Y’all, I’ve got an issue. And this issue is a hotly debated and frequent flyer in the “Mommy Wars” circles. I’m not looking to further any of that brouhaha here, so if that’s what you’re thinking, just don’t think it.
Okay, with that disclaimer out of the way, I need to talk about car seats.
My brother never rode in a car seat. We had one, but he never rode in it. He rode exactly where the little girl in Joshua’s class was sitting today. On the “hump” of the front seat. My mom realizes how incredibly fortunate we were to never get into an accident. As I was talking to her about this today, she said “Miranda, it’s the law now. It wasn’t then. If it had been, he would’ve been in a car seat.”
A friend of mine nearly lost her nephew to a car accident when he was improperly fastened into his car seat. As a result of this, and because of my desire to keep Joshua alive in general, I’m kind of a stickler for following car seat rules.
I know enough to know that car seat safety is serious business and when ours budges so much as a half inch, I’m screaming for it to be tightened.
We bought a Recaro because of their history of making racing seats. If they keep Formula 1 drivers safe, then I feel pretty safe trusting them with the safety of my child.
Joshua was rear-faced until about 16 months, maybe a little longer. And I don’t exactly remember why we turned him forward facing. I do know that because he was so tall it was incredibly difficult to get him in and out of the back seat of my car (a Camry) because the Recaro is so tall and the back seat is so, relatively speaking, small. But other than that, I can’t remember why we forward-faced him when we did.
Just this week, the American Academy of Pediatrics issued a release stating that children should stay rear-facing until age 2. And there is not a day that has gone by in the past however-many months that I haven’t gone “Man, why’d we forward face him again?”
But that’s not really what I want to talk about today.
A week and a half ago we were on our way to Ikea when I looked over at the car next to us and noticed a baby/toddler sitting in the driver’s lap. In this case, there was a car seat AND THE OTHER PARENT in the back seat of the car. Had the airbag deployed in that car, I shudder to think about the scene that would be left there.
This morning one of the little girls in Joshua’s class was being picked up as I was dropping him off. Her eye was pink and since pink eye spreads through daycares like uhh, something that spreads really fast, she was sent home as a precaution.
When I walked out of the daycare and into the parking lot, I saw her sitting really close to the grandparent who’d come to pick her up. Like, really close. So I was curious.
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As I walked in front of the vehicle, I noticed that she wasn’t in a car seat. There wasn’t even a car seat in the car. She was sitting on the arm rest between the two bucket seats, no more than 8 inches from the dash.
And I was kind of flabbergasted. Floored that with all the knowledge we have about car seat safety, people still don’t think they’re necessary and choose to forgo them out of, what, convenience? Lack of financial resources?
***Sort of sidenote: If you can’t afford a car seat, please read this article and see if any of these apply to you: How to Get a Free Car Seat. Also, while I’m generally against buying used car seats from consignment stores or Craigslist because you can’t always verify their accident history, I’d rather someone purchase a used car seat than NOT HAVE ONE AT ALL.***
So this brings me to my dilemma.
What would you have done in this situation? I had 10 minutes to get to work and by the time I’d gotten to my car and processed what I’d just seen, the grandfather had left the daycare. If I’d knocked on his window, what would I have done? How would that situation have transpired?
(As for what I *did* do, I called the daycare owner and told her what I’d seen and asked her to speak to the mother. She seems to think the mother will be unphased by this information, which hurts my heart even more.)
This is a dilemma for me. Logically, and in my heart, it shouldn’t be. But it is. Some of y’all probably read this and think “How DARE YOU not say something to this grandfather! HOW DARE YOU. WHAT ABOUT THE CHILD??” and are all Sanctimommy-ing and thinking I should’ve just climbed into the seat next to them or jumped on his vehicle to stop him from leaving, or ripped out his battery cables or something.
Is a child who is in a vehicle but unrestrained something I should be calling 911 over? Is this a situation where officers will respond, but begrudgingly? Is this a non-emergency situation and I should call the police office’s dispatch? And if that’s the case, do I need to program phone numbers for all police stations into my phone?
Should I follow the car to make sure the police intercept? And at what cost to myself? Doing that this morning would’ve made me late to work.
Do I walk up to people when I see they have a child not in a seat and say something? What does that accomplish? Do I refuse to let them get in the car until they go to the store and come back with a seat, staging a sit-in in the middle of a parking lot?
Is this a situation where I pray that nothing happens to those children and that God is with them and let the parents learn the hard way?
Honestly, y’all. I need to know what to do because I’ve seen this way too frequently lately and my heart hurts over the idea of what could happen to these children. I want to be a voice for them because they don’t have the voice to speak up, but I don’t know how.
I honestly don’t know what advice to give you on this one. I went through a similar dilemma when I worked as a bank teller. A couple would come through the drive up on Saturdays. They would always have their little boy in the front seat between them. No car seat. No seatbelt. Standing up. He was somewhere between 18 months and 2 years old. It still makes me sick thinking about what could have happened to him. I pray they were never in an accident. He was such a sweet, beautiful little boy. This was before I was a mother but I was still shocked and horrified to see it. It never really occurred to me that I could report them at the time. I still don’t know what the proper channels would have been.
