I had a revelation this past week, y’all. One that it took me until this morning to realize, but a revelation nonetheless.
This weekend I made playdate plans with my friend The Brunette Foodie. These plans involved water. And swimsuits. And toddlers. Oh my.
Because I have a nervous child who takes a minute or 15 to warm up to new places/faces/anything, I knew there was no way I was getting out of this without being in the water with him.
It’s been 3 years since I bought a swimsuit. I put mine on this morning thinking “Man, I hate that this thing doesn’t support my boobs. I hope it doesn’t roll up and show my ugly stretch marks. My assets look huge in this and there are probably rolls around my thighs.”
Hate. Ugly. Huge.
But because I knew Joshua would need me today, I put the suit on and threw on a skirt and tank and off we went.
We got to the park and I was both nervous and excited that other moms were in swimsuits.
Nervous because women can be absolutely brutal to one another due to our own insecurities.
Excited because their being in swimsuits meant I wasn’t the only one there over the age of 10 in a swimsuit.
I got there and stripped off the skirt and tank in the quietest corner I could find. Trying to hide. Self-conscious.
I kept thinking about my flaws.
The last time I was in a water park I was 12. When I tap into that memory, I can still see the suit I was wearing. Navy. Macrame’ over spandex.
I can hear the friend I was with say “Let’s walk! Running makes us jiggle!”
I can still FEEL the way I felt that day.
Not thin enough.
Not pretty enough.
Exposed.
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On display.
Open to criticism and scrutiny.
I’m a ridiculously open person in real life. I will discuss any number of potentially embarrassing things with you. I don’t save my oversharing for the anonymity of the internet.
But there is something about opening myself up to being physically critiqued that makes me want to throw on a muumuu and hide in a corner.
I felt that today.
And then I watched Joshua’s fear of the new melt a little bit. He reached for the water. After touching it with his toddler hands, he reached back for me immediately, looking to me for security.
And then he decided this was okay. This was good.
He got down and decided to stick his feet in the spray. To splash. To squeal with delight. To live.
I saw Joshua’s face and none of the rest of it mattered. I was a mom playing with her kid. I was doing some soul-filling.
We had fun today. We laughed today. We splashed. And when he slipped and fell he came to me to snuggle away the hurt. And I did.
In watching him watch me for his cues, in knowing that I am his comfort, in seeing my smile and laugh reflected in his, I found some beauty. Some inner-strength.
I found some peace and contentment with this body of mine. This body that made me a mom.
Y’all, this picture? Isn’t the picture of ugly. Or hate. Or huge.
This is a picture of happy.
This post has me a lil teary {could be all the hormones, but I think its you}. Yay for super fun water park time without the female body worries getting in the way. By the way, I think you look awesome!
I’m so, so glad we had fun. I want to go back every single day!
And thanks.
ahh! i love this post! you both look beautiful. Beautifully content together.
We were, Grace. We were so content together today. Happy sighs!
First off – that video is too cute. I especially love the look he gives the camera right at the end. Almost a “Did you see what I just did” face.
Second – that picture with you and Joshua – priceless. It’s beautiful. It shows how happy you are at that moment. And that’s what counts. I have the exact same insecurities when I take Kara to our neighborhood pool. “What if it’s only young people? Those skinny girls in bikinis and boyfriends? My butt definitely does not look that good, nor does my muffin top, nor do my arms. They’re going to be whispering about me the whole time I’m here. I hope I can get in the water before they see me.”
And then?
I get in the water, and hear my daughter squeal in delight. She LOVES the water. She splashes it in her face – and mine. She kicks those little, pudgy legs. She flails those little pudgy arms. She doesn’t care what she looks like in her bathing suit (yeah, i know, she’s only 9 months, but you get my drift) so why should I? She is having the time of her life (Or atleast of her day) and I am a big part of that.
So what next? I PROUDLY walk myself up and out of that pool. Who cares if my body doesn’t look like an 18 yr old high schooler. I’m happy that it doesn’t. I have the body of a 29 year old mother. And nothing makes me more proud than seeing my daughter happy.
