I’ll say it again.
WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.
This sisterhood of motherhood. TOGETHER.
I am a frequent flyer at Heir to Blair and yesterday she posted an entry titled “Great Expectations”. The post talks about how motherhood wasn’t what she expected. That the felt lied to somehow by other mothers. She also talks about how she doesn’t know if her feelings are HER feelings or if it’s the PPD talking.
Then I read a post at Emmie’s blog, This is the First Day of my Life, and I’m a new follower of hers after having found her through Twitter. Her post, “I Have to Say This and it Might Lose me Friends,” talks about how motherhood IS what she expected and she can’t imagine doing anything else. That even though there are moments that are pure suck, she loves it and doesn’t feel lied to at all.
I’ve linked both entries so you can go read and follow these lovely ladies for yourself.
Here’s where my “We’re all in this together” mantra comes in.
If you read the comments that each of these ladies has gotten, and comments they are aplenty, you’ll see two distinct camps forming. Those who agree with Blair and those who agree with Emmie. And it’s beginning to seem like never the twain shall meet.
And that’s where I take issue.
Here, AGAIN, we’ve got mothers putting down the feelings of other mothers. The moms who love every single poop-filled minute of motherhood are “sad” for those of us who don’t. And it’s not always the “sad” that means “wow, my heart hurts for these women.” It’s the “sad” whose subtext says “Wow…those women suck for not loving every minute of this, even when they don’t.” Or that’s what we hear.
And the mothers who say “Hell YES I’ve wanted out before” feel guilty for admitting that and feel the need to strike out with vitriol at those who don’t feel the same way. We say “anyone who says she’s never wanted out is LYING” and that’s not true. It’s like we need validation for feeling the way we feel and we feel personally attacked by those who don’t feel the same way so we jump on the defensive and lash out.
Pot, meet kettle. I’m guilty.
I feel the need to sprinkle a generous helping of ::everyone is different:: dust all over the internet. We’re not all the same. But we are all moms. And instead of tearing each other down for not all feeling the same way, we need to be lifting each other up and learning from each other. (And I can’t believe I just sounded so puppies and rainbows there, but it’s totally true.)
One woman’s coping mechanism is to put her child in the crib and walk away for 10 minutes? Cool. Mine is to send a frantic text to Dan saying “HOLY CRAP THE CHILD IS POSSESSED. SEND WINE.” Or something like that.
It’s OKAY that we DON’T all love every single poop-filled moment of every day. IT. IS. OKAY.
And it’s also okay when moms DO love every single poop-filled moment of every day. IT. IS. OKAY.
It’s OKAY for one woman to feel fulfilled as a human being by staying at home with her children and it’s OKAY for another woman to feel fulfilled as a human being by working outside the home.
All this back and forth between moms on both sides of all of these fences just makes me cranky.
And it’s okay to feel “lied to,” but perhaps that’s the wrong choice of words. Perhaps the right words are “unprepared” and “HOLY SHIZ HOW IS THIS KID STILL CRYING!?!?” And it’s okay if those things don’t mean the same for you as they do for me.
Because I felt BOTH of those things, but not necessarily lied to.
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I knew motherhood wouldn’t be easy. I knew that. I knew I’d get sleep deprived. I knew there would be up-the-back poop diapers at 3am. I knew there’d be sore boobs and sleepless nights. I knew breastfeeding wouldn’t be easy.
I wasn’t prepared for my child to scream at me for hours and for me to not know any possible way to soothe him. I wasn’t prepared for the feelings of loneliness and isolation. I wasn’t prepared for just HOW sleepless my nights would get. I wasn’t prepared to feel like my child deserved better than me. To pace around my house crying “I’m sorry…I’m so sorry” while he cried along with me.
And the thing is that even if people HAD told me those things, it wouldn’t have mattered. I would have listened, but it still wouldn’t have mattered. Because another person’s experience is not MY experience. And my experience is not THEIR experience. That’s why things like eyewitness testimony aren’t reliable. Because two people can experience the exact same situation and take away from it completely different things. It’s all about perception.
