I meant to write this yesterday and then I got sidetracked updating some stuff around here and by the time I remembered I wanted to write about this it was time to go to bed and not sleep.
Seasoned moms, I need your help.
My child is really into this game of slapping me in the face any time I want him to do something he doesn’t want to do. I get bopped upside the head or smacked in the eyes with this loose-limbed, over-handed maneuver of his and I just want to scream because sometimes this really hurts. And even if it doesn’t hurt, it’s still bad behavior. Where he has learned this, I have no idea. But it’s getting really frustrating and sets my teeth on edge.
Take yesterday, for example.
It was naptime. I grabbed his milk, picked him up, and headed to his room. He says “no…No naptime!” To which I replied, “Yes, naptime. Joshie’s gotta rest!”
To which he raised his little toddler hand and whapped me, knocking my sunglasses off my head. And then he laughed.
Sometimes he laughs when he does this which tells me that he thinks this is a game of some sort. Sometimes, he’s clearly doing this out of frustration as he’ll be crying the whole time.
I grab his arms and hold them away from me, or crossed over his chest, and say “NO. HITTING.” sternly, and he laughs again because mama’s scary face must not be too scary to him. Meanwhile the insides of me are.on.fire. and I feel horns sprouting out of my skull and smoke pouring out of my ears.
I cannot stand to be hit like this. Out of anger, or fear, or in jest.
I cannot stand it.
When he hits me, I have to really check myself because my gut reaction is to hit back with a swat on the bottom or the hand or the leg.
But that makes no sense at all to me.
You cannot teach a child NOT to hit by HITTING. How, in the mind of a 2 year old, is that supposed to make sense?
And I don’t know if I necessarily believe in corporal punishment for my child. I think it’s completely possible to raise a respectable, awesome, non-spoiled, non-bratty kid without hitting him and because of my visceral response to being hit, I want to try to raise my child to be these things without spanking him.
But I’m really to the point where I don’t know what to do.
Is this just a phase? Did your toddler go through it? What did you do?
Help, Mamas.
Update:: Because Dan is a Google genius, he found this post on Breezy Mama that deals with toddler hitting. I’ll try it. You try it. We’ll compare notes. Though I maintain that the phrase “criss-cross applesauce” is the DUMBEST PHRASE EVER. Because applesauce DOESN’T SIT.
Oh gosh, I hope you find someone who can help me because I need the advice too!
My 18 month old does this when he’s very pissed off, usually when I don’t allow him to do something. And like you, it kills me to restrain myself and remain calm. I just want him to stop it.
#toddlerdifficulties
I’m doing half the things in the link my husband found, so I’m going to try ALL of them and see if that helps. 90% of the time, it happens because he’s frustrated. Doesn’t make it suck any less, though.
I hit Mommy, too! We’ll be watching here for some advice…
Check the link I updated with. It seems to be pretty sound advice! Good luck!
My now 2 1/2 year old went through the exact same thing. We set the pack and play up and made that the time out spot because he was to young to sit in the sameplace for any amount of time. Every time he hit we put him there for 1 minute and left the room. We explained to him when we put him in there it was because he had hit and before we took him out we explained the same thing. It took a few days and eventually worked. Although I do have to admit there were a couple of times that I was caught off guard by a toy to the face and I reacted with a spanking. It didn’t seem to phase Jim much. Lol.
Any time I’ve reacted by swatting his diaper, he just hits me again, which tells me he’s phased and thinks it’s okay. 🙁
Yesterday, I put him in his crib and walked away to calm down.
Oh, that’s no fun at all.
Abbey went through a phase like that. She was more of a kicker but slaps would happen, too. She did NOT think it was a game. She only did it when super frustrated, but I don’t think she meant to be hurtful; I think she couldn’t express what she wanted verbally and would physically lash out 🙁
I basically did what you already said (gently restrain, “no, no kicking”)
In certain moods, it helped to hold her on my lap and try to “talk” her through it – “Mommy knows you’re upset, and I’m sorry you feel that way. Kicking hurts, so we don’t kick. Mommy knows you’re frustrated and don’t want to (put on your shoes, take a nap, etc.) but it’s time to (xyz), because (we’re leaving the house, you’re tired, etc.)
