This post has nothing to do with the show Curb Your Enthusiasm. I’ve never even seen that show. But, I know a thing or two about enthusiasm. And also the curbing of things. And just curbs. And carbs.
But that’s really not the point I’m trying to make.
People?
I am having trouble mustering up enthusiasm about being back at work so soon. And the lack of enthusiasm is giving me a bad attitude.
And I’ll be the first to admit this before anyone goes around saying “Hey…uh…so what’s up with Miranda and the awful attitude?”
It’s bad. And I know it’s bad. And I’m doing everything I can to NOT have a bad attitude, but today I wasn’t successful in my endeavors.
Mostly it’s bad because when I’m there, my heart is up the street. I’d rather have Joshua driving me completely bananas for an entire day and be able to steal a few sweet cuddles than be left with what I’ve got now, which is neither.
He didn’t want me to put him down this morning, favoring the familiar comfort of my arms to the unfamiliar new routine we started.
I didn’t want to put him down and have to walk away. I didn’t want to let him go.
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The daycare owner came into the room and took him from my arms and turned away from me. I didn’t even get the chance to really say goodbye before he was swept away from me and moving toward the rest of the children.
Hot tears streamed down my face as I walked out the front door and toward my car.
I put up a few pictures of him in my classroom and I checked my phone frequently for a text from his teacher to let me know how the morning was going. I imagined him playing on the playground and the red mud I’d find on his shorts. I wondered if he was eating well. If he was being loved on enough. If he was having a good time with his friends.
I wondered if he missed me. If I crossed his little tiny toddler mind.
And then this afternoon, I went in and heard his familiar little voice exclaim, “Mama!” as he ran over to me, his face all lit up. I grabbed him up and we gave kisses and I told him I loved him and missed him.
Then he said “Iwa you, Mama.”
And then my heart broke a little bit.
There is not one single, solitary thing about this that is easy for me right now.
((((())))
Thanks for the hugs.
Ugh, I feel you. I’ve had those mornings when I cried and cried after leaving my daughter at daycare — particularly the mornings when she had to basically be torn from my arms because she wouldn’t let get of me.
I’m not sure how old Joshua is, but I will say that by the time my daughter was 3 (she’s 3 1/2 now), the drop-off tears were gone and she now runs into school, with barely a look back at us.
And I hate to admit that that’s hard too!
Hang in there. You’ll both get back into the groove again. Until then, let yourself be down about it. Pretending you’re not upset will only make the whole situation worse for you.
It’s hard either way! When he asks for his teacher the whole way to school, I’m happy that he loves her because she loves him, but I’m sad, too.
We’re finding the groove again. Slowly but surely.
Heart breaking for you. xo
Thanks for the support.
Sad.
Sending love your way.
It isn’t easy, but you will find your way through it.
We will. We always do.
I feel like as teachers we have to go through all those emotions of “going back to work” over and over and over. I wonder if it will ever end? Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone in these feelings.
That’s really the part that sucks the most. It’s great to have this time off. It really is. But in those few short weeks, I grow to really love it and I don’t want to let it go.
Remember the reason you wanted to teach, Joshua depends on you for a lifetime, these children depend on you for a year. You are GREAT at your job and your desire to help these children, and if you only help one then you’ve accomplished a great task. Read some of those old notes your students have written you thanking you for what you’ve done for them. I know there are many that are not thankful and are only there because they have to be, but sometimes you get a handful that WANT what you have to offer. You will be fine and Joshie will be fine, and you know he is taken care of where he is. Be thankful for a wonderful daycare and the people that LOVE your son. Life is not easy sometimes, we just have to roll!!! I love you, you have become an amazing woman and I am soooooo proud of you. Keep up the GREAT work that you do.
I know I’m a great teacher. And I know that there are those who appreciate me and what I do. But? That whole “Joshua has me for a lifetime” thing is what gives me the greatest concern. I wonder if he’s getting the best parts of me, you know? And most of the time, I don’t think he is. I feel like he gets my leftovers and that’s not fair to him.
Thanks for supporting me, Mom.
Bless your heart, it will get better.
Little by little, it’s getting there.
I don’t have advice or words of wisdom.
But I have hugs. Even if they’re the virtual kind. I hope it gets better for you soon.
Virtual hugs are totally okay 🙂
Sending love & hugs your way.
Thanks for that.
🙁 I’m so, so sorry. I can’t imagine, but you have my thoughts and prayers with you. <3
Thanks, roomie 🙂
Gah! I’m sorry. There really are no right answers. I want to tell you that you are a better mother for doing something you love and are good at — because I believe it — but I also know that I am (almost always) grateful to be able to stay at home. So I understand. But we all do what we can do, so maybe there aren’t any wrong answers either. I just wish we could cuddle our babies WHILE teaching awesome books to hilarious teenagers who respect and appreciate us. Is that too much to ask?
Also? Your mom makes me teary. Every. Single. Time.
I think there aren’t any wrong answers. And if I could have cuddled Joshua as a baby while trying to teach? I would win awards for preventing teenage pregnancies. Colic will do that.
And my mom makes me cry, too.
i am a mess over all this right now. about leaving eddie and cort for blogher. about eddie changing day cares in a month. about eddie going back to daycare full time.
a crying, incoherent mess.
love you, momma.
I’m only mildly upset about leaving Dan and Joshua here. I know they’ll be fine without me. I’ll be a wreck wondering if they have everything they need and how things are going, but I know that they’ll be fine.
And I know that he’ll be fine at daycare. I know he loves it there and they love him. But sometimes it really sucks to have to leave him every day. To only see him for two or two and a half hours a night. It makes me all cranky at the Universe.