After my last post, I needed a couple of days to clear my head. To sort through my emotions and feelings. And to soak in the support from my awesome readers.
Thank you all. So, so much. Thank you.
In my rational mind, I know that Thursday wasn’t a normal day. It was the eruption of several days of stress and more stress. It was bound to happen at some point. In fact, it probably needed to happen so I could re-center myself.
I have the upcoming week off thanks to our lovely school calendar and the wonderfulness that is Fall Break, so I should be able to do a good deal of centering of myself since I won’t have the stress of students to deal with. (Though there are those pesky essays taunting me from my teacher bag…)
It’ll be nice to just slow down and be a mom this week. The break has come at a perfect time.
I am by no means back to good. I’d say I’m back to okay.
I’ve felt kind of outside of myself for a few days now, actually. And man, is THAT a weird feeling. Like I’m there but I’m not there.
I tried to explain that to Dan today. He wanted to get out of the house and I reluctantly got ready. All I really wanted to do was lay in the bed and not move, which I recognize as not being healthy.
I think my reluctance was visible and he kept telling me that I could stay home and he’d take Joshua. But I’m all “Uhhh….” and having visions of the Category 5 meltdown that would occur that would send Dan into a Category 7383 tailspin. (He doesn’t deal well with the meltdowns in public. Can’t say that I blame him.)
Or, he said, we could all stay home. But I was already dressed. And once I get dressed on the weekends, I can’t stay at home. I must leave the house.
(This is why my strategy when I was a broke college kid was always to not shower until after the sun had gone down on the weekends. That way I wouldn’t wander to the mall or downtown and spend money I didn’t have.)
I stubbornly insisted that we-would-be-leaving-the-house-no-matter-what-so-help-me-god-he-better- pack-a-sippy-and-some-goldfish-crackers-and-start-the-car-we-were-leaving. And he continued to insist that we could just stay home.
So I sat down on the couch and just said “I GIVE UP” and stared into space.
That’s when I tried to explain to him what it’s like to know that you are not being yourself. To know that you do not feel right. That you just feel “off.” And that you do not know of any way to right yourself.
I just do not feel like myself lately.
Finally, he convinced me to go get a burrito. (STUPID BURRITO BRIBERY!)
So we did. Of course. Because I have an inability to say no to burritos.
And then, since we were out, we went to the mall.
iPhone4, y’all. iPhone4. (Notsupermom on Words with Friends. Let’s play.)
Do you see now why I don’t leave the house when I don’t need to spend money?
BECAUSE I SPEND MONEY.
But this phone, while amazingly awesome and perhaps my new obsession, doesn’t make me feel any more like myself. It just makes me feel like a cooler, techie version of someone I don’t recognize.
|No makin’ fun of how ridiculous I look. My ego can’t take it.|