I worked as a teller and we had several friends on the police force who were officers in our area. We had a woman come through the drive thru with her infant laying in the passenger’s seat, no car seat in the vehicle. We called one of our on-duty officer friends and he took care of it. But now that I’m not in that area anymore, I just don’t know what to do.
I think you’ve done all you can. I don’t know how the mother would be okay with this, but unfortunately, it is her choice to follow the law or not. Unless the police are there to witness it, they won’t intervene. I’m with you, I don’t care if your kid is RFing or FFing (as long as you made an informed decision for your own family), so long as they are properly secured in one! And again in agreement – used is better than nothing!
I can’t imagine how she could be okay with it either. I know we live in a pretty rural area full of “good ol’ people” and they don’t get that this stuff is serious, but sheesh, you know?
Get a car seat!
Call the police. I have a job where I regularly call their non-emergency line, and I listen to the police scanners all day long (ugh). But this is definitely something they will respond to if they have the time & resources. I have called them multiple times for an unrestrained child in a car — call 911 from your cell & they will route you to the proper authorities. You may have to wait on hold a while, but for your own piece of mind, I would report it. The way I always look at it is if, God forbid, something terrible happened and that vehicle was in an accident, I would want to know that I did what I could to inform the proper people that such a dangerous activity was going on. ::steps off soapbox::
Also? My little man turns 1 in a little over a month. After the new AAP guidelines, we’ll be getting convertible seats for our two vehicles instead of the ones we were originally looking at that were FF. Safety is safety.
<3 Becca
But if I’m on hold and I don’t know where the vehicle is going, how do I direct them to the law-breaker in time for them to catch the unrestrained child? That’s another part of this dilemma.
I couldn’t follow the grandfather to his home without making myself late for work, and while I’d like to be more valiant and say that self-preservation isn’t important, my job isn’t one I can be late for. So I honest-to-God don’t know what to do to speed up this process.
No need to step off a soapbox. I’m very much on one when I say that kids need to be properly restrained in motor vehicles. I’m just at a loss as to where to go from there.
Honestly, I don’t know how I’d handle it. Probably similarly to how you did — absolute shock for a few minutes, and then worry and nausea once I’ve fully processed the situation. Calling the daycare director was a great idea. (One I’ll definitely keep in mind for future!)
I think sometimes handling situations like this with ‘kid gloves’ is the best. Approaching the parent out of concern may very well get you further than calling the cops on them. Hopefully they’re just a horribly un-informed parent, as opposed to a very lackadaisical one who simply doesn’t care.
Other than that, the only other thing I’d do is pray. I’d pray that the child remain safe from harm in spite of the lack of safety. I’d pray that the child grows up to be a better, more responsible adult than the adults in his/her life are teaching them to be by example.
See, kid gloves is right for me, too. And sadly, I think this is a lackadaisical parent.
And yes, I’m praying for the safety of this child. That nothing happens to her so that she is given the opportunity to grow up to make better decisions than her parents.
wow. that’s all I can say. wow.
How can they think after all of the things you see on tv about car seats and accidents that it’s alright to not use one? And then put the kid in the front seat! Like that’s safer.
I don’t know what I would have done. I agree with others that calling the daycare was a good thing to do.
My son is 14 months and we turned him around recently. I could/should have keep him rear facing a while longer but the screaming & crying every time we got in the car was getting old fast.
Wow is what I said, too.
And this was in a truck so there wasn’t even a back seat to PUT her in, but she could’ve been in a SEAT-seat and not on the armrest between the seats.
that is such a tough situation. we are planning on rear facing as long as the weight requirements allow on our car seat, and i have to be honest, i’m not typically a judgey mom, but there are a few things when i see i can’t help but get all “what are they thinking”. a woman in our playgroup mentioned she turned her son around at 10 months, because “he was so big”, and my sister-in-law did the same because her son was “too fussy backwards”. and while those 2 are no where near as bad as what you saw, i still rolled my eyes a little. i know that when we were kids it was no big deal if kids weren’t restrained, but like your momma said, now we know better.
i think calling the daycare director was all you could have done and not caused more of a problem. and definitely pray for that child and for other kids in that situation. unfortunately, kids can’t pick their parents.
I try my hardest not to judge others because I don’t know their situations, but this is one thing that I judge on. I can’t fathom how people can see and read and hear of the horrible accidents and think it won’t happen to them.
I had a friend turn her son around at 9 months and when I asked her about it and reminded her of the laws that children be RF until a year, she says “Oh, he’s a year…” (He was about a month shy at that time.)
It shocks me, honestly. This whole situation.
You got it right when you said it makes your heart hurt.
Be ready next time with the non emergency police number and the license plate number. It’s child endangerment and you should make a call.
I know this sounds like an excuse, but we have four police divisions, at minimum, in our area, and I never know which I should call depending on where I am! I do have friends I can ask, so that’s on my to-do list!
