end so I’m constantly thinking about how it’ll all be over soon and I never have time for my brain to adjust to being home.
I wish I could take a sabbatical, but right now, in this climate, there’s no way to do that. It’s all-or-nothing.
I struggled for a long time before I stopped working when Spence was 8 months old. There are days you will think you made the right choice and days you think you made the wrong choice, regardless of which choice you make.
I guess that’s something to prepare myself for–the days when I’d go “WHAT THE HELL HAVE I DONE!?!?!”
I don’t think there is a universal right answer. I completely admit to being that Mom who agonized over going back to work and said, out-loud, that I didn’t want my child being raised by daycare.
Well now, we are in a situation where we can’t get my son to daycare and my husband and I are working split shifts so that someone is always home with him. And in less than three months, I’ll be on a year-long maternity leave again, staying home with not one but two kiddies.
And all I can think about is how much my son will miss out by not being at daycare. You are so right – they grow leaps and bounds there. They develop in ways I don’t even realize until weeks later when I start to notice those developments. Daycare is SO good for him. And I’m worried I won’t be nearly as good.
No matter what, I think the daycare decision is fraught with conflict. Sigh. Hope you find some peace about your decision!
I didn’t agonize in the beginning, really. I didn’t know what to expect. I started agonizing after the fact, I think, and then it became a love-notlove relationship. I know that daycare has been great for Joshua. In my heart, I do know that. I know that in some ways, it was great for me, too, to have him there instead of home with me 24/7. But when I think about the missed moments, my heart just gets really sad.
Daycare DOES “raise” your child, but so do their teachers when they start spending 8 hours a day in school. I know it’s harder to think about when they are going through all those “firsts”, but essentially it’s the same. When parents are older, I’ve never heard someone say “I wish I hadn’t stayed home to see them grow as babies”, but woman DO vocalize regretting the reverse of that. Your career will grow with you and turn into something even better.
It’s harder for me to see the older kids as being raised by school, mostly because of my experience in teaching high school, but I completely understand the point. They’re still spending the majority of their waking hours with someone NOT their parents. It’s the latter part of your comment that rings truest–I already look back on Joshua’s early days and miss them because I can’t remember them. He was born and then he was suddenly a little boy asking for peanut butter sandwiches cut into circles and it all happened so fast.
I actually JUST wrote a post on Liberating Working Moms entitled, “Working Mom or Mom Who Works?” I basically ran through some of the items you just mentioned. I did not have a difficult maternity leave, and my son got into a routine and slept through the night pretty quickly, but I am also a teacher and I struggle with pouring my heart and soul into hundreds of students each day, and missing out on being with my own. I can TOTALLY feel you. I think by posting this, it shows you are preparing yourself emotionally. In life, there are seasons, and I think you’re realizing that the season is changing. If I could financially do it, the seasons in my life would change, as well, but for now, we’re making our way with evenings and weekends and vacations, and it’ll work as long as I keep my head up. I applaud you for recognizing those feelings and for really just moving forward so that New Girl AND Joshua have all that they could ever want from you 🙂
“I struggle with pouring my heart and soul into hundreds of students each day, and missing out on being with my own”
YES!! Times a million billion! Yes.
And yet, this is part of the job that I love and would probably miss most. I love helping my students and knowing I’ve made an impact. But at some point, my own kids need that from me, too, and maybe in more ways than my students do. This is totally a change of seasons.
this post literally gave me the chills. SUCH a tough place you are in right now, Miranda. In my heart of hearts i feel like you will never regret spending those early years with your babies. But, obviously i’m probably a bit biased. i hope & pray that you feel peace about what you are meant to do.
Hugs mama!!!
Thanks, Grace. In my Mama Heart, I know I’d never regret this either. I may regret it for an hour, or a day, or a week, but never in the long term. It’s just finding the peace and strength to walk away from part of myself.
