Oh, hello! You’re back for the MHMRWNSJM? Yay! Thank you!
Today’s post comes from Yael Saar of the blog PPD to Joy. This post, in the words of the one and only, dearest Kim, rocks mah socks.
I can’t lie. I had a revelation when I read it in my inbox. I hadn’t even gotten to the end of it before I had to email her and go “OH MY GOD THIS IS THE MISSING LINK TO ALL THE SUCK OF THE FIRST TWO YEARS.” Or something very much like that.
People, this is good stuff here. Good stuff.
Yael’s mission, in her own words, is :
to remove guilt and shame from the parenting experience. I want to show struggling mothers that what seems like a dead-end cave is actually a tunnel, one that can be crossed safely with the support of a loving community throughout the journey.
That kind of sounds like the purpose of this rally, right? Which makes her a perfect fit.
Yael’s story is touching and heartbreaking and was designed with a greater purpose. I hope you’ll take the time to get to know her a little more after reading her words.
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You’d be amazed how many educated and successful career women are clobbered by motherhood.
Before we had kids, we had lives.
We had jobs, projections, trajectories.
We wrote papers, reports, campaigns.
We were good at things.
We looked great in our work clothes.
People reported to us. Grown-ups depended on us doing things right.
But those people could take care of themselves, so if we dropped a ball (not that we ever did…), nobody would’ve starved.
Then we got pregnant.
Then we had little people depending on us for their LIVES!
Now we spend our days in sweaty clothes, worrying about putting food into them and cleaning up their poop.
And to add insult to injury, the skills that allowed us to climb ladders, run races, get tenure, or break through glass ceilings, are almost useless in life post-bundle-of-joy.
You can do all the research in the world and not find a way to make your colicky baby stop crying.
You can’t negotiate your way through a sleepless night.
You can’t always find a creative solution for constipation (or its opposite).
You can bring a child to water, but you can’t MAKE him drink no matter how dehydrated he is, and you can’t fire him if he doesn’t.
And that glass ceiling might be easier to break than the resolve of an angry toddler.
We are so busted.
Our entire lives we honed our natural talents, aimed to become experts: we tried things, we dropped the ones that didn’t go so well (chemistry, singing, tennis). We pursued and tried to perfect the ones we were naturally good at (design, writing, yoga). Since we never stayed very long where our talents didn’t work, we have no emotional skills to handle the state of being not (yet) good.
So no wonder highly educated career women have a hard time postpartum. We were forcefully evicted from our loft on “I’m-so-good-at-this-avenue” and our new dwelling is a tent at “what-the-fig-alley,” and it’s pouring rain.
Then there is the staggering difference between expectations and reality.
Sure, the good moments of motherhood are the best thing ever, but what we expect while we’re expecting is ridiculously different from what we actually get. (I just hate that book!)
It’s sort of like singing up for ballet because you think you’ll be graceful, and you like tutus and stages. But when you realize that those pointy shoes hurt like hell and you move like a hippo with stage fright, it’s too late to quit. You are doomed to spend the rest of you life in a tutu that doesn’t fit while everybody is watching.
So we struggle. Of course we do.
When everything we are used to relying on fails us, our identities go through an earthquake. So our self esteem-plummets while our hormones go berserk.
Postpartum depression and anxiety are perfectly natural reactions.
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Think about it, how could anybody go through an identity earthquake, a hormonal storm, while sleep, rest, and privacy are taken out of the equation, with her mental health intact?
So we break down. And we think it’s our fault. But it isn’t.
This breakdown is not failure.
There’s an opportunity in the breakdown.
The breakdown of everything that worked so far forces us to learn new skills.
Healing depression requires we stop relying only on skills for success, and acquire some skills for happiness.
Skills like separating our self-worth from our outer achievements. Equating those isn’t exactly healthy in the career world, but mama, if our self-worth is all tied up with our success at getting a kid to gain weight, or sleep through the night, then God help us all. Also vital?
Being patient and compassionate with our beginner selves instead of being angry at ourselves for not being experts.
One of the unexpected gifts I got from postpartum depression was developing an ability to cling to hope and find humor while being terrible at something.
Just today (by the time this is published it will be two days ago) I started learning karate. We wanted our 7 year old to learn a martial art, and there’s a place in town where the parents can practice with their kids in a mixed-age class. Well, what do you know, not only did my son do a whole lot better than I did, the boy who (literally) kicked my behind can’t wait for his birthday party next week. He will be turning three! It was too cute, really, but yes, my ego did bristle. Then the part of me that appreciates the value in the beginner’s mind kicked in. I laughed through my first karate class, and it was not the laugh of embarrassment, I was simply having fun, and I can’t wait to go back. I doubt I could have enjoyed being the worst person in class before learning my lessons from depression.
Healing my depression meant learning these skills for happiness:
- Disarming guilt.
