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Consider my enthusiasm curbed

This post has nothing to do with the show Curb Your Enthusiasm. I’ve never even seen that show. But, I know a thing or two about enthusiasm. And also the curbing of things. And just curbs. And carbs.

But that’s really not the point I’m trying to make.


I am having trouble mustering up enthusiasm about being back at work so soon. And the lack of enthusiasm is giving me a bad attitude.

And I’ll be the first to admit this before anyone goes around saying “Hey…uh…so what’s up with Miranda and the awful attitude?”

It’s bad. And I know it’s bad. And I’m doing everything I can to NOT have a bad attitude, but today I wasn’t successful in my endeavors.

Mostly it’s bad because when I’m there, my heart is up the street. I’d rather have Joshua driving me completely bananas for an entire day and be able to steal a few sweet cuddles than be left with what I’ve got now, which is neither.

He didn’t want me to put him down this morning, favoring the familiar comfort of my arms to the unfamiliar new routine we started.

I didn’t want to put him down and have to walk away. I didn’t want to let him go.

The daycare owner came into the room and took him from my arms and turned away from me. I didn’t even get the chance to really say goodbye before he was swept away from me and moving toward the rest of the children.

Hot tears streamed down my face as I walked out the front door and toward my car.

I put up a few pictures of him in my classroom and I checked my phone frequently for a text from his teacher to let me know how the morning was going. I imagined him playing on the playground and the red mud I’d find on his shorts. I wondered if he was eating well. If he was being loved on enough. If he was having a good time with his friends.

I wondered if he missed me. If I crossed his little tiny toddler mind.

And then this afternoon, I went in and heard his familiar little voice exclaim, “Mama!” as he ran over to me, his face all lit up. I grabbed him up and we gave kisses and I told him I loved him and missed him.

Then he said “Iwa you, Mama.”

And then my heart broke a little bit.

There is not one single, solitary thing about this that is easy for me right now.

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Thursday 28th of July 2011

i am a mess over all this right now. about leaving eddie and cort for blogher. about eddie changing day cares in a month. about eddie going back to daycare full time.

a crying, incoherent mess.

love you, momma.


Thursday 28th of July 2011

I'm only mildly upset about leaving Dan and Joshua here. I know they'll be fine without me. I'll be a wreck wondering if they have everything they need and how things are going, but I know that they'll be fine.

And I know that he'll be fine at daycare. I know he loves it there and they love him. But sometimes it really sucks to have to leave him every day. To only see him for two or two and a half hours a night. It makes me all cranky at the Universe.


Wednesday 27th of July 2011

Gah! I'm sorry. There really are no right answers. I want to tell you that you are a better mother for doing something you love and are good at -- because I believe it -- but I also know that I am (almost always) grateful to be able to stay at home. So I understand. But we all do what we can do, so maybe there aren't any wrong answers either. I just wish we could cuddle our babies WHILE teaching awesome books to hilarious teenagers who respect and appreciate us. Is that too much to ask?

Also? Your mom makes me teary. Every. Single. Time.


Thursday 28th of July 2011

I think there aren't any wrong answers. And if I could have cuddled Joshua as a baby while trying to teach? I would win awards for preventing teenage pregnancies. Colic will do that.

And my mom makes me cry, too.

Diana @Hormonal Imbalances

Tuesday 26th of July 2011

:( I'm so, so sorry. I can't imagine, but you have my thoughts and prayers with you. <3


Wednesday 27th of July 2011

Thanks, roomie :)


Tuesday 26th of July 2011

Sending love & hugs your way.


Wednesday 27th of July 2011

Thanks for that.


Tuesday 26th of July 2011

I don't have advice or words of wisdom.

But I have hugs. Even if they're the virtual kind. I hope it gets better for you soon.


Wednesday 27th of July 2011

Virtual hugs are totally okay :)

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