I think the two sides of this camp are further broken down into moms who HAVE PPD/A and moms who don’t. And that’s even MORE sad. Does it seem like PPD/A is being “trendy” or “overdiagnosed”? Maybe a little. But perhaps it’s also that more women are speaking up and speaking out and shedding light on what women have, for decades, suffered through in silence and shame. And I’d be willing to bet that more than half of us who ARE speaking up about PPD/A aren’t saying everything.
And for the moms who say “I don’t know what it’s like to have PPD/A, but…” good for you for not knowing. Good for you. I’m glad for you. Because I wouldn’t wish this hell on anyone. Not even people I don’t like.
Even now that I feel like I’m on the downhill side of my battle, even now that Joshua can have a bad afternoon without me being reduced to a heap of blank-staring, mindless, non-conversational human on the couch, I still wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
And there again, it’s all about perception.
I know in my rational mind that some days will suck more than others and that some days will be AWESOME. And yes, I’ve had both of those types of days and I’m able to appreciate the good days. Like, really appreciate them. But for me at least, the “suck” days stick with me. I go to bed shell-shocked and I wake up the next day with dread in the pit of my stomach that today will be another “suck” day.
Despite my favorite quote, attributed to Emerson, I can’t just “finish each day and be done with it” every single day.
And if you don’t know the quote, here it is in its entirety:
“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”
That’s what I strive for. To “finish each day” and I do finish the day. But I can’t just forget them as easily as someone who isn’t suffering from PPD/A, and I’m willing to bet that my fellow sufferers feel the same way.
But the fact that I can’t always shake the bad days doesn’t mean that I love my son any less. Or that I don’t love being his mother.
Yes, it’s true. I didn’t always love motherhood. Shocking, I know. Since one of my early posts screams “THIS SUCKS” and since I vividly recall saying that on the phone to my own mother.
And me not always loving motherhood doesn’t mean that I regret becoming a mother, or resent my son, and it certainly doesn’t mean, as one commenter on Blair’s post said, that we should think long and hard before having another child.
(It goes without saying that we should think long and hard before bringing ANY child into the world, and yes, the jury is still out on whether I want to have another, but how DARE anyone tell me I shouldn’t have another because I don’t love every second of being a mother. HOW DARE YOU. Just using the phrase “think long and hard” REEKS of punishment and disdain and ire and it is completely unacceptable from one mother to the next. And that’s the end of this rant.)
But women who don’t love every single second of motherhood don’t need to feel ashamed to say “You know, I was out for cocktails with a coworker and I felt like my old self and it was glorious and I didn’t want to leave.”
And it doesn’t mean that women who DO love every single second of motherhood shouldn’t feel like they can advise those of us who don’t.
There needs to be a “3rd period discussion,” which is a phrase shared by a coworker (Hi, Jamie!) and me that means “We don’t always agree, but we’re willing to accept that there are different viewpoints from our own. And we’re willing to accept that perhaps there are things we do or have done that we need to do differently and it doesn’t make either of us right or wrong.”
Because, I mean, we’re all in this together afterall, right?
Exactly. Just as no two kids are the same, no two mothers are the same and no two experiences as mothers are the same. But we're all mothers. Having had a child bonds us all somehow. We share our experiences, the good and the bad. Sometimes we know what to say, and sometimes we don't. Knowing what to expect in motherhood vs. not knowing what to expect depends entirely on what your expectations are…
Beautiful post. I KNOW that people don't always write everything in posts – i know there is a whole lot more i wish to say – but cant for whatever reason now. It is so easy to "judge" or speak on what we truly don't know.
I am surprised with how 'secret' REAL motherhood is – we really should all be supporting and listening to each other – but it can be hard to do that when we all honestly don't know the real story behind everyone and people are so afraid of talking about the 'bad times' for fear of being misjudged.