Other times, when she was very frustrated, I would calmly say, “Mommy does not want to be kicked. We don’t kick when we’re mad. Mommy isn’t going to argue with you and will be back in a few minutes when you’re calm,” and I would leave the room. NOT to calm her down, necessarily, although sometimes she would. Just because I needed a minute to be sure I was reacting to her the way I wanted and not out of my own frustration. (I’m not a corporal punishment person at all, but there were times I found myself raising my voice or yelling, and that made everything worse.)
And there’s my book on the subject! (Sorry for the long response.)
I had to leave the room yesterday. It calmed him down from the hitting, but not calm enough to go to sleep. So I had to go BACK in and then he just wanted to play. So? He ended up crying himself to sleep after about 5 minutes yesterday for nap. I. HATE. THAT. I was in the kitchen chugging kool-aid and shoving my face full of cookies the whole time.
I’m going to add in the talking to him with him facing away from me when I can’t put him down. (When I can put him down, he goes immediately to the ground.) I hope this ends soon.
New follower, wanted to say hi. I totally understand what you are saying. I am having the same problem here. If it isn’t naptime I usually put my daughter down (if I was holding her) and tell her that she hurt me by hitting me (or whatever she did). The kicking is tough too….Ugh, hopefully they Do grow out of this 🙂
I keep forgetting the put-him-down part. I get so mad I just get focused on putting him straight to bed so I can get over being so cranky.
Thanks for the follow!
Laura went through a pinching face – and it was SO painful. I tried to disengage her tiny pincers from my face as I held her tight and said “Laura hurts mommy when Laura pinches! Ouch! Laura hurts mommy!”
It sounds and feels so stupid to talk completely in the third person like some whack adult version of Elmo, but she started to understand the consequences. The pinching has eased significantly!
Ah! Elmo speak. I’ll add that in.
We do pop on the leg for things sometimes, but NOT for things like this. I pop him on the leg if I need to get his attention quickly because he’s doing something dangerous (i.e., sticking things in a light socket!). We have found that time-out works SO MUCH BETTER for us. I use his crib and take everything out of it (his wubbie and paci) and put him in. I turn on a kitchen timer that I keep in his room. I’m doing two minutes right now. I has been SO helpful for us.
I’m not above swatting him on the leg or diaper if I can’t get his attention, but for this? It makes no sense.
Time-out works for him for things OTHER than this. But this? OMG.
Yesterday I put him in his crib and walked away. We needed the break and I put him in a safe place and took it.
My son, who is about 23 months now, went through this a few months back & it drove me nuts. What worked for us was this: When he’d hit me (or himself, lol), I’d say “No, be nice to momma” and would take his hand and guide him to kind of pet me (sounds silly, but it worked). Then he’d “pet” me for a minute and move on. Distraction also was a huge help. I’d say “Let’s go look out the window” for example. I guess that doesn’t really solve the issue, but it might help until he passes through this phase. Good luck. Hitting is terrible.
I like the idea of displaying petting when he hits. Really like that! Thanks!
I would distract him if it were happening at any other time aside from when I want him to do something he doesn’t wan to do. As it stands right now, he hits when he doesn’t want to nap or bathe. If I distract by doing something else, I think he’ll figure out that hitting is a method of delaying the thing he doesn’t want to do.
Sorry that you are having to go through this! My oldest (who is now 6) never hit or bite, but my 2 year old has been known to bite and scratch her sister (yes, the little beats up the bigger). When this happens I usually talk to her in a stern voice, say No Scratch, etc. and then distract her with something else.