It is hard and it is emotional. I knew I wanted to be a stay at home mom. Knew it deep down and waited 5 years to start a family so we could be in a place where that was possible. And 2 years before the birth of dd1, I found a job I loved. I was part of a team in a small family run business. I was challenged and appreciated. And I was doing what I loved. And I rejoiced when we got pregnant. And I cried the day I schlepped my 6 week old in to give my resignation letter. And the woman who owns the company refused my resignation. Refused it.
And it is bloody hard some days. My dd1’s birth coincided with the first anniversary of our miscarriage. I wallowed in survival mode. I didn’t realize and was never treated for PPD, but looking back, it was there. But luckily, I found my way out. The feeling of the sun on my face and the grin on her face as we explored the backyard, the local parks, the zoo. Utter contentment. Those moments are worth every single challenge, every single tear and ounce of frustration.
Are all our days perfect? Not a chance. But every night we lay in bed and she tells me her favorite part of the day. 8/10 times the first thing she names is her sister, quickly followed by something we did that day – a picnic, making the dinner, or some other mundane thing. I am content, and utterly blessed to know that I have no regrets. In a worst case scenario, I can trust that I gave my girls everything I could for whatever time we may have together.
I can honestly say that despite all the things I felt like I missed out on with Joshua, this desire to stay at home has caught me a little off guard. I think I’m just a different person now than I was three years ago. My priorities and focus have shifted.
Heck, I WAS here for everything, and I still couldn’t tell you who did what and when. Maybe I didn’t feel the need to “record” it (be it in my head or in a baby book) because I DID experience it firsthand? Now, I’m much more in tune with just enjoying the things that they do because there have been so many LASTS now. I don’t know when my son became too big to carry, or when they last needed me to put their clothes on, or the last time when I had to rock someone back to sleep. It’s not the firsts that are saddest to miss, it’s the lasts. And NO ONE can catch those.
I guess I should fully realize that in the haze that can be sleep deprivation, it’s likely I won’t remember the first, either!
And now I’m sad about this because of The Lasts.
This is always an interesting topic for me because I was forced into SHAMhood. I know that this is not THAT battle that you are discussing, but after I had my oldest I went right back to work. It never occurred for me to stay home (and what’s interesting is then financially, I could’ve). I just always knew I would work. Two months after I went back to work I was laid off due to a merge in companies and I lost due to seniority. I went from this demanding management position to a SHAM and that was tough. But before I had my oldest I had worked and gone to school part time still trying to finish my bachelor’s degree so we decided that while I was home with the baby fulltime I would finish my degree faster. 3 years and another baby later, I’m almost done. And I can’t wait to get back to work. I feel like that sounds horrible but it’s true. I love my kids and all that, I DO! But also love and loved to work. I have lots of friends who kids go to daycare full-time and they are all just fine, and there’s mine who I’ve been home with since pretty much the beginning and they are fine too. They are clingy though, is that why? Will they be as smart as the kids who go to daycare full-time? I still torture myself with all the questions I’m sure working mother’s torture themselves with, the questions are just different.
No matter what, it will all be okay. Is there a chance you can do a job share? I know some teachers who do that, but they are all elementary teachers which I think you teach high school and I don’t know about that.
I never in a bazillion years would’ve seen me SAH as a thought when I had Joshua. It wasn’t financially possible and even though there were days when it broke my heart, I knew there was just no other way. And even early on in this pregnancy, it wasn’t really possible, so I just kind of shoved it to the side and didn’t think about it. And then things changed and now it’s possible and I’m all “Huh…so now what?”
A job share would be the perfect solution, honestly. But my district doesn’t offer them because they “aren’t cost-effective.” So, it’s all-or-nothing.
This is a very interesting discussion for me as I try to transition into a high school teaching career from academia. I have a 1 year old who goes to daycare full time. If I make the leap in careers I’ll be leaving a very flexible position to one that is much more rigid and that scares the crap out of me. But that’s not my point, my point is that even if you leave your job to SAH, I think you can find ways to use and keep building for your career. Since I’ve been searching and exploring, I’ve come across some contract and part time work. You could tutor, teach SAT or ACT courses, help develop curriculum, help develop online courses in your subject matter, etc. or you could volunteer to help keep that’s creative aspect alive, at your current school or somewhere else.