- Learning self-care and kinder self-talk.
- Focusing on meeting needs instead of expectations.
- Letting go of perfection and striving for very-good-enough-ness.
And the most important skill in my book?
- Shifting away from trying to control my children and my husband (away from demanding obedience), to learning non-violent communication skills that foster respectful and loving cooperation .
If you are not familiar with this last skill, you might doubt it, but it works. It WORKS! And this one really required practicing my beginner’s mind and staying where I didn’t do well right away. When life with my first toddler was turning to one big fight, my husband and I started learning these new skills. We weren’t very good so we practiced as if our lives depended on it, until we got better. Not perfect, but very good enough. The amount of fighting in my household is so small compared to what it used to be, it’s like a miracle, except it was because of acquired skills, not magic wands.
Now these skills for happiness are far dearer to me than my old skills for success.
And the beauty of it is that when I’m ready to have a career again, my new skills for happiness will be utterly useful there too.
So if you are struggling postpartum and hating yourself for it, try to believe me when I say:
This is not your fault.
You are not to blame.
Your depression hurts like hell, but it is not all bad.
You can learn from it.
You will.
And what you’ll learn will make you a better mother, a better person.
And when your joy comes from the inside, that’s the true definition of success.
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Yael Saar adores her two boys but often wishes they slept longer so she could spend more time writing about this stuff and tweeting with the rest of the #ppdchat mamas. She is new to the social media thing, so she still gets really excited when people follow her on Twitter (@yaelsaar) or “Like” her facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/ppdtojoy. If you want to really make her day, post a comment on her blog and she will comment right back.
Yael leads the PPD to Joy support group in Ithaca, NY, and hosts the free PPD SpeakEasy support phone chat. She also writes the PPD Love Letter for mothers, a free monthly dose of skills for happiness, all about getting better at loving ourselves through our postpartum ups and downs. You can sign up for the PPD Love Letter and the PPD SpeakEasy at PPD to Joy.
Yay! this is my first guest post ever, and I am so honored to be a part of this rally!
Thank you so much for including me.
And I want to give credit to Toni, the sweet #ppdchat mama we know as @ozcanbrynes, for mentioning in the last PPD SpeakEasy call that her therapist says that educated career women are at a higher risk for PPD. That got me thinking, which got me writing, which got me here. Thank you Toni!
I so totally meant to include that in my intro. And then I got all “YES THIS IS IT!” and forgot. 🙁
I’m so glad to have had you here today, Yael! Thank you for sharing!
Honey, I get that, don’t feel bad, ok? It’s so easy to miss things with the online publishing thing, I keep having to redo things all the time. I figured I could ask you to add this, and than decided to add this in the comments and save you a step. Thank you again, I can’t wait to hug you.
Well thank you Yael. Both for the mention but more so for putting this thought into such a wonderful post that explains it far better than I ever could. And thanks to my therapist too. It certainly was an aha moment for me.
Toni,
I love how you think.
and feel honored that you liked this post.
hugs.
Wow. I really don’t have any other words for this post! This is fantastic! Thank you so much for sharing this!
Isn’t it AWESOME?
Seriously.
When I read it and realized that the thing that makes this difficult is that I can’t quit it when I’m not good at it because, DUH, a kid needs me? Gobsmacked.
I can quit a hobby I don’t like. I can quit a sport I’m not good at. I can find a new job if I don’t like my current one (which I do). But I can’t quit mothering my child, even when I have no idea what the hell I’m doing.
FABULOUS.
Nicci, thank you so much! I’m so glad this touched you. nice to “meet you”!
So nice to read. It does get difficult at times, but not impossible.
“So no wonder highly educated career women have a hard time postpartum. We were forcefully evicted from our loft on “I’m-so-good-at-this-avenue” and our new dwelling is a tent at “what-the-fig-alley,” and it’s pouring rain.”….perfectly said. I spent 26 years working toward my career, and I had it down pat, then all “normalcy” got changed. But it’s okay. I can figure out a new normal.
That’s exactly it, Lara! We figure out a new normal.
And seriously, it took us how long to become professionals in our field? And why did we think we’d instantly be great at raising a human?
Eureka!
Lara, I’m so glad this resonated with you. I like your idea of a new normal. when everything shifts, this is exactly what we need to do.
I am with Miranda on this….YES!
This describes me PERFECTLY. I stuff RIGHT the first time around. But not motherhood. At least nothing FELT right.
Stupid PPD.
See? Nothing felt right, but you know? When I was learning to be a teacher, it was natural. When I was learning to drive a stick? It was NOT natural. So I quit. I can’t quit being a mother just because this is difficult. So if I don’t get it right the first time around? I just have to keep trying not to stall out on a hill.