A question: Do you give your little guy warnings that it will soon be time for nap, bedtime, etc? I fine my 2 year old responds so much better when I tell that in 5 minutes we will be taking a nap, etc. I then give her another warning at 2 minutes, etc.
Lastly, have you read “Happiest Toddler on the Block”? It has some quirky ideas but does a good job at describing the different phases (and how to deal with them).
Just remember, this too shall pass!
I haven’t been giving warnings, but it certainly can’t hurt. Well, I mean, maybe I have been giving them, but not regularly. They’re rather sporadic. I’ll work on regularity.
And no, I haven’t read Happiest Toddler, but I loved Happiest Baby, so I should pick it up.
we do lots of “warnings” too. I call them previews.
for everything.
Today already:
“After Super Why we will have breakfast. What do you want?”
“After Sesame Street we will get dressed and go outside.”
“After we play outside daddy will come home and we will eat lunch.”
“After lunch is nap”
“After nap maybe we will go for a walk. Or play more choo choos. What do you think?”
And this is on repeat all dang day.
I used this “warning system” the whole way home from lunch with Dan. I wasn’t hit before naptime, but he also thought naptime was a game until I put him in his crib and walked away.
But? He napped. So boom.
I have no patience for the hitting either. I usually say no hitting and then leave her in her room a few minutes alone. She hates that. It usually works. I’m done with phases, especially phases that involve waking up early.
I am so done with them, too. So. So. Done.
Eddie hits. It used to be WAY worse and I would get terribly embarrassed when he would do it in public.
If we are not at home I take him out of the view of people and hold his arms down and tell him we do not hit. Then I ask him, “do we hit?” and eventually he will say “no”.
At home he goes directly to time out. every time. That gives both of us time to cool off. And when his 2 minutes is up, he comes to me and I ask, “do we hit?” and he will say “no” and then we hug it out.
His hitting has gone down drastically.
Pretty much the only time Evan hits is in public. It’s like he KNOWS he can get away with it because I’m too busy dying of embarrassment to think rationally.
We do the pin-his-arms-down and repeat “no hitting” thing, but it only works about half the time. He is just now old enough to understand that if he behaves that way I will take things away (leave the fun place, take away his toys, no special treat) so that’s the new plan.
I think Joshua’s just now starting to “get” it. But I don’t know how much he “gets.” I know his acting out has to do with him being completely over being wherever we are when this happens in public, so I partly blame myself for his actions.
In public, if Dan is with me, he goes straight to Dan. Straight. If Dan isn’t with us, I hold him to me and pin his arms in place and tell him he can’t hit. And then I’m mortified.
Although Katelyn doesn’t hit (yet!), my job is quite the contact sport. You can ask Dan about the time I ran into him at Publix with my bruised arms. Before he could ask, I felt like I had to defend Clay and promise that he doesn’t beat me. Ha! So I’ve learned a thing or two about shaping behaviors.
It sounds like Joshua hits because he is frustrated, upset, and tired, but he doesn’t have the language to help him out. Joshua can tell you that he doesn’t want to nap, but he can’t try to negotiate with you yet or explain why he doesn’t want to do that. It’s always important to look at the function of the behavior. I’m sure you’ve learned about ABC (antecedent, behavior, consequence) in college.
I’m a huge fan of giving warnings. (I wouldn’t like it if Clay suddenly announced that company was coming over, ya know?) But sometimes this backfires on me and Katelyn starts to tantrum then. Sometimes, it’s even over doing something fun. So, I might say, “We’re leaving for Gymboree in 5 minutes (even though she obviously doesn’t know time, yet) and she’ll throw a fit. But if I ask her to help me find Mommy’s car, it she falls for it every single time. So we use that for bedtime, too. (“Where is Katelyn’s bed?” while acting stupid and looking in the sink) One of my favorites is when Clay goes in her room to start saying prayers. He’ll say, “Dear Elmo!” and Katelyn will go running in there to correct him. Mission accomplished.
