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That time I made an ass of myself in the fabric store

If you follow me on Twitter, you know my afternoon? Kind of blew. To say the least.

Joshua and I got up and showered and dressed this morning and decided to go out. Somewhere. And I ended up at Moe’s. So we ate and had a great time and then it was time to go home for a nap.

A nap that never happened.

You see, dear friends, Joshua nodded off in the car. And when I took him inside? I made the RIDICULOUSLY FACKING AWFUL decision to change his diaper before putting him in the crib. So he got all whiny on me. I snuggled him, sang a song, put him in the crib, and then left the room. Where he promptly DID NOT fall asleep.

I listened and waited and listened and then went in to snuggle him some more. And he’d pooped.

I wouldn’t want to sleep with a load like that in my pants, either, so I can’t fault him for not sleeping the first time.

The second time? KID SHOULD’VE JUST TAKEN A NAP. And he didn’t. He jumped up and down in his crib. He counted to 10 (skipping numbers 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9, I might add). He ripped the teething bumper off the rail. He threw the monkey onto the ground.

And I? Decided the nap was a wash since it was already 2:30 and it was obvious he was not going to sleep.

So we went to JoAnn to see about some fabric (which I did not find) for a project I’m brewing up in my head.

While we were there, I think it was everyone in the store’s job to GET IN MY WAY AND STAY THERE.

Joshua’s screaming to be held and I’m alternating between carrying a 35 lb toddler and forcing him to sit in the buggy. Grandma on the button aisle just stands there in the middle of the place like she owns it. Other Grandma parks herself in front of the needles. Another Grandma keeps moseying up and down the same fabric aisle as me, completely blocking my path. Joshua keeps screaming and whining and crying and people are looking and I am breaking out into a sweat.

And my thighs are chaffing because THEY ARE FAT and they rub together and I decided today was a great day for a skirt. Like a facking moron.

So what do I do?

I take the few items I’ve managed to get into my cart, throw them into an aisle, and speed out of there like I’m in the Monaco Grand Prix. Oh yes. Yes, I did that. And the cart might’ve even been on two wheels a couple of times. And I might’ve shaken the cart and snapped “STOPWHININGJOSHUASTOPSTOPSTOP!” a few times on my way out of the store.

What happened when we got to the car, you ask?

This happened:

Oh yes. That’s my child. Sleeping. At 4:30 in the afternoon. But, as my friend Jennifer pointed out, at least my hair looks nice, right? o_o

By the time I got to the car, after dropping my keys, nearly dropping my bag, and screaming one of those primal screams that starts low and gets higher and more animalistic as it progresses, I was in such a frenzy that I really just needed to cool off and calm down.

(And yes. I totally screamed in the parking lot. Pretty sure people thought I was a nut case.)

I knew that if I threw him into the car seat in an attempt to speed home he would scream the whole way, I would probably have a panic attack, and I would likely get a ticket.

So? Front seat for a chill out it was.

At first I was just trying to get him (and myself) to calm down, but every time he tried to move to touch something or look at something in the front seat I was annoyed and I snapped at him.

“No touching. Head down. No. No. No.”

And he whined and laid his head down. Every time. Like some kind of defeated little puppy.

Eventually his breathing regulated and his eyelids were fluttering and I knew he was going to need to sleep. So I let him sleep.

I just sat there, air conditioner blowing, timing my breathing with his, feeling his little toddler heartbeat against my chest, and praying that I’ll be a calmer, cooler, more collected Mama tomorrow than I was today.

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Jess@Straight Talk

Monday 18th of April 2011

Why do people have to be such a pain in the ass? It's like they have radar when they know that you're on edge or having a bad day and seek you out.

Anyway, your hair does look damn good. And I blame you for me now having bangs. But thanks, because I needed them.


Sunday 17th of April 2011

Sorry it was a crazy day but yep, you're hair does look good!


Sunday 17th of April 2011

I'm the same as Katie - I get so anxious taking C places by myself. And I have so had those days where all I wanted to do was scream. Next time I'm going to try it.

PS You look hot :)


Sunday 17th of April 2011

My 7 month old who I have always (stupidly) bragged about being able to take anywhere has recently discovered that it's fun to yell really loud. Discovered it in the middle of a restaurant where we were having dinner with out of town friends. The first 7 times it was cute. . . the next 70 not so much. I gave her toys; she dropped them on the ground. I picked her up from her seat; she tried to squirm out of my arms. I said "no" (as if she could understand), and she grinned at me and yelled again. All the while just yelling away.

I scooped her up (quite abruptly and with no explanation to the people I was sitting with) and stormed out to the parking lot, where she just looked up at me innocently and quietly and patted me on the face as if to say "it's okay mommy!" I felt like a total tool.


Sunday 17th of April 2011

I have totally screamed in the parking lot of Kroger this past winter. This was after my 10 month old son managed to wriggle out of the belt in the cart and crawl out..of the cart. Yep. While I was busy trying to remember the same freaking PIN number that I've have for about a hunnerd years but I can't remember a damn thing since I had this kid, I allowed my baby to fall out of the cart. (and I was having a hot flash..who is sweaty in the dead of winter?? Me.) Oh, and did I mention this was also on a Saturday? (who goes to the grocery store on the most crowded day of the week? Me.) It's nice to read about other's bad momma/baby days. Not nice..but..oh know what I mean. ;-)


Sunday 17th of April 2011

I was actually quite surprised I screamed. But it was either scream at The Universe or scream at Joshua. And since I blame The Universe for him not napping, The Universe gets the scream.

And Joshua totally almost crawled out of the cart at Target last night. Like, one leg over the side on his way to the ground. While I was checking out. I was mortified.

It's all about solidarity, sister.

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