I’m just going to go ahead and warn everyone that I might regret this post tomorrow. I don’t *think* I will? But there’s always that moment where you go “What the hell? Did I write that?” after you’ve consumed three (or four) glasses of wine because your toddler decided to hopscotch on your body during bedtime in an 80 degree house.
Wait, what?
Oh yes.
Deodorant.
I was a diehard Secret deodorant fan from the time I started actually needing to wear deodorant. (Meaning I’d surpassed the “Teen Stick” phase. This was somewhere around the time I had the Rorshach-esque accident.)
Before our little economic crisis, I’d stepped up my deodorant game to the top-of-the-line Secret Clinical deodorant. As it turns out, progesterone, while it will help you sustain a pregnancy, will also cause you to sweat like a wildebeest. And I? Have residual hot flashes nearly three years later from that lovely purple pill.
Secret Clinical also had the pleasant side effect of making my armpit hairs less hairy, but the label didn’t say it was supposed to do that so don’t take my word for it. I could totally have been imagining things. (But I wasn’t. Promise.)
But then I thought “Hey! We’re in a recession! I’m going to be an extreme couponer!” and I ditched brand loyalties for whatever would cost me less. And I only became an extreme couponer as the term applied to pasta, stuffing mix, instant mashed potatoes, and hand soap, because, as it turns out, those are really the only things I was good at getting for cheap or free.
I ditched 14 years’ worth of Secret deodorant for a clearance pack of whatever-it-was because I had a coupon and my armpits have suffered.
Seriously.
They have.
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Because somewhere in the midst of that recession, I also suddenly stopped being able to drop $14 on a 4-pack of blades for my Venus-du-jour. I would say to Dan “Oh, I need to get razors.” Then I would stare at the displays at Target going “No WAY. I canNOT spend that much money on something I am using to shave with!” And I’d pick up whatever happened to be cheap but still a step or two above a good ol’ 2-blade orange Bic. (You know the one, right?) And I would want to cry in pain as I shaved.
Then I started to notice that my armpit hairs were harder to cut. And my armpits were irritated and constantly burning. I couldn’t get clean pits anymore.
The lack of great deodorant and razors in my life has caused me months of agony wherein my armpits make me want to cry when I shave or deodorize them. And I shave and deodorize them every day. (Because EW.)
Sidenote. I remember watching 1984 in my AP Lang class Senior year. People? There is a full-frontal boob shot in that movie. And we were in high school. Know why it was okay that we watched it? Because the same scene that houses the full-boob shot also houses a hairy, European female armpit. And we were too busy going “OMG!BARFSHAVEYOURPIT!OMG” to notice there were BOOBS on the television. True story.
Anyway.
Two? weeks ago, or a week and a half ago, I saw people getting notices that they had earned free Klout Perks for Secret Clinical Waterproof deodorant because Diana Nyad is about to attempt to swim (or has already swum) from Cuba to Florida without a shark cage at age 61 and I was all “PLEASEOHPLEASE Pick me! Pick! ME!” because my armpits needed some relief.
And because I’m awesome (or because I tweet a lot) I got in.
This is almost as good a perk as free wine, people. My four (which is not a year’s supply but I’ll take it) sticks/tubes/whatever arrived today and I used them right after my shower and then I walked around the house going “My GOD my armpits feel better!” And they do. Finally.
My armpits? Are on the way to happy again.
FTC: Klout Perks are something I earned in a way that I don’t entirely understand but which has something to do with the quality and frequency and reach of my online interactions. I cannot pay for my student loans in deodorant, however awesome that may be, and neither Klout nor Proctor and Gamble, owners of Secret, have asked me to blog about their products. I just drank some sauv blanc and got all loose at the fingers. You’re welcome.
You’re not imaging the decrease in pit hair – it’s true! Yay! It’s worth the $ for that reason alone, right? PS: Klout perks? I apparently have been under a rock…..heading there NOW!
I KNEW I wasn’t imagining that! I’m so glad to have good deodorant again.
Well, you certainly make a post about deodorant interesting!!! 😉
For the record, I hate hairy pits but I don’t use deodorant. I’ve never had smelly pits, thank goodness. I’ve got enough to upkeep elsewhere as it is.
But good on you getting the 4 sticks from Klout Perks! I’m not sure how it works but heck, who cares?
It’s a talent really. 🙂
Dan doesn’t smell either. It’s something about being Asian. He can sweat and sweat and sweat and not stink.
