Since school started back this week, and since my feet have been swelling up like cooked sausages since week 20, I decided I’d try wearing support pantyhose while working. Now, ladies, we’ve all heard about the theory that pantyhose were created by men as some sort of torture device for unruly women. Well, I’m here to tell you it’s totally true.
I woke up a good twenty minutes late yesterday since Dan and the dog were already gone. After my shower, I opened up the package of pantyhose and started inching my fingers down to the toes being extra super careful not to snag them on a cracked nail. I brought my knee as close to my chest as I could to get my toe in the pantyhose but my right arm wouldn’t reach all the way to my foot across my belly. My left knee kept slipping out from under my left arm. And then I started falling out of my perch on the edge of the bed. I’d get to the point where I was just about to hit the side of the bed, and then I’d manage to right myself.
I looked like a freaking Weeble. (You know…”Weeble’s wobble but the don’t fall down“…Yes, those.)
Then, the same thing happened with the right leg.
Finally, I had the pantyhose up to my knees on both legs and I started inching them the rest of the way up. Only somehow the left leg had gotten twisted and the circulation was leaving my lower extremity. I almost started crying it hurt so bad. So, I had to take the left leg off and start over.
After 15 minutes, yes, seriously, fifteen, as in ten plus five, I had conquered the pantyhose! Woohoo! Only not really.
They kept falling down in the crotch all day and I kept having to go to the bathroom and pull them back up again. Not fun, man, not fun.
Yesterday was a tie with the pantyhose. Today, I lost miserably.
Today, I managed to get the pantyhose on in under 10 minutes. (Score one for me!) Then, I managed to get dressed and get out the door by 7:45. (Score another one for me!) Then, I went to the bathroom before first period and noticed a small hole in the crotch of the pantyhose. Uh-oh.
By third period, the hole had grown so that half of my right butt cheek was hanging out of it.
By the end of the day, the hole had spread so that most of my right butt cheek was hanging out and part of my left.
By the time I got home, thirty some odd minutes after my last class, my entire ass was hanging out of the gigantic hole that had ripped in the ass-end of these $8 maternity pantyhose.
Seriously, I think you could tell through my skirt that something about my butt was just, well, misshapen. It was not pleasant.
If it weren’t disgusting to think about, I’d totally take a picture of the hole that ripped in these pantyhose to show you, since it is quite large and comical. But they’ve been up close and personal with my lady parts and something about taking a picture of that is just wrong.
If I didn’t believe that all pantyhose were inherently EVIL, I’d feel really bad about myself and my enlarged backside. However, since pantyhose are the Devil’s way of reminding us that he is real, and since these came from Motherhood Maternity and are, therefore, not of great quality, I don’t feel so bad about the fact that I spent the better part of the day trying to keep my ass from falling out of them. Literally.