Going back

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The day that test came up positive, I formed a bullet list in my mind of the things I wanted to do before the new baby arrived. Things we should’ve done as a family of three and either couldn’t afford or didn’t take time to do. Now that we’re on a short supply of time (and money, if we’re being honest, as the thought of paying for two kids to attend daycare stretches our budget that much more), I feel pressed to get these things done.

Number one on my list was take a vacation with just the three of us. I think I’d only known I was pregnant for about four hours when I sent Dan a message and said “Before this baby comes, we are taking a vacation. The three of us.” And he said, simply, “cool.”

I want to have the memories and the pictures and the video of the three of us (or just Joshua, since I’m not feeling incredibly photogenic these days) somewhere not here.

I don’t know why I crave this so much. Why I feel like I need it.

But because I need this, and because my family needs this, we made reservations to return to the place where I knew things would work out. The place where I knew we’d be a family of three someday. And as much as I’m terrified of traveling with a toddler, especially my toddler who is stubborn and set in his routine, we need this.

I’ve accepted the fact that this pregnancy is happening. Now I’m trying to find the joy in that thought.

So, we’re going back and I’m going to look at the stars in that place that gave me so much comfort three summers ago.

To stare at those stars.

To listen.

To hope.

To know that this is going to be okay.