My husband is a police dispatcher and he said you should call it in to the non-emergency number. If you’re not sure which number to call, you should call the number you’re aware of and they will either give you the correct number to call or deliver the message themselves.
In your shoes, I would unfortunately let it go unless it happens again. If they pick her up again, i would get the license plate and call the police immediately. If you feel like following them (and have time) that is fine, but if you don’t want to, there is no reason the police can’t figure out where the people live by running their plate and taking things from there.
Thanks for asking your husband! I was hoping you’d see this!
I’m going against the popular opinion here but I think notifying the daycare provider is about as much as you can do. I’ve called the police for infractions like this before but have never once gotten a response that made me think they were actually going to do anything. And approaching the parent/grandparent is NEVER going to end well. Like you said, what are you going to say? “Hey, go buy a car seat right now!” I can think of no one who likes to be criticized for their parenting by a stranger, no matter how wrong they actually might be. If you really feel like you have to do something more, I would suggest programing the police non-emergency number into your phone and using it for your peace of mind.
On another note, I’m guessing Grandpa was the third or fourth choice to pick up a sick child and so he simply didn’t have a car seat to use. I know some daycares have extra seats they can lend in situations like that – maybe the daycare provider could mention that to the mom in case it happens again.
I’m with you, Suzanne. I really feel like this was nearly all I could do. Confronting him wasn’t even remotely the right thing to do.
I know that our daycare doesn’t have loaner seats, but I’m glad that some daycares do.
I have handy access to a law enforcement officer so I asked. The police would have to see the infraction to give a ticket and it is not recommended to detain anyone yourself. You can call the non-emergency line and if an officer is available they may respond. With a decent description of the car and the license plate number, a “be on the lookout” can be issued.
If the car is also driving recklessly, call the emergency line and report the reckless/drunk/speeding first and the car seat second.
If it happened to me, I would notify the day care provider and that is about it. They could, I suppose, make daycares like hospitals where you can’t pickup the child with out the appropriate car system, but I don’t know how enforceable that would be.
Yeah, I knew that the officers would have to SEE the infraction in order to ticket for it. And they’d have to make that a state law in order for any or all daycares to enforce a law like that since, as my daycare owner said, once the children have left her doors with an authorized person, there’s nothing she can do legally.
My husband just told me that is brother and our SIL have their daughter in a booster seat already in the car….because she’s too tall for a car seat. WHAT? She’s younger than my 2.5 year old and maybe only an inch taller and so I don’t understand what they are talking about. I guess I’m naive because I’m reading this with my jaw open, like, how can parents NOT HAVE THEIR KID IN A CAR SEAT? I did hear the information about the rear facing until 2 and I am sort of curious how that will work with leg room?
I probably would have done what you did with the daycare and stopped there….unless I could report it and the cop could get to the car right away.
I don’t see how this is something that people think is okay. I just don’t. I don’t know how people can risk their children’s lives by not properly restraining them in the car.
As for leg room, children naturally want to scrunch themselves up, so as far as leg room, that’s all they know so most don’t complain about lack of leg room. They cross their legs and ride along happily. I wouldn’t worry about that as a reason to turn a child.
This is such a tough call. I imagine grandpa hurried to pick the kid up and didn’t have the carseat. But is that the right answer? And if you had said something, would he have paused to do something? Probably not.
I think you did what you could in this situation. And I’m sure the mom was well aware of what happened and probably even told grandpa to go and not worry about it. Sad. Very sad.
Also? I had no idea the new recs are for 16 months. Will remember this with Allison.
The new recs are to be RF until 2!
And I kind of get the feeling that grandpa picks her up semi-often and mom is totally aware that grandpa doesn’t have a car seat. And doesn’t think it’s a big deal. Which makes me want to vomit.
This has happened to me several times.
The first time was when a man left his children in the car, running, while he went into the store, he was gone for a very long time. I stood outside of the car and waited for him to come back. The children were babies.
I told him the law stated he could not do this. I told him I had his license plate number and asked him what his wife would think if his children were removed from their home because he didn’t want to take them into the store. He was visibly upset.
I didn’t call the police, I thought this was enough.
Then in December I saw a child riding on the lap of the driver.
I didn’t have enough time to get the license plate number and my husband isn’t as forward as I am so he wouldn’t follow them.
I think you did all you could at the time and its very sad that the day care isn’t doing what they should be doing.
My husband isn’t as forward as I am, either.
And the daycare IS doing what they should and can do legally. They can’t refuse to release a child into the custody of its parents or authorized people because those people don’t have a car seat. That’d be considered kidnapping.
It just really sucks that some parents don’t have enough sense to understand the dangers involved in not properly restraining children in a moving vehicle.
I probably would have taken down the license plate number and reported them, but that is about all you can do. I mean, you can’t just take your whole day to chase someone down.
But really? How sad is that?
And for the record? Ed has been front facing since he was 13 months. He is just way to big to rear-face and our ped actually suggested it.