I also have no idea how Klout Perks works, but free wine, deodorant, and Subway for me so far!
I also have a love affair with Secret. You are a stronger woman than I for giving it up!
I honest-to-cheez-its don’t know how I did it. I will NEVER do it again.
Mommy has such brand loyalty for some items – and can’t imagine giving them up! So glad you got the perk. And? This post was great – no cause for regrets!
I will never switch again. Ever.
Haha. I’ve never thought to try Secret Clinical, but this post has got me thinking I should try it. So Secret better pay for those student loans… or give you a lifetime supply… or at least make you their spokesperson or something. 🙂
I like the way you think 🙂
Yep. Still jealous. AND realizing we have a lot more in common then we think. I can help you get some cheap razors. Like killer razors for super cheap with my extreme couponing skills. You know, in case you need some 🙂
I tried to do that once, but I couldn’t get Venus razors that cheap. I could get the other, crappy brands, though. And my armpits are the worse for my attempts at being frugal.
Gah. I love this post. Seriously I’m the same way. But I finally broke down and bought decent deodorant and I swear you’re right about the hair thing. And the razors? I hate forking out bucks for them. I guess I should start tweeting more again.
I hate it, too. But my armpits are in need!
Now I love you absolutely and forever. I have an ongoing war with my armpits. They don’t like to be shaved. They don’t cooperate very well. I keep meaning to tweet and beg someone to recommend a good razor because OMG. I don’t use the cheap ones anymore but even the Venus ones don’t like me.
Maybe I need new deodorant. If it works, I’m going to write to Proctor & Gamble and tell them they should give you a lifetime supply.
I like the Venus purples. I have no idea what variety that is, but the Venus Purple is awesome. The soothing gel bars around the razors are amazing.
Also? I swearsies this deodorant is fantastic. You will not regret it.
first? YES! I am a secret user too! And I LOVE the clinical strength…but yes, pricey.
second? WE WATCHED 1984 WITH THE HAIRY PITS TOO! GROSS!!!!!!!
More tipsy blogging please. I like it.
I have decided after two applications of the Clinical Strength stuff that I will pay whatever it costs. I will not go back to what my armpits have been for the past nearly two years.
RE 1984? I vividly recall that entire class and watching that part. Vividly. You know they have just gone to the cameraless room and done the dirty and you are in high school and uncomfortable with knowing this and there is a camera making a slow pan down the length of her arm and your heart is all racing because OMG THEY JUST HAD SEX. And then? BAM. Hairy armpit.
And I am not even tipsy right now.
Oh sweetie. I promise I will tell you next time I get Venus razors for free with my coupons. (Because I am classy, oh so classy. ;))
Speaking of classy, if I don’t put on deodorant before bed, my husband asks why the baby’s head smells like pits in the morning. And I can’t believe I just admitted that.
BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!.
Wait, what?
No laughing.
I need free Venus purples.
Can I just say that I adore you? I am cracking up here, snorting my coffee and proud that I shaved my pits this morning.
And Klout perks? I got nothin’.
I am happy to have made you chuckle this morning!
Hilarious! Thanks for getting all “lose in the fingers” & sharing this gem with us! Totally agree on the Secret Clinical Strength, but still having a hard time throwing down for the GOOD razors. Hooray to ending your armpit depression!
You’re so welcome. And yes, it’s hard to throw down the money, but I think I’m going to have to do it. My armpits will thank me, I’m sure.
You crack me up! I too got the Klout Perk for Secret which is awesome, and I totally love your explanation as to why you received it.
PS..you are awesome!
I’m serious when I say I was totally pumped to receive this perk!
And thank you! You are pretty awesome yourself!
hahahaha awesome.
Totally glad you liked the post about deodorant 🙂
I somehow managed to get in on that klout perk too and I will never go back to anything after using the Secret.
I can’t believe I was ever dumb enough to think that anything could compare!
100% random, but I read this on Sunday and had to do a huge client presentation yesterday and wanted to wear a silk blouse. Worried that my usual ‘pit stick’ might not be up to keeping me dry and fresh enough I bought the Secret Clinical Waterproof.
Totally perfect, my blouse was dry and I was smelling great even after the 1 hour talk. Just found out 5 minutes ago I got the account, so I’m thinking I didn’t stink up the room!!
Thanks!!
Jenn
Okay this? Is awesome. Totally awesome!