Love your post ♥ ♥
I can very confidently say that the comments on Emmie's post sort of went off the beaten path of what she was actually trying to say. I honestly don't think she was trying to build a fence between the two "sides" (which I hate even saying it like this, motherhood shouldn't cause people to be on sides)….but I think some of the comments starting getting out of hand and people were taking something different than what she was saying.
My major two cents towards a lot of comments that I've read: I don't read blogs and keep in mind of they have PPD or not. I don't read the trials and the rough days or the good days or anything with the idea of "well that person doesn't understand MY life" because it's not about that. I have PPD. I am so grateful for the women that don't because it gives me hope. Hope that there's MORE. I read comments about how people think they are taken less seriously as a blogger because they don't suffer, and I think that discredits the point. It's taking a step back in a movement to education and encourage. And I think it's totally off base. I honestly don't think people read blogs and base their opinion on any condition or disorder the writer has.
Wow I went on a tangent. Oy!
Ah this is SO good! I have been one that thinks that people who says it's happy ALL the time are a wee bit of the lying sort. But maybe that is because I want justification for all the YUCK I have felt. But you're right, it IS great for some people. They CAN find the joy in the screams and poop. And good for them! I wish I could!
I love how you are just "it needs to be said, so here it is".
Go you!
@Alena, I absolutely, 100% agree with you. The comments on Emmie's post did veer from what she was trying to say, and she made sure to come back and clarify her point to all those who thought she was saying something different. In no way do I think she was trying to choose sides or point those sides out.
And to your second point, I agree and disagree. I read other people's blogs because they DO give me hope, especially when I read about other people's good days. But I do sometimes think that people read and comment based on the disorder the writer has.
And tangents are cool. I'm cool with tangents. As long as we aren't talking about geometry.
Can i just say I love you? For reals???!!! You always say what needs to be said, and woman, you are quick! I've been wrestling in my mind about writing a post in response, but heck, now I don't have to! You did it.
It sure was hard to take deep breaths and not be hurt by MANY of the comments (not so much the original posts but the comments.. whew!)
You are right though, we need to take a step back and remember it's not them against us or vice versa. We are all in this together, just with different struggles and different challenges.
I was writing almost the exact thing when I checked twitter and found a link here. I have to agree with everything you wrote.
I choose/chose not to write much publicly about my struggle with PPD with both my kids on the internet for fear of being judge because I couldn't man up. I deal with it my way. Others deal with it by blogging. And what works for them doesn't work for me and vice versa. I think it is great that they can share such an intimate part of themselves and hopefully encourage others to get help if needed. It is something I couldn't and probably never will do in much detail.
WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT, BUT WE ARE ALL MOMS. And we should support each other on both of those. We should rally around that MOM team; not the PPD or non-PPD team; or the natural v. drug v. c-section team; or the breast-feeding v. formula team; working v. SAHM team and so on. We should be a team of moms. Just as every child, pregnancy, labor and birth is different so is our experience as moms. But it doesn't change the fact that we are moms.
The wonderful thing about blogging and the internet is to share and learn and meet different fabulous people. And we are all lucky enough to share our stories, opinions thoughts, etc. on our blogs.
My fear about posts that declare mom's should just man up or put on their big girl panties is that a new mom will read that and think that she needs to man up instead of getting the help that she may desperately need. That is what I did. I waited much longer than I should have to get help for my PPD. I kept telling myself that I just need to man up, but with PPD and other mood disorders that is not enough. Sometimes you need more.
Thanks for putting this "3rd period discussion" out there.
Yes, ma'am. I read all of the posts yesterday and found myself agreeing with parts of all of them. Then I felt like maybe I needed to "take a side" but then I realized that was stupid. It's just as stupid to take a side on this as it is to take a side on working vs. stay at home or breast vs. bottle. We are all in this together. Or at least we should be. At least for me, part of what helps me when I have moments where I want to run away is to run to twitter and yell, "I want to run away" and have five people reply with "please come pick me up." It makes me feel so much better to know that I'm not in this alone, others are having a bad day too and somewhere, someone is having a fantastic day and maybe tomorrow or in an hour, that will be me.
