My So-Called {Medicated} Life

How many times has this girl guest posted here for me? About a million. Or five. Or every time I’ve ever asked for guest bloggers.

She’s the long lost twin sister I never had.

Please welcome Katie from Sluiter Nation to the MHMRWNSJM!

(I *SO* said I was going to use that. You didn’t believe me??)

Katie and I got real and vocal about our battles with PPD/A at about the same time last year and since then we’ve supported each other through this war.

Last year, she talked about being like her mother and grandmother and trying to do it all.

It’s time to rally around Katie, y’all. My dear, sweet blogging bestie whose face I cannot wait to hug in August.

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About fourteen months ago I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression and Anxiety.  I was prescribed 20mg of Celexa per day.

I took it for about a month before I had my follow-up appointment.

I was a changed person.  The rage, the frustration, the paranoia, the feeling that there was a monster in my head trying to take over…all were gone.  Or at least managed.

I was able to start therapy and work on who I am now that I am a mother.

As great as I felt, there was still something nagging at me. I asked my doctor, “So how long will I be on this?  Like…forever?”

“Depends on what you mean by ‘forever,’” she smiled. “Like until you are 95?  Probably not.  Until you are done having children and maybe until menopause?  Maybe.”

She obviously saw my brow furrow and my face drop.

“This is most likely a permanent condition for you seeing as you had a previous Anxiety Disorder.  But there is nothing wrong with being on medication.  It’s a chemical thing in your body, Katie.  Just like people who have cholesterol imbalances take meds, just like people with diabetes take insulin, your brain has a little issue with the chemicals it needs, so you take meds. “

I nodded.  It made total sense.  This is what my life is like now.

Fast-forward a few months where I am sitting in my OB’s office having my annual Lady Visit.

I tell him we would like to try to get pregnant maybe in the spring.

He tells me that he would like to see me come off my Celexa before getting pregnant, but gives me the option, if the wean doesn’t work, to go on Zoloft—a drug he feels has proven safe for pregnancy.

I nod, put my feet in the stirrups, get my space invaded, and leave with a clean bill of health.

And now it’s spring.

We are trying to make a baby.

I tried to wean off my Celexa just like my OB recommended.

And it was a major fail.

And I cried to my therapist.

And she said what I was hoping to not hear:  “Katie, I really think that you need to be on meds through your pregnancy, after, and beyond.  At the very least, throughout your childbearing years.”

My mind knew this was possible.  Logically I knew that this was “not a big deal” that it was just a way to be me.

People tell me over and over that it’s Ok.

And I know that.

It is ok.  It’s ok that my mind needs a little help.

Does it feel like I’ve been betrayed by my own mind?  Yes.  Absolutely.

Am I still working through the idea that in order to be “normal” or “evened out,” I need to take a small pill every day?  Yes.

But my being a healthy mom and wife is what is most important.

If being on meds helps me be better, then that is what I will do…for as long as it takes.

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Katie is Queen of Sluiter Nation. She also writes Exploded Moments and writes about books at Katie’s Bookcase. Additionally, as if she needed any more awesome in her resume’, Katie is a co-host of The Red Dress Club.