If I’m being perfectly honest? I’m not feeling like an awesome teacher these days. In fact, I’m feeling far from it.
Maybe I’m just run down because it’s the end of the year. Maybe there’s just too much talk in the news about educators and how we should be doing our jobs. Maybe there’s just too much pressure to do things a certain way–your own beliefs about how things should be done be damned.
I don’t know.
But I know that my heart has been heavy since the meetings yesterday where we looked to next year.
My heart is heavy because I teach with my heart. From my heart. With all of it. All the time.
And sometimes? I feel like that isn’t enough.
It isn’t enough because politicians who’ve never spent a DAY in a classroom or had a conversation with a teacher say it’s not enough.
It’s not enough because parents who haven’t done what I do say it’s not enough.
It’s not enough because pundits on television who have no knowledge of educational issues at all say it’s not enough.
It isn’t enough because students are jaded and disengaged and they don’t see the relevance and their body language indicates to me that my passion for this job–for their betterment–isn’t enough.
And at some point, I start to believe it’s not enough. That I am not enough.
And y’all? It’s only going to get worse.
There is so much that I want to say about this. So much that I want to write about where education is headed and why I think it’s headed in the wrong direction. But I worry.
I worry that parents and administrators will find this blog and think I’m criticizing THEM. Or that they’ll think I’m just a disgruntled public servant whining because I think I should get something for nothing.
I worry that y’all will lose interest if I wander too far away from our usual subjects around here.
I worry that I won’t be able to adequately convey the pain in my heart when I think about how I’ll make it for another 25 years in education when this is what I love.
At the end of the day, I do love it.
But I love my son and husband, too.
And sometimes I wonder how I can love both of these things and give of myself to both of these things indefinitely with neither of them suffering.