I guess I’m trying to say its probably not as all or nothing as you think.
If it were just the 8-4 of the “day job” that kept me here, that’d be one thing. It’s the extras that teachers have to do that really suck my time away from my family. I mean, I can rationalize that for two hours that he’s there, he’s sleeping, so that cuts the time we’re apart from 8 hours to 6. (Of course the difference is slightly…uh…different with an infant, but still.)
I have a follow-up post to write because I have looked at ways to keep my certificate current and to keep teaching online or something so that I’m not taking a complete break, but if none of that pans out, it’s kind of a big break.
I say stay at home. It doesn’t have to be permanent…you can always go back to work.
I was working when my son was born. My amazing bosses wanted me to stay, so they offered me three months off and let me come back part-time and from home. Those first few months were a lot like you experienced…I was emotionally whipped and overwhelmed and exhausted – and that was before I even went back to work! I was very lucky…I had family who watched my son at home while I worked at home, and it was STILL HARD. Even with limited hours and a flexible schedule, the balance of working and being a mom was hard to strike. My job was very deadline-driven and I ended up taking a full-time position but working part-time hours. I loved the mental stimulation and contact with other adults…but I also stressed out about things like DS’s schedule (if his schedule was off, it threw my whole day off, and my clients didn’t care if I needed a nap or not…).
So, when DD was born I decided to stay home.
It has been such a great thing. I definitely miss work…but I also feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I don’t stress about nap time or bed time as much as I used to. If I’m tired, I’m tired…but I’m not dropping the ball at work as a result. I don’t feel guilty about doing things for myself because I spend ALL DAY AND NIGHT with the kids (when I was working, I felt guilty about “me time” because I felt like I spent enough time away from DS as it was). I feel more balanced and less stressed out.
That being said..my brain cells might be shriveling up. Some days I am pulling my hair out and just want to cry (I guess having kids will do that). I go a little crazy now and then. I’m trying to write more and treat my blog like my “job” in order to feel connected to the outer world and to keep my brain functioning at an acceptable level.
In our case, staying home was a great choice. I think that if you’re inclined to stay home and have the opportunity to do so, you should at least give it a chance. Besides, wearing sweats all day every day is AWESOME.
I have traveled down a very similiar path and hope sharing my experience will help you. When DS(#1) was born I never wanted to be a SAHM. I loooved my 3 month maternity leave but I was also ready to go back to work. I loved my job (social service), had an understanding supervisor, worked a 10/80 schedule. DH was working 3rd shift so oldest son went to a fantastic home day care for about 10 hours a week. Worked great b/c we had no family and none o our friends had children so he had opportunities for socialization. When I was preggo with #2 my job (same one) had become EXTREMELY stressful-to the point Dr. put me on limited duty. I had pre-term labor & eventually ended up on bedrest. I felt this intense need/desire to SAH. I was shocked be it. I left a well paid job and had to make up the difference somehow. We were living in California and no way could we survive on DH’s income. I did in home child care since I had previously been an early childhood teacher. The isolation was REALLY REALLY hard for me. I had a 2 yr old and an infant. I didn’t know any SAHMs. It was bizarro world. I wasn’t a true SAHM b/c I was running a business but I was trapped at home. About 6 months into it i realized I had made a mistake. It was better for me and my entire family for me to WOH. It took me another 5 months to find a job that would work for me..hours/pay/location. If there is any way you can do a trial run that is what i would suggest. I felt soo strongly about staying home the 2nd time around and never imagined I would grow to hate it…
I always thought I would have to work. My husband & I both worked jobs that required evening hours. I had family that would watch my daughter from 6pm to 9pm when we got off work…that was until they bailed on me the week before my maternity leave ended. I lost my job, didn’t qualify for unemployment and we’d already spent the savings on my maternity leave. It was a tough year.