So I think if you change the antecedent, you may be able to change the behavior. Then you wouldn’t have to worry about how to react, if you’re able to prevent it from happening in the first place. It’s a tricky one, though! I mean, I don’t know how many different ways you can get him to take a nap! Maybe already have your hands on his arms to block him when you tell him it’s time??
Some people also say to tell him what TO do, instead of what NOT TO do (if that makes sense). But I don’t see what’s wrong with saying, “No hitting”. But you can also tell him to have “nice hands.” And I disagree with the bit about apologizing. I agree that they may not understand it and it may be meaningless, but I still make Katelyn say she is sorry. I think they start to learn they need to communicate after wronging somebody.
To be honest, I have a huge headache right now, so I don’t know if I’m making any sense! But just know that I think you are a wonderful mom and you’ll do the right thing for Joshua. Take everybody’s advice, but find what works for you. Don’t ever take it personally when he hits and walk away if that’s what you need to do.
I know it’s not personal at all. It’s totally because he’s frustrated and he wants to keep playing. He’ll say “No naptime! Joshie play trains!” or whatever he would rather be doing.
I do like the idea of tricking him into going into his room in the first place. A lot. I’m stringing together some very good things here, I think!
And I do make him say he’s sorry when he hits, even if he doesn’t understand it. It’s the same reason we say “No ma’am” to the dog and “no sir” to him sometimes. I want him to understand manners and addressing people and the best way to get him to do that is to model it.
You totally made sense!
Totally checking out that link and coming back to scour your comments. Mason does it too – especially when I’m putting him in the car seat when he doesn’t want to leave or when I’m changing his diaper. And just like your kiddo, if I grab his arm or try angry voice, he laughs his head off, which makes me even angrier. Ugh….
Off to see if there is some magical answer in the comments I haven’t read yet….
So far? I like what I’m reading! I hope this stuff works for you, too!
Oh, I went through this recently with SB, and I totally feel you! It’s awful! I agree with you that hitting in response does not teach them not to hit. I would put SB in a time out immediately, whether we were at home or out and about. I often had to hold her close to me, with her arms pinned so she couldn’t continue hitting me during the time out.
I told her, as calmly as I could, “We do not hit. Ever. You hurt Mommy!” Sometimes, I would pretend to cry. I would also say, “Mommy does not want to be around you when you hit.” And I would leave her by herself.
I agree with what a lot of the commenters are saying about “warnings.” Toddlers don’t transition well. So I always do a running commentary w/SB about what is coming up next. Very similar to the examples Katie shared.
Another thing we found that worked well (for different behaviors, but maybe you could try it for the hitting) was to put a favorite toy or SB’s lovey in time out. SB HATES that, and it works very well to get her attention and stop a behavior.
I’m happy to say it did not last long. We seem to have gotten past this “phase.” Best of luck!
He HATES when Thomas has to go to time out. HATES. When he goes to time-out, Thomas does, too. (Thomas is always in Joshua’s hands.) He really doesn’t like it at all.
I tried the commentary thing today and I totally think it helped him understand that he was going to take a nap when we got home from lunch. I’m keeping that in the arsenal.
Hitting is the worst. I hate that stage. When B swats at me, I grab his wrists, get in his face and say “No hitting! We don’t hit mommy.” Then I tell him that if he does it again, he will get a time out. Then I follow through. If he hits me again, I tell him “No hitting! We don’t hit mommy. You are in time out.”
We have one specific area at home that we use for time out, and I take him there and sit him down and tell him that “You are in time out because you hit mommy.”
If he’s playing rough and starting to ramp up toward hitting, I tell him “no hitting, we need to be gentle.”
We have a time-out spot, too. Lately when I put him in it, he sprawls out in the floor and makes a mockery of the time-out.
Sometimes he looks so silly in his sprawled out toddler glory I have to walk away to keep from laughing at him.