I couldn't have said this better. Thank you for writing it.
I fully agree with this post. And truly think it was no ones intention to draw a line and for readers to have to pick sides. the comments kind of started that but, i don't think it was any bloggers intention. I love blogging because we are all different, it would be so boring to read all these blogs that were exactly the same.
I didn't read Emmie's post (yet). I did read Blair's. I found myself agreeing with a lot of what she said. I love my son to pieces, but I have my days when I do want to run away. I don't think this makes me a bad mother. I'm just human, and I've learned that these feelings are okay. I've stopped feeling guilty for having them.
I don't think anything can really prepare you for motherhood. You can't KNOW what it's like to do it until you are doing it. So while I understood that certain things would suck about it, I didn't know how much those things would suck until they were actually happening.
It's kind of like knowing a loved one is dying. You can prepare yourself for that loss till the cows come home, but once the person actually dies, you can't predict what will happen or how you will feel. You can only prepare so much for such a huge life event.
I agree with what you're saying – we're all moms, and we should all support each other and stop with the judging. Women seem to instinctually want to be cruel to each other – I've noticed this trend since I was just a kid – but sometimes it still surprises me how mean moms are to each other. All we're trying to do is raise good, responsible little people – why do we insist on tearing each other down? It's not okay.
Amen.
I love those comments that tell me they feel bad for my husband & son & I should never breed again. Those are awesome.
Having not read either post you're speaking of, I still wanted to comment and say bravo for your post. I see it all over blogs/communities/twitter/etc. where moms seem to attack rather than support each other for all our differences. It's too bad we aren't all part of one community of sisters who have kids. Then those who are "loving every minute" could offer a strong shoulder to lean on for those who need a minute. Or whatever. Thanks again. 🙂
Your posts are inspiring! I am also a "SEND WINE NOW" kinda gal.
I think we all have moments of distress and pure joy. We as mothers and women should all ban together. Do what makes you happy. Support others who are doing what makes them happy. Its that simple. Bravo to you!
great post! i think i'm still going to knock out one of my own in the same vein, but you've really nailed it! (-;
i love the balance that you've managed to capture here, in the midst of varying opinions, hurt feelings, etc. you rock mama!
cheers!
Actually, I disagree (shocker!). I don't believe "we're all in this together." I don't believe in "the sisterhood of moms." There are far too many crappy moms out there for me to ever generalize myself in the same boat as them. A friend of mine had a mom that had boyfriends throw him in a garbage can, and sexually and physically abuse him. Certainly, this mom is not in the sisterhood of motherhood?? Am I being a bit dramatic? Yes.
But the only point of yours I can agree on is that the PPD/A term is becoming a bit trendy and over-diagnosed. More and more I am seeing moms that are too self righteous to buck up and deal with their "imperfect" child and life, so instead they scream " it's my PPD, I can't deal!" I'm not implying that is you, this is actually my first time to your blog and I know nothing about you. But I found it, I read this one post, and I couldn't help but to say I don't agree.
Anonymous,
I have no way of knowing if you'll read this. I hope you will. Thanks for coming by and taking the time to share your thoughts.
In no way do I group myself, or the moms I'm speaking of here, with those who neglect their children and allow horrible atrocities to befall them. I think it's safe to say that the moms I'm talking about in my blog would all gang up on moms like the one you're talking about. I'd venture to say that the mother you mentioned didn't love her child. The moms I'm talking about do. And that's the difference.
We ARE all in this together in that we love our children and we want the best for them. If you're more like me, or Emmie, or Blair, or Allison, or Kristi, or any of the other moms who've commented here, then yes, I include you in that sisterhood.
