I pretty much jinxed myself in bragging about how well Joshua slept for those three nights. Those three nights were followed by two nights of him sleeping from 10 to 2-ish and then being awake every hour after that. It was torture. I was a wreck. Needless to say, I filled the prescription for Lexapro last night.
I’ve admitted to myself that I can’t handle the stress on my own that comes from not sleeping. I get pretty anxious when he won’t go back to sleep because that means I can’t go back to sleep and that stress isn’t good for me or him, or Dan, for that matter.
I just reached a point yesterday morning where I realized I’m not enjoying motherhood. And I WANT DESPERATELY to enjoy this. I spend so much of my day being anxious about when he’s going to cry/fuss/be inconsolable again that I couldn’t even really enjoy the times when he’s not fussing/crying. I don’t want to look back on this time with regret.
So, I don’t know if I’ve got true post-partum depression or if this is just anxiety, but I’m back on these meds that have helped me through a couple of other rough times in my life. I know medication isn’t a cure-all, but here’s hoping it helps me cope.