Word Vom

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I’m just going to go ahead and apologize for what is going to seem very stream of consciousness up in here. But y’all? My head and heart are all swimming with words that I cannot pour out onto this screen for one reason or another.

If I talk about the fact that my ovaries are like a super-max prison? I risk getting tons of unsolicited advice, including but not limited to “just relax.” And tears. There’s always the risk of those.

And yet I feel like I HAVE to talk about how my doctor’s office made me CRAZY on Tuesday when I showed up and the doctor I was supposed to see was called to a delivery so the doctor I was left with was the one who, in my opinion, mismanaged my labor with Joshua which caused me to end up with a c-section. I’m not her biggest fan.  She left me prepared and waiting to have my Space invaded for nearly an hour.And she had no idea what the other doctor and I had discussed regarding the fact that my ovaries do not like to give up the goods.

I want to leave. But I feel like I can’t because of the convenience of this practice to the community I’ve made my home.

If I talk about work and how I have to drag myself there every day? I could get Dooced.

But I feel like there’s a very unhealthy culture of bad morale there that has me wondering if I can stick it out for another 25 years. With the status quo? That answer is no. And that makes me sad because I love teaching and I love my students and if those two things were ALL I had to worry about? This wouldn’t be an issue.

And the issues that are there NEED to be talked about. Discussed. But beyond just discussing? Listening needs to happen. Change needs to happen.

If I talk about the e-ssues I want to talk about, like how I feel unpopular and small-fish-ish? I could ostracize myself from the blogging world for seeming whiny and ungrateful or like a complainer.

And yet I feel like I’m in no-man’s-land sometimes where I can’t decide where to go from here. I can’t decide what comes next. I can’t decide what’s worthy of my energy and time here on this blog. I can’t decide whose side I’m on and who’s on mine.

I can’t decide if I should take opportunities that could potentially grow my readership or just be satisfied that I’ve got any readers at all and be done with it. And I do love my readers. Fiercely. And enormously much.

I can’t decide if I’m being judged for the decisions I make here and if that judgment is negative and if I care.

Who am I kidding? Yes, I care if I’m being judged negatively. I do. And that also makes me sad because I love blogging but do not love the idea that I might be judged for what I do here.

::deep, heavy, giant, breathy sigh::

When I get like this? Where I NEED to say SOMETHING and feel like I can’t? I get in a very bad place emotionally.

And right now there’s so much I need to say and can’t. So emotionally? I’m just not doing well.

I feel like I’m tripping all over myself. Constantly doing or saying the wrong thing. Questioning my every move and word and action and thought. Wondering if people can see my uncertainty. Wondering if they can feel it radiating from within me. Wondering if that leaves me easy prey for the vultures.

Don’t eat me, mmkay?