So to all you skinny 18 year olds at the pool whispering about me?
Eat your heart out 🙂
I loved the video too much not to share it!
Lara, you are SO RIGHT. That’s exactly it! He doesn’t care. And why, WHY do I care what other people think of ME when I am actually quite happy with myself??
I’m working on being okay with being me so that he will know that it’s always okay to be him.
I love everything about this post. And not that it MATTERS to your happiness, but I think your look GREAT in that last picture.
Thank you, Suzanne. I’m all teary eyed right now.
Honey…if I looked HALF as good as you do in a bathing suit, I’d be singing praises to a sweet baby Jesus! You look awesome!
Thank you, Erin!
Ok, I cried. But thank you for this. And seriously…look great.
Ok, I cried. But thank you for this. And seriously…you do look great.
Oh Michelle, no need for tears. NONE. And thank you!
I think you look fabulous.
I have a lot of the same insecurities about being in a swimsuit in public which we do at my friends houses. I am so concerned about what they will think of me, but then I remember they invited me and if they didn’t want to see it then they could have chose not to invite me and honestly as a mom once I get into playing with my kids I don’t care because I am too busy to care.
Thank you for the compliment.
And you’re right. If people care what I look like in a swimsuit that’s their issue. Joshua doesn’t care at all, and he’s what matters.
Those insecurities really get the best of us. I’m struggling with the same things. But aside from your thoughts, I think you look fabulous! And look how happy you are 🙂
I’m working on changing my thoughts. It’ll be a slow process, but I’ll get there!
I really needed to read this Miranda. The past week I’ve been feeling so insecure about my body. Ugly. Hate. Fat. Exactly. And reading this, watching your video (OMG so cute!), and looking at your beautiful picture? You just brought me back to a good place.
Thank you.
You’re welcome.
And that video warms my heart!
I think you both are rockin’ the swimsuits quite nicely! 😉
Don’t you just love how we match? LOL!
You rock mah socks. Look at you beautiful.
Aw, thanks, Kim.
THIS!!! SO true. How much time do we waste being insecure and unhappy about something we can’t change in the moment? But what we CAN change in the moment is how we feel about ourselves and how much we can enjoy the moment we’re in. Good for you!!!
EXACTLY. I can’t make myself lose 30 lbs instantly. But I can go “You know? Stop fretting and HAVE SOME FUN!” and then do that instead.
Yay! I LOVE this post! Good for you!!!!
Thank you!
Water is absolute bouyant and so are these pictures and this video. I love the pleasure we find in the purest of moments. You look lovely and healthy and maternal and in love!
There was something about being in that splash park that made my soul buoyant. The water definitely had some healing properties for me.
you’re beautiful…and awesome.
Thanks, Tiffany. Thanks a million.
YAY for y’all! That video of Josh is GREAT! The pic of y’all…AWESOME!
I hated shopping for my swim suit this summer. Why? I knew I gained little weight and hated the fact I knew it was going to be a bikini for me. Then, once we got to the water park (our first summer water outing) I was like, What the heck am I all uptight about? I’ve had 3 kids. I’m 33. I still look pretty good.
Exactly. I mean, I’ve NEVER looked fantastic in a bathing suit. Ever. So WHY do I think that NOW will be the magic moment? It’s way more about me being comfortable in my own skin and less about my skin being comfortable in a bathing suit.
Oh I LOVE this! I was inspired this summer by The Curvy Girls Guide and their Lands End campaign. So much so that i bought a Lands End bathing suit and I am DETERMINED to feel comfortable enough in it to post on my blog.
I started by swimming in the kiddie pool in it yesterday.
That suit I’m wearing? Is a Land’s End suit I bought 3 years ago. I want to replace the top but their suits are FANTASTIC for making me feel attractive but never hoochy. I can MOVE in them and chase a toddler and not feel like a weirdo.
And baby steps, friend. Baby steps.
M, you are so beautiful. You fit your body perfectly, even if you wish it were different. I never look at a picture of you and see anything but a person that exudes happiness and love.
And also, you posted a pic of you in your swimsuit. Which I would never do. So there you go. Beauty.