Katie,
Yes, so hard to be in the practice, practice, practice place instead of getting it right the first time. totally with you on that. but the end result is worth it. hugs to you.
I love Yael, really and truly with all my heart.
My therapist mentioned this to me back at our first visit too, and it does make sense to me. I totally understand the theory behind this, but for some reason I still struggle. Other moms can do it, so why can’t I?
But the tent at “what-the-fig alley” in the pouring rain has got to be about the best damn description I have ever read in my whole life. That’s exactly what this is.
You know? I think it’s not as easy for them as they’d have us believe. I think some people are just better at faking it than others.
Robin my dear, love back at you. I’m so glad to know you, and thrilled that these descriptions hit the spot. Hopefully it also helps relive guilt and disappointment. hugs.
This is amazing. I don’t really have words to match how much I loved this post, so I will just leave it at that. Thank you BOTH for sharing!
That’s pretty much how I felt, too. It was very “AHA!” for me.
Branson,
I’m so glad you feel that way. thrilled, really.
I just visited your blog for the first time, LOVE!
are you on twitter?
it’s so nice to meet you!
Yep! @bransonlee… I am following you now! 🙂
following you back. sweet!
This makes so much sense! Thank you for posting! Explains why I went RUNNING back to corporate America. Hubby does a great job at home with the kids, but weoftennjoke that we have the same job, except he gets to spank & give timeouts. LOL. 🙂
It totally makes sense. I feel like I’ve been enlightened or something!
wow, thank you for that! Enlightened? wow, feeling honored and humbled. I could hag you so hard i’d lift you off the floor.
Yay for a hubby that does a great job at home with the kids. It sounds like both of you have found the roll that suits you best. that’s so great.
This is an interesting read. Although I’ve never suffered from ppd (just the “blues”), this must be very beneficial to those who have. So, thanks for posting & sharing!
In terms of just “being a mom”, certainly there are times when it is a struggle. I like to keep in mind that my glory days are over, for the interim anyway, and stay as self-less as possible. It always works out better for everyone in the end. Unbelievably, it feels even better than trying to keep my “identity” as a human being. I’ve re-defined my identity, and that is everything I used to be plus a giant MOM preceeding it all.
We have to unite & support eachother, that is the best therapy anyone can give. I also remind myself what my mother gave up for me, & that makes everything a lot easier.
I look forward to reading in the future…I have subscribed & am following you on twitter & fb. I’m pretty new to the blogging world, just getting my feet wet. Thanks so much!
Leandra
http://thewhimsicalsweet.com
Hi Leandra!
Thank you for stopping by today for this rally. The great thing about this post is that it’s not exclusive to PPD mamas. Any mother who has ever struggled with this and wonders why she’s having a hard time with that phase/day/experience can relate to this.
It’s NEW. And when we try new things, we give ourselves the benefit of the doubt when we find we’re not so great at it. But not when it comes to motherhood. Weird.
This post is really insightful. I understand now things that I did not fully comprehend beforehand, I’m Yael’s husband and at the moment I’m away at a conference. It is fascinating for me to read Yael’s writing (the thing she does at night on the computer when I’m working, or asleep, or away) and the reactions that it evokes.
Love,
Gideon
Thank you for supporting her. It means the world to those she’s helping.
Yes it is………
Ur support and loving apritiation is the feul for Yaels JOY-FUL-NES
Good luck happy heallth
Zikzuk
Yael, you are a rockstar for putting into words exactly how it feels, the dynamic shift of life, the emotional struggle and joy. This is a wonderful post. Hugs.
Isn’t it awesome? I love this post.
Cristi, so sorry for the late response, but I wanted to make sure you know that your comment means a lot to me. hugs back at you.
this is BRILLIANT! I can’t even start to quote everything I loved. I loved it all. Thank you for your heartfelt words!
That’s how I felt, too, Grace! Exactly! I was all “REVELATION! I HAZ IT!” when I read it in my inbox!
ps, i’m sending my readers here. FYI. 🙂
Why, thanks, love!
I love Yael.
The best line is “Learn from it”…isn’t it so true that we stop and think about what we are, what we can do, what is the MOST IMPORTANT THING in our lives…and recognizing to just stop and live in every moment.
Beautiful post Yael. Xoxo
I love her, too. And yes, learning from it. Learning to LIVE it. Phenomenal advice.
I want to chime in with some love for this post. The idea of having to stick with something that doesn’t come naturally is definitely one that resonates with me. Thank you both for this. Forget Disney, the MHMRWNSJM is def the happiest place on Earth.
Wow, Everybody, i’m floored by your reactions, you guys are so amazing!
I’m both honed and humbled for having struck so many chords.
Miranda, Thank you so much for replying for every comment. My screen time is really limited, these days, I will try to reply to each one but it will take a few days. So thank you all, hugs all around.
Love. Love Love.
You rock MAH SOCKS