To your second point, please note that I say "maybe a little" as the answer to my question of whether PPD/A is "trendy" or "overdiagnosed." I'm a sufferer of PPD/A, and quite a vocal one at that. I will never trivialize or minimalize PPD/A.
If you want to continue this discussion, feel free to email me. notsuperjustmom@gmail.com
Miranda,
I agree for the most part. We all tend to label/pigeonhole everyone and everything around us. Not just as Mom's. I see this in politics, religion and education. All of this "personality/ethics categorization" does nothing more than to polarize us rather than nurture a healthy discourse and debate.
Maybe, rather than pigeonholing each other, we should recognize that we are all individuals with our own thoughts and feelings. Do you have to support my feelings or agree with my thoughts? Hell no! But I do expect those that interact with me to respect my opinions and feelings as I respect theirs.
It is sad that more often today and almost always on the internet, we seem to think that common courtesy no longer applies.
Miranda
I have written about three responses to Anonymous but I deleted them all. I think you have said it all and in a much more respectful tone than I could muster.
This is a great post and I agree, we are there for each other. All different types of Moms, kids and situations there to help each other.
Variety is good and we Mothers provide a LOT of variety.
I like this post! I am not going to write my novel all over again. I have tried to comment several times and it keeps getting eaten.
I am the first one to admit that though I love my child more than I have ever loved anyone before, there are a lot of days that I have moments where I don't particularly like my child. This doesn't make me a bad mom. It makes me a mom with a toddler who has insane temper tantrums and mood swings.
Being a mom is hard. And bravo to those of you who can do it with a smile on your face and your hands tied behind your backs! For some it takes a little more than a smile to get through the day. For me it took medication and I felt like less of a mom for having PPD and I fel like less of a mom for needing medication to help me be a good mom.
But like most moms, though imperfect, I am a good mom. And I am in it together with other imperfect good moms! Rock on Miranda!
I followed you from SweetPea's blog and I just want to say a resounding AMEN. Being a Mom is hard, but it's even harder when fellow Mom's are attacking you. This was a wondeful post.
There are so many comments and points that have been so eloquently made and I don't think I can improve upon them. I want to add that comments on the internet are quite different than what they might be in person. There is a lot more give and take in an actual conversation, which may lead to a better understanding of what a person is trying to say or where they are coming from, than from just reading a blurb on the internet. Tone can't be detected and the nonverbal communication part is missing. Also, it's important to consider the writer's intention. For example, my blog is being written to keep my family and friends updated, to help my own memory, and most importantly, to allow my daughter to read her life story when she grows up. So it might come across as mostly cheerful, but I'm writing it with her in mind. Miranda, there are plenty of things you have written that I don't relate to and I'm sure you have felt the same back. But just like reading a book, I enjoy hearing your perspective and reading your stories. Keep up the great work and thank you for allowing the rest of us to enjoy it and participate in the discussion.
I completely agree with you! There have been things that were unexpected for me & then things that were just how I thought they'd be. I am not struggling with PPD, but after reading a lot of women's experiences with it on blogs like Heir to Blair, I can see that for a lot of people – like me – it's just that we are uneducated and unexperienced in those feelings. Everyone's experience as a mom is different. There are going to be things that I enjoy or can handle a little better than someone else and vice versa. I didn't have PPD, but I pretty much hated the first 6 weeks with a newborn. I loved HER, but I just did not enjoy that time. I like the interaction, the smiles, the laughs, etc. But my best friend loves the first few weeks & has a harder time as they get more mobile. We need to just support each other as moms. It's tough for all of us!
I am a little late to this comment chain, but I wanted to add my 2 cents. Blair, this is a wonderful post. Thank you for writing this. Coincidentally, there was a tweet over a week ago from Liz Szabo that motivated me to write my latest blog post about moms being supportive rather than judgmental and competitive. I didn't know about this post until I saw a reference to it today on Twitter between Katherine Stone and Grace (@ArmsOpenGrace).