Two years later, I’m still at home and doing freelance writing and I love it. Don’t get me wrong. We’re still under a mound of debt that will take a long time to dig out of and it sucks. We even had to move because of it. But surprisingly I love staying at home with my daughter & I’ve found a job I love too.
But everyone is different. My cousin who I would have sworn would be the perfect SAHM was stir crazy 6 months in and couldn’t wait to head back to work. I have a friend who felt that staying home with an infant was like being a prisoner of war. Everyone handles it differently.
You can always look at it as taking a year off with your little ones. If it’s not for you then you can plan on going back to teaching the next year, or two years, or ten. Just take it day by day and see where it leads you and don’t forget to enjoy the ride.
I have to say lots of prayer! And I don’t say this lightly or with a overly spiritual/always heavenly thought process either. I went from a 35-40 hour a week job, nursing school, and volunteering to being a stay at home mom of two. My son was 18 months old when we had our daughter and we couldn’t afford the daycare for two. It was just more feasible. I love it now but I didn’t come around to it easily. I was in the throes of PPD and didn’t know it. I missed all the craziness of school and working. I missed who I thought I was. It was hard. But lots of prayer has gotten me to where I am today. A stay at home momma of a five year old and four year old! And I homeschool. I would never turn back. I urge you to spend time in prayer about prepping your heart and emotions for being home all day. It won’t be a super simple transition but you can totally do it. Look for some amazing women to help you through. Women who will support you, listen to you, love on you, and lift you up to God when you need it! I know from experience that if you have the yearning to be at home with you kids God will bless that! He will teach your heart the joy and peace of staying at home! I will be praying for you to make the right decision for you and your little ones!! Either way, you are a great mommy!!
I am having a similar, yet different, struggle. We are seriously considering homeschooling our children, but I can’t let go of the thoughts of, “If I do this for the next 20+ years, I will NEVER be able to go back to work. My degree will be obsolete, and no one will want to hire a 40-something year old who has never even worked anything besides retail.” (I got pregnant in college, took time off, and am just now working again towards finishing my English degree.) I have been a SAHM for 3 years, thanks to a layoff and then inability to find work that would cover daycare costs for multiple children. And honestly? I have never felt “at home” staying at home. I’ve heard that as your kids get older it gets easier, but right now I am struggling.
Thing is, you’ve kind of already answered yourself. It sounds to me that you know you want to do it. I don’t hear much “but actually I want to work” in this at all. I get the impression that you are already preparing yourself for the changes, whether you realize it or not.
So the answer your looking for is…you just do it. You just do.
The way you know it’s the right choice is because you think it’s the right choice. You’ll never fully know — but, if you feel that you should . . . and you’re in a position that you think you can handle it, financially, I think you have to give it a try. Even if it might mean “starting over” at a new school whenever you feel it’s time to head back.
My wife is at home, working on her masters in library science . . . the plan is for her to start, as a school librarian, when our youngest is starting in all-day school (so that she’ll, mostly, be on the same schedule as them). Since, by then, we should be mostly used to dealing with a single income, that money will go, entirely, toward vacation, extra curricular, college, and starbucks.
I wish I had an answer for you, or a way to tell you how to find it. A few people said if you make the right decision, you’ll know it because it feels right, and I might have to respectfully differ. The thing is, you love teaching and you’re damn good at it. I don’t see how you can not miss it. I miss it all the time. But. I am grateful to be home with my daughter. Even when it makes me feel crazy and a little unfulfilled. And some very wise women have tole me lately that if I think I’m in the right place (I do), then I can come to learn that it’s okay to have that hole for a little while, and that I will figure out what fills it. Whether that means that when she’s in school I go back to teaching, as I’ve always intended, or whether I find something else that makes me feel like me.
And if you do decide to go back to work? You are still mama. You are still raising your kids. You are still doing what is right by them. You’re just being a whole person while you be a mom, and in the long run that will be something for which you are all grateful.