What an uplifting and down-putting (letting down?) title, right?
Yeah. That’s the sort of day it was.
It started out GREAT. I had that nervous excitement that only happens on the night before the first day of school. For some reason, it happened on the first day back to school after Spring Break. Probably because it means I have a TON of stuff to do between now and summer and not a whole lot of time in which to do it. Anyway, I was up on time. Showered, breakfasted, lunched, and coffeed. And out the door by 7:20.
And I made it to school by 8:01. PERFECTION.
And I had a great time with my first period and really missed them. Actually, I missed all of my kids. Even the ultra-talkative, bouncing off the walls, my toddler behaves better than them second period. I didn’t even mind having courtyard duty during my lunch period. And I made all of my copies for the week and talked my freshmen into giving presentations and successfully (I think) hooked my juniors into reading The Great Gatsby (which might be the greatest American novel of all time and you should read it if you haven’t. Because I said so).
Honestly, today could not have been better. It was super-smooth. Joshua wasn’t incredibly cranky when we got home. He ate a pretty good amount for dinner, even if it was a sort of hodge-podge meal. (oyster crackers, cheese, banana, graham crackers, milk. That covers the major food groups, right? No veggies. DAMN. I did try to get him to eat green beans. And he vehemently refused. Picking them up in his little baby hands and squeezing the life out of them. Which is actually pretty cute to watch.)
Anyway, it was a smooth evening. We went outside to blow bubbles. We came inside and blew bubbles. We played with his puzzle. He monstered around the house.
And then Dan came home. And the look on his face when he walked in the door was one that told me that nothing good was about to come out of his mouth.
He sat down and asked me if I’d rather him work from 7:30 to 5:30 or from 8:00 to 6:00.
Well, neither, if I’m being totally honest.
But neither wasn’t–isn’t–an option.
(And Dan, I know you’ll read this at some point, and know that I am in no way faulting you for my frustration with this. It is NOT your fault. I just need to process, okay? Cool. ::smooches and clean laundry::)
The fact is that neither of those options is very good. Either he misses Joshua in the morning, or he squeaks in the door (hopefully) right before Joshua goes to bed. Either I have no help with Joshua in the mornings while I’m also trying to get myself ready and out the door, or I have no help with Joshua in the evenings when he is .02 seconds away from a meltdown that would make Chernobyl blush. (That was technically a meltdown, right? I’m too lazy to Google.)
The point is that this is difficult.
On the one hand, I feel like I should be able to handle it. I signed up for this. I’m a mom, and a working mom at that. I’m nearly 30. I should have my shit together enough that getting everything ready to go the night before shouldn’t be that big a deal. Why, then, do I start out doing great with the getting-everything-ready-the-night-before and then suddenly crap out on it? I should be able to take care of my child in the evenings before he has to go to bed or also take care of him while I’m getting ready in the morning. I should be able to do this, right???
So what does it mean if I can’t? Or if it’s really, really, really hard?
I know, I know. I put too much pressure on myself to be perfect. (And honestly, I have NO idea where that comes from. NONE. My mom NEVER pushed me to be perfect. In fact, looking back, I sometimes wish she’d pushed me harder at some things…and yes, I realize I might be insane for saying that.) I can’t be perfect. Joshua isn’t asking for perfection. He’s asking for love and cuddles and someone to blow bubbles with him. I know that.
But still, this is a daunting task I have before me.
I feel like this puts me one step away from the loony bin, but at the same time, I have to rise to the occasion because my son needs me. I have to not think about what I need and think about what he needs. At least until after he goes to bed and I can pour myself a nice big glass of Sauv Blanc. (Looks like it might be time for me to join the “frequent buyers” club at Lucky’s, hmm?)
So, in short, and in close, I think, my day was great, then sucky, then okay. And it’s climbing back into the territory of great thanks to a bottle of Barefoot. And Barefoot people, if you’re reading, I’ll be your taste-tester ANY TIME. It’s legal to ship to my state now!
But it’s definitely an uphill climb.