I really hate it here. Truly. This space in my head. All I do is sit in my chair and “think…think…thiiiinnnnkk.”
And sing cheesy songs from awful kid’s shows, apparently.
I was having a few really, really good days with Joshua and this whole working mama gig. Everything was rocking and rolling and going well and I was feeling like a rockstar. And then? These really weird “my head isn’t screwed on straight” days took over and left me feeling out of touch with everyone and everything that should matter.
I’m blaming it on Christmas.
Christmas should be about spending time with family and sharing the fact that we’ve all lived another year and we’re all healthy and well and together, right? And food.
But it feels so commercial to me. It feels all about finding the perfect gift that fits the budget that says “I really care and I’m not a cheap-o so don’t hate me because I didn’t spend $92384802 on you this year.” And that gift? Doesn’t exist. At all. But I search. And I search and search and search. And I fail. Miserably.
Christmas always puts me in such a funk. This year? No exception. I’m really just not looking forward to it.
I want to cancel Christmas.
I haven’t wrapped a single gift. I’m still negative 238 on ideas for Dan’s Mom and sister.
I have no gifts for my husband. None. Nada. He says he doesn’t want anything, and quite honestly? I have no idea what I’d get him anyway. Isn’t that sad? Just awful and sad? It feels really awful to me somehow.
The house needs to be cleaned. The laundry needs to be done. And I? Want to do exactly nothing.
I mean, it’ll all be over in 30 seconds and thrown into trash bags anyway, right?
I’m also a complete Mama Fail on the Joshua’s second Christmas front, too. Have I bothered to take him to get his pictures made with Santa? No. Have I thought about what Santa’s bringing him? Not even a little bit. And my heart hurts because part of me doesn’t care.
Did you hear that Universe?!?! I DON’T CARE THAT MY CHILD IS GOING TO HAVE AN AWFUL CHRISTMAS.
But I do care. Because if I didn’t care, I wouldn’t be here rambling on and on about this at 10:00 on a Monday night while staring at the empty space underneath my tree and thinking of the very, very unwrapped presents clogging my mudroom.
I really, truly need more time. More time to get my act together before I have to throw this holiday together with duct tape. Which is silver and might compliment my red wrapping paper in a festive way. So at least there’s that.
Bah Humbug. I’m gonna go cry now.