I’m just going to go ahead and apologize for what is going to seem very stream of consciousness up in here. But y’all? My head and heart are all swimming with words that I cannot pour out onto this screen for one reason or another.
If I talk about the fact that my ovaries are like a super-max prison? I risk getting tons of unsolicited advice, including but not limited to “just relax.” And tears. There’s always the risk of those.
And yet I feel like I HAVE to talk about how my doctor’s office made me CRAZY on Tuesday when I showed up and the doctor I was supposed to see was called to a delivery so the doctor I was left with was the one who, in my opinion, mismanaged my labor with Joshua which caused me to end up with a c-section. I’m not her biggest fan. She left me prepared and waiting to have my Space invaded for nearly an hour.And she had no idea what the other doctor and I had discussed regarding the fact that my ovaries do not like to give up the goods.
I want to leave. But I feel like I can’t because of the convenience of this practice to the community I’ve made my home.
If I talk about work and how I have to drag myself there every day? I could get Dooced.
But I feel like there’s a very unhealthy culture of bad morale there that has me wondering if I can stick it out for another 25 years. With the status quo? That answer is no. And that makes me sad because I love teaching and I love my students and if those two things were ALL I had to worry about? This wouldn’t be an issue.
And the issues that are there NEED to be talked about. Discussed. But beyond just discussing? Listening needs to happen. Change needs to happen.
If I talk about the e-ssues I want to talk about, like how I feel unpopular and small-fish-ish? I could ostracize myself from the blogging world for seeming whiny and ungrateful or like a complainer.
And yet I feel like I’m in no-man’s-land sometimes where I can’t decide where to go from here. I can’t decide what comes next. I can’t decide what’s worthy of my energy and time here on this blog. I can’t decide whose side I’m on and who’s on mine.
I can’t decide if I should take opportunities that could potentially grow my readership or just be satisfied that I’ve got any readers at all and be done with it. And I do love my readers. Fiercely. And enormously much.
I can’t decide if I’m being judged for the decisions I make here and if that judgment is negative and if I care.
Who am I kidding? Yes, I care if I’m being judged negatively. I do. And that also makes me sad because I love blogging but do not love the idea that I might be judged for what I do here.
::deep, heavy, giant, breathy sigh::
When I get like this? Where I NEED to say SOMETHING and feel like I can’t? I get in a very bad place emotionally.
And right now there’s so much I need to say and can’t. So emotionally? I’m just not doing well.
I feel like I’m tripping all over myself. Constantly doing or saying the wrong thing. Questioning my every move and word and action and thought. Wondering if people can see my uncertainty. Wondering if they can feel it radiating from within me. Wondering if that leaves me easy prey for the vultures.
Don’t eat me, mmkay?
First, the doctor shit? Hell no! Over an hour, never mind all the other stuff? Totally unacceptable. That stuff makes me SO mad.
Work. Ditto. (No more or dooced.)
As for the bloggy stuff, what’s going on? Most of us are small fish. And you are a much bigger fish than I. You seem so genuinely you on this blog. I come here knowing you will be talking with me, and that’s what I look for. That and your honesty and your support and your humour and the awesome pic of you in sunglasses.
I don’t see uncertainty at all. But we all have it. And it’s okay to admit to it.
What do you want to get out of this blog? Email me – I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours 😉
The doctor shit is stressful. Totally. Having that c-section has RUINED me on doctors and the entire medical field. Ruined, I tell you.
Work. Tritto. Doocing is bad.
I am myself on this blog. I’m genuine. I’m real. I’m honest. But sometimes I just have this great existential blogging moment of Why Do I Do What I Do? So that’s the uncertainty.
Your post was such a breath of fresh air – I felt like I could’ve written it myself. I totally get how you feel when you try and try and try and dammit at some point there’s just no try left.
Thanks for this. Sometimes I think we have to word vom before we ACTUALLY vom, you know?
So I did.
And yes…the try I have left is dwindling.
oh honey. hugs to you. I’m glad you got it out. This is your place and I’m sorry you’re going through all the crap! xoxo
And no judging here 🙂 I <3 you!
Um, shouldn’t you be having a baby?? (Dear Allie, Come to the outside. We have cookies here. Love, Miranda)
Anyway 🙂
Thanks. I needed to purge. And I started the purge. So now, I just see where this takes me.
I just found your blog this week…and while I don’t know a lot about what you have gone through, I love reading your posts. I love your honesty and realness. I am so SO tired of Mom’s all pretending the world is 100% sunshine & roses, especially those of us dealing with PPD. It is nice to know there are others the same as me.
And also? My doctor ruined me too. I was prepared for a c-section if necessary (I was a high risk pregnancy), but the way it all happened? I will never, ever have another child because of it. I am still bitter (to an extent) about it, and I feel cheated.
Thank you for what you do!!! <3
My world? Not full of sunshine. And roses? I kill them dead with my black thumb.
I never expected to have this much anxiety about doctors. And here it is. Making me all cranky and unsure. I, like you, feel cheated, and I’ve said as much around here before. I feel completely cheated that I didn’t have the delivery I wanted. That my care was mismanaged by the doctor on call that weekend and instead of being attentive and trying to help she just stayed home until a nurse called her because I was nearing 24 hours.
Thank you for reading.
Oh Miranda. I love your words. All of them, even/especially the word vom. And if you do get cool and popular (wait, you aren’t already?), I’ll still love them. You do what you want for you for a change. And if you don’t know what that is? That’s ok too. Take your time.
As for work, I wish I could help. :-/ Can I kick some board of ed buttinski or write your congressman or something? I know you can’t write about it here, but if there’s anything real I can do, or if you want to vent, you can email me. I’ve been there.
You have helped me so much, let me know if there’s any way I can help you.
you know I got you here. It’s EXTREMELY hard for me to not talk work on my blog. I am so disenchanted right now with the whole system. To the point that I am not even going to meetings to get myself informed on what is going on. I am just accepting what happens to me.
and watching two more students get OOPS pregnant this week made me want to throw things.
and the daycare thing.
and the basement.
and the piles. again this year.
I wish we could just go out together and get a drink. or coffee. or nothing but sitting around letting the word vom evacuate.
sigh.
love you, ebestie.
I know you and I talked about all of these subjects last night on IM. But I wanted you to know that I understand. Totally understand. And even if I don’t have words of advice or wisdom…hopefully that’s enough! 🙂
I feel ya. Here are some e-hugz until I can give you real ones ((((hugz))))
(((HUGS)))
That doctor crap is not right at all! Goodness knows you wait long enough in waiting rooms, then to have to sit that long in actual exam room…UGH!
As for the bloggy thing, this is your space. Your space to put what you want out there. I say post what you want/feel/need and to heck w/those who don’t understand or want to get all judgey on ya.
(((More Hugs)))
I absolutely hate it when people say “just relax”
ttc for 6 yrs