If I’m being perfectly honest? I’m not feeling like an awesome teacher these days. In fact, I’m feeling far from it.
Maybe I’m just run down because it’s the end of the year. Maybe there’s just too much talk in the news about educators and how we should be doing our jobs. Maybe there’s just too much pressure to do things a certain way–your own beliefs about how things should be done be damned.
I don’t know.
But I know that my heart has been heavy since the meetings yesterday where we looked to next year.
My heart is heavy because I teach with my heart. From my heart. With all of it. All the time.
And sometimes? I feel like that isn’t enough.
It isn’t enough because politicians who’ve never spent a DAY in a classroom or had a conversation with a teacher say it’s not enough.
It’s not enough because parents who haven’t done what I do say it’s not enough.
It’s not enough because pundits on television who have no knowledge of educational issues at all say it’s not enough.
It isn’t enough because students are jaded and disengaged and they don’t see the relevance and their body language indicates to me that my passion for this job–for their betterment–isn’t enough.
And at some point, I start to believe it’s not enough. That I am not enough.
And y’all? It’s only going to get worse.
There is so much that I want to say about this. So much that I want to write about where education is headed and why I think it’s headed in the wrong direction. But I worry.
I worry that parents and administrators will find this blog and think I’m criticizing THEM. Or that they’ll think I’m just a disgruntled public servant whining because I think I should get something for nothing.
I worry that y’all will lose interest if I wander too far away from our usual subjects around here.
I worry that I won’t be able to adequately convey the pain in my heart when I think about how I’ll make it for another 25 years in education when this is what I love.
At the end of the day, I do love it.
But I love my son and husband, too.
And sometimes I wonder how I can love both of these things and give of myself to both of these things indefinitely with neither of them suffering.
isha
Sunday 17th of April 2011
You know from my recent fb letter that I feel the same, sad, hopeless way. I don't know what to do anymore, but im losing my passion and terrified for the future. I don't think ill last in the field, which sucks for me and my future students. I have...no advice. Just hugs.
Miranda
Sunday 17th of April 2011
I'll take hugs and reciprocate.
I know that educational trends are on a pendulum, but I don't know if I can make it until the pendulum swings back into the favor of teachers.
Jamie
Saturday 16th of April 2011
Totally feeling this post!
(((hugz)))
Miranda
Sunday 17th of April 2011
That meeting on Tuesday, which was all day for me, really took a lot out of me.
story
Thursday 14th of April 2011
Oh my goodness I hear you. When I was a bright eyed young thing, after a faculty meeting/communal beat down, my mentor teacher said to me once "Just close the door and do the right thing," and those words have always stuck with me. Having worked in a few schools since then, I've had some wonderful administrators, and it makes a world of difference, but when you don't, all you can do is your best. I think it was Maya Angelou who said "I did what I know, and when I knew better, I did better." That's been a comfort to me in my parenting lately and I know it applies to my teaching too.
And on days when you don't feel like a very good teacher in earnest and not just because someone tried to make you feel like crap? The best thing about school was there was a tomorrow, and you could walk back into class and say to those teenagers "My bad, can we try that again?" And if your heart's in the right place, they'll know that. And they'll help you out.
Miranda
Thursday 14th of April 2011
The former department head always told us to "teach from the heart." And I do. God, I do. And my administration is really great. But when I think about changes being made to education as part of some pet project that got someone somewhere elected who has never met me? Who has never met my kids? I want to scream.
And tomorrow really is another day. I'd do well to remember that.
Kenna
Thursday 14th of April 2011
As a professor, I can say with some confidence that if you didn't worry about these things, you wouldn't be a good teacher. The fact that you do certainly says something about your dedication to the job. As a woman I can say that you're obviously tired and you had a bad day. Keep your head up. One teacher really can make all of the difference in a child's life.
Miranda
Thursday 14th of April 2011
It wasn't necessarily that I had a bad day. It's just that when I start to think about everything? It all feels incredibly overwhelming and sometimes I just feel like I'm not enough.
I know teachers can make the difference. Mine certainly did. I just wish that the powers that be would remember those teachers who made a difference and praise them instead of lumping us all together as lazy and unmotivated and whiny.
krista
Thursday 14th of April 2011
write it. people (like me) need to hear it & understand it from the perspective of those of you that live it every day. And if you write it with love, you don't need to worry about any of the things you mentioned because everyone will know your heart is in the right place.
Miranda
Thursday 14th of April 2011
This is such awesome advice. Perhaps when I've got my head around what it is, exactly, I want to say, I'll write it. There's so much I want to talk about and so many issues floating around in education right now.