Looks like you’re getting sound advice. I think I would handle it the same as others are saying. Only I would definitely put him down, get to his level (physically not mentally ;P ) and tell him it is not ok to hit that it hurts you. If you have a time out spot use it, if not, crib/play pen works. I never had this issue, thank goodness, but my girls did tend to playfully nip at the breast and I did just what I said, minus the time out and get to their level, I stopped the nursing say no bite it hurts mama. Repeated several times. Then finally, success! You too will have success! (I know the whole breast feeding thing is really not the same as being hit but it’s only example I had)
I put him down when I can, but if I’m in public and I put him down, he’s usually getting what he wants, which is to explore, so I can’t put him down then.
Parenting is HARD.
Right, in a store not a ideal place. Sneaky kids finding loop holes. But now that mine are older I’ve been known to make them serve time out in the bathroom.
It definitely is hard. That’s what makes it so rewarding I think.
we are in this stage with our 15 month old too.
She thinks hitting is hilarious! I do not.
I was a foster parent to kids in crisis for years and this taught me to deal with high risk behaviours without hitting, however, I still feel the urge to spank when my child hits me.
I do not spank.
I feel the same as you, why would I teach no hitting by hitting?
So, at this time I put her hand away from me and say no hitting. I do not engage with her or give her ANY positive attention.
Negative behaviour should never get a positive reaction.
I know at the age she is at it will take awhile to sink in but I will wait.
Try to remember is takes 30 days for a new behaviour/habit to form.
ACK. 30 DAYS. AHHHH!!!
No. Okay. I’m calm. I can do this. I saw a difference today just with the commentary and transition announcements.
Joshua went through this phase when he was about 15 months old, but it was different then. Then it was definitely a game. It was also short lived. But now it’s back and it’s frustrated and angry and I don’t like it. But? I can do this.
We’ve resorted to time outs… a LOT of time outs. His hitting has improved, but it’s hard to say if it’s the time outs (which he hates, by the way.. and yes, you really have to stick with making them stay there for their allotted time, but now my 2 year old just sits there either crying or pouting, which is better than the mock fear and the laughter that follows when I yell at him.) or if it was just a phase that he is outgrowing.
I’m more being assaulted by the 9mo now. He scratches the crap out of my face/stomach/anywhere he can reach. Maybe I should put him in a 45 second time out. hehe Kidding, kidding… Good luck!! I know how frustrating it is!! They don’t call them the Terrible Twos for nothing!
I think it’s time for you to duct tape some oven mitts on the 9mo old’s hands!
KIDDING.
Sort of.
Time-outs work for Joshua because they give him a cool-down period. He needs that since the main reason he lands in time-out in the first place is because he gets too worked up.
My son likes to hit me at nap time and bedtime. Today, I have had enough. Thanks for the post and the link. I have a new game plan.
You’re welcome! I hope you found something that works!
i feel your pain. I was all smug that we got through the ‘terrible twos’ without as much as a tantrum… welllllll…. Solo is now in the yelling/hitting phase (luckily, i guess?, i’m the only one on the receiving end of both of these for some reason :(. Joy! He’ll be 3 next month, and i read the post, and i disagree about the saying sorry part. We do have him say sorry and i do think he understands what it means. The post has other good tips….
I’m not really sure what to do about the yelling. My H seems to think we should just ignore it and he will learn that yelling gets him nowhere. it seems wrong to just ignore those piercing “NOs” though. what do you do about yelling?
Joshua’s not much of a yeller yet. But, I’ll certainly be using the “Mama can’t understand you when you whine/yell/scream” and ignore him. I think your H is onto something with that as long as you tell him WHY you’re ignoring him and then respond with the yelling changes to something more suitable for humans.
I also make Joshua say he’s sorry, or at least instruct him to do so. I think understanding manners starts early.
I’ll definitely check out the link you posted, thanks. My daughter does this sometimes and honestly, I scream. I just scream really loud, instinctively, wordlessly, because it physically hurts but even more, it hurts my feelings. Then I refuse to look at her and pout, and it doesn’t sound like the most mature thing, but she apologizes and tells me not to be sad. So I guess my way is working, but yeah, I would like a more adult approach, hahah.
LOL! I tried the mock crying thing. Joshua’s totally not old enough for empathy yet. He just looked at me like I’d lost my mind and laughed at me. So either he doesn’t get it or he’s a sociopath.
But yeah, sometimes his slaps REALLY hurt. Really. Especially when he gets me in the eye. I do not love that.
Yeahhh, the worst is when she knocks the glasses off my face. =(
My almost 2 year old does this but not out of anger, moreso when he is rough housing and playing with us- he gets excited and hits us in the face. He always pouts after we tell him now. Ugh. Toddlers are just so darn confusing!
They so are.
We’ve definitely had this scenario happen in our household. So far, what seems to work best is for me to say in a firm, louder than usual voice “No! That hurts me and it makes me mad! I need to walk away” and I literally walk away from him for about 45-60 seconds. Sometimes he is a bit stunned, sometimes he cries and follows me. If he follows me, I tell him that I am taking a timeout because I’m mad*. This (hopefully) teaches him that when he is mad he needs to take a breather too and it gives me a minute to regain my composure. After my “timeout”, I tell him that it hurts me and makes me mad when he isn’t gentle with my body and I ask him to show me a gentle touch.
*I realize that some people might disagree with me telling him this and that’s ok. DH and I personally feel it is important that our kids see us mad on occasion (at them, at each other…) and that it is healthy for them to see how we work through our anger.
I totally think it’s okay that kids see how adults deal with emotions, so I’m all for telling him I’m mad when he makes me mad. Otherwise, how do they learn to cope with their own emotions, you know?
And I firmly believe that sometimes toddler time-outs are as much for the parents as they are for the toddler. Except when I give myself one I usually shove cookies in my face out of nerves. Totally not healthy.
I haven’t read ALL of your comments yet, so I’m not sure if someone has said this already, but my two year old is doing this right now too. When we went through this with his older brother, we would put him in time out, for about a minute or two, each time he hit (with a firm “You don’t hit”). Eventually he grew out of it, so it may be just a stage that they all go through?
JDaniel did this for awhile. When the reaction he got wasn’t the one he planned for he stopped. It got lucky that it didn’t last long.
Oh come on, we say criss-cross applesauce in First Grade! 😉
I’ve been saving this post for when I had time to read it. This is our biggest problem and, sorry to say, he’s been doing it FOREVER. We’ve done just about everything in that post and he still hits. I think it’s due to a lot of things – needing attention, me not being present enough for him, having lots of energy and excitement and not knowing where to direct it. He definitely does it at certain times so we’re trying to re-direct as noted in the last part of that post.
But yeah, I get it. This – THIS – is the thing that sets me off. It has been the source of my PPD-fuelled rage for, oh, two years at least (because he used to swat me in the face while nursing, which, though a different sort of hitting, drove me around the bend).
Also…I don’t know how to sit criss-cross applesauce style.
Criss Cross applesauce is such a silly phrase, but catchy, and apparantly more PC than Indian Style like they used to say back in my day.
Anyway – youngest did this from the time she could control her arms with purpose until she could talk in full sentences (she turned 2 in March). I would grab her hands and tell her that we use “gentle hands” and then I would pet her face and show her what gentle hands feel like. At the same time I also told her that we use our words and not our hands. When she finally was armed with words like “Me No Like That” and “Chloe not ready yet” or “Chloe need space.” then she hit less. It’s tough getting there, just like working through the biting phase, or hair pulling (she did all of those). It’ll happen, it’s more developmental for him than it is about parenting on your part. He’ll out grow it and